Overwhelmed

[Behere]

I have been married for 15 years and last year was forced into asking some difficult questions about my relationship. I have a teenage daughter who has a diagnosed eating disorder. This has made me examine my relationship and conclude that my wife is emotionally abusive I would use the term covert narcissist the difficulty with this is she would have to see a psychiatrist or psychologist to be diagnosed she does not believe she has any problems which is part of the disorder so as I understand it is almost impossible to get help.

I can’t leave the marriage as I can’t leave my daughter, she is too ill and vulnerable.

I could make a list of examples why I think this about my wife but the thing I realised recently is that I had been constantly looking for excuses for her behaviour suddenly when I stopped doing this i could see clearly the long history and patterns of abuse.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist and that has been very helpful but I am still in the situation where I can’t walk away.

I would be interested in anyone who has a similar lived experience and who has almost overnight realised the abuse they have been experiencing. How do you continue in the relationship with this knowledge with your eyes wide open to the damage and toxicity of the situation 

[indigo22]

Hello Behere,

Welcome to the forums, I am so glad you found your way here and thank you for reaching out to us.

It sounds like you are in a very untenable situation and I am sorry to hear what you have been going through. I have a sister who is a narcissist, so I understand the type of emotional abuse they can inflict on others and the lack of acknowledgement that help is needed. I had to break ties with her for my own sanity.

I am glad to hear you are getting help for yourself, that is a very good move on your part. I am sorry hear about your daughter having an eating disorder, is she getting any therapeutic help at present?  There is an organisation you may or may not be aware of that would be helpful called Butterfly Foundation that deal with all kinds of eating disorders, their contact details are below should you or your daughter need support in real time.

Butterfly Foundation – available 7 days 8am–midnight Eastern Time – 1800 334 673

It sounds as if you would like to walk away but are concerned for your daughter's wellbeing. Is it at all viable to have your daughter with you?

As far as your wife is concerned, you cannot help someone who either doesn't want to help themselves or doesn't believe they need any help to begin with. In a situation like this, your first priority has to be to help yourself and your daughter.

Please feel free to continue this conversation if you feel comfortable doing so.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

[Behere]

Hi indigo thank you for taking the time to reply and for your kind words.

My daughter was admitted to hospital for her eating disorder and is now getting treatment 

We are on an eating plan which involves us monitoring her eating and are getting help from the Eating disorder unit this has been going on for 11 months. We have counselling to help her but understandably their focus is on her recovery

It is very difficult for me to untangle the disorder from my wife’s behaviour to the point I don’t know if she is the main obstacle to my daughter’s recovery. This is not a easy thing for me to think or say but she continues triggering my daughters anxiety which results in her refusing to eat

My daughter is loosing weight and is very close to being readmitted to hospital.

Every day i have to draw a line under the previous day and start again it is the only way I can cope but it is painful to see the same triggers day after day 

All the best 

behere

[indigo22]

Hi again behere,

I feel there is little doubt that your wife's behaviour is linked to your daughter's eating disorder and I too am concerned that she will have difficulty with her recovery in that environment. As a possible suggestion, do you have family or a trusted friend you could stay with for a while with your daughter to give her a better chance of recovery?

I understand that this has been hard for you to come to terms with, we can delude ourselves for a long time as you said making excuses for her behaviour, but you know the truth in this situation now and I am concerned for the wellbeing of you both.

The reason I mentioned Butterfly Foundation is because they are a helpline for eating disorders, not because I think you are not getting the right help but because you both should have a number to call when you are feeling overwhelmed and speak to someone who understands how difficult what you are going through can be. If you're unsure, perhaps have a look at the website first to see what you think. https://butterfly.org.au/

I will be here if/when you want to talk about it more. I will do my best to support you in whatever way I am able.

Thinking of you both with care,

indigo

[therising]

Hi Behere

You're a beautiful parent, the way you're considering what's in the best interest of your daughter. She's blessed to have you in her life, she really is. 

I'm wondering whether you'd feel somewhat differently if you were able to master shifting your focus from feeling brought down by your wife's depressing and stressful nature to feeling a driving passion for your daughter's recovery (two completely different feelings). I imagine the most challenging part of this may involve you becoming far more conscious of your wife's nature. What I mean by that is, for example, you may currently feel some of the comments your wife directs towards your daughter. Becoming far more conscious means feeling just about all of the stressful and depressing comments. Next level feeling, beyond that, would involve the challenge of getting a better feel for and developing the part of you that's intolerant and upstanding. In other words, the more confrontational part of you that stands up for you and your daughter. While your daughter develops a coach in her corner during this fight to become physically, mentally and emotionally stronger, your wife starts facing much stronger opponents. This may lead her to question 'Why are you both against me all of a sudden?'.

Whether your wife's self righteous and believes she has the right to say such things to your daughter or whether she's just not conscious of the impact of what she's saying can dictate your approach and the way you advocate for your daughter. I found the need for different approaches with my husband over the years, when it comes to our 20yo son and 23yo daughter. Waking him up to the need to be more conscious can sound like 'You need to get a better feel for or sense of what you're saying to them, from their perspective'. On the other hand, with the self righteous angle, I more so direct questions towards the kids such as 'Did you feel that?' (what their father said). The three of us have become a rather sensitive lot over the years. While sitting at the dinner table, my husband can make a comment and the kids and I just look at each other and smile based on all 3 of us feeling what he just said. He does tend to question 'Why are you all looking at each other like that?'😁

This time and challenge in your life could end up developing you into a super sensitive person in a highly constructive way. While your wife may say to your daughter 'You're hopeless. You need to try harder', you may develop the ability to sense the most inspiring words for your daughter as being 'I am the bringer of hope. Now, let's see what would be the easiest way for you to achieve what you want to achieve right now'. Which out of the two comments would your daughter sense or feel as being the most hopeful and inspiring? While your wife may never come to her senses (her full ability to sense), you and your daughter become masters together.

[Behere]

Thanks for your kind support

i have been writing a reply and used the e- mail address to reply unfortunately it bounced back. I will try and continue the post tomorrow 

Thanks

[Behere]

Thanks indigo I have spoken with the butterfly foundation in the past and found them really helpful I have their number and know I can always contact them 

[Behere]

Thank you both for your thoughtful comments. I have reflected myself on why I don’t leave this relationship.

The first thing to say is even before my recent awareness of my wife’s emotional abuse and my daughter’s eating disorder i could not just walk away and leave her to sink or swim. Secondly my daughter’s recovery at the moment relies on very routine and  specific rituals around food and anything that disrupts that causes her to stop eating. In the future I can see myself separating from my wife and building a life for myself which would include a safe space for my daughter to live. At the moment I have to focus on her recovery.

Another consideration is how my wife would react I know she is capable of lies and exaggeration 

and constructing a completely false picture of me. Anyone who knows a true narsasist will know they thrive on the chaos they create around them. I do not have family in Australia and although I have a good relationship with her family I know it would be easy for them to believe her stories.

There is also the possibility of a divorce that would end up going through the courts. I stand to loose everything I have. This said if I could leave tomorrow with nothing and have a safe place for my daughter I would not hesitate. I do not expect an amicable separation. 
You commented on changing my focus to finding a driving passion for my daughter’s recovery. With her disorder it is a slow recovery over months and years to have a driving passion although admirable does not really fit in my situation. The main feelings that come to mind are love compassion patience tolerance recovery can be slow and frustrating with relapsing is almost expected and months of patient  work can be wiped out very quickly 

As I have begun to understand my wife’s condition I have also regained a sense of who I am. A narcissist will try and undermine your sense of self get you to doubt your motivations your recollections of events your memory this over time erodes your belief in your self.

When you see this clearly and you see the strategies at play suddenly you see through it all and your self belief and confidence come back you asked me to shift my focus from my wife’s behaviour but it is understanding this behaviour these patterns that has freed me from the suffocating grip my wife held over me. I am tempted to say I see the game you are playing and I will no longer play along but I have found that to be counterproductive The most I can do is state my position or feelings and retreat into silence while my wife continues a monologue against me

Although arguments are pointless it is important as you say to stand up for myself as specially in front of my daughter she has become my wife’s harshest crytic she will defend me she will say don’t lie, don’t talk over dad, don’t make things up, don’t cry I know your tears are fake and yes my wife will say why are you both against me or to be precise she will use the eating disorder in her defence and say you are supporting her illness when we can both see my wife’s behaviour is damaging to my daughters recovery and deeply manipulative 

Its hard to shed light on this as it would take me a long time and a lot of thought to write down what I feel .

I know anyone who has been through this will understand but as I see it I have two issues my wife with narcissistic personality disorder and a daughter with a eating disorder and how they are interrelated and react with one another I have to understand and navigate myself 

You ask a good questions when you ask is her behaviour self righteous or unconscious 

My question would be is she aware of the harm she is doing

It would take a long time to explain the answer but the answer is yes she is aware

Thank you both for your thoughts 

It is very helpful to be heard and to share my thoughts It is clear to me from your replies that you are both very caring and compassionate and I send you both all my love and gratitude 

behere

[Scared]

Hi.

I cant tread on the toes of your psychotherapist because that would not be appropriate to undermine professional help

But I can tell you my story and its outcome.

I been dealing with a huge amount of grief depression for last 2 years.

My significant other I could not let go of because my life was going to end if I did.

After receiving barrages of abuse from her for so long my body was shutting down.  Faced with choice of let her go or die in this bed I found another route.

I changed my entire mindset of not her but me. I stopped reacting to her I started firing back with humor but not condescending humor. I recognized she was too powerful to fight and I too weakened to do anything else but to change for my survival.  Bit by bit I gained some defensive control over the harm I was in and I became more powerful to be able to cope.

I knew we have little control over changing others so I changed myself as a survival tool to effectively buy time until I was well enough to make more permanent change..

I obviously have trauma issues with this breakup is why I didnt do the normal thing like just block her.

The point Im trying to make here is this was my way to get to a certain point in one piece so I could make more permanent solutions  about the future.

You too are bound where you are by love for your child and there is no other worthy cause to fight for. Do you deserve better YES.  Would some therapy be appropriate for your partner YES.

I hear you loud and clear.

Find some mindset to be able to continue so you can stay healthy for your child.

Perhaps others in this forum can offer a different view to mine but what remains paramount is that you need to stay emotionally well is the first step.

[indigo22]

Hi Behere,

You are going through a very difficult situation and I want you to know that you can come back to this thread as often as you wish to help process your thoughts and vent when needed. We are here to support you for as long as you need us to. There are many entangled decisions to make in this situation and I can understand how difficult it must be for you to find a clear path forward. I know you have a counsellor, but we will be here if you need us between visits.

Take good care of yourself and your daughter,

indigo 💜