Should I leave my marriage of 25 years?

[Guest_40912784]

Been together 25 years (married 22), I’m 42. 
There’s a pattern of behaviour our whole marriage, where if we’re happy we’re great but if I bring up an issue, he becomes extremely defensive, sarcastic, passive aggressive. Sometimes just aggressive (slamming doors and denying it, punching his fist into his hand etc).

I call him out on it every time, sometimes we argue about it for days/weeks/months until it goes quiet and is all just swept under the rug and no one mentions it again and we go back to being happy.

These incidents happen multiple times a year. We’ve never had a full year without at least one of these arguments but they’re usually every few months.

Sometimes over just simple things like me asking him to please read my text messages.

Theres been a lot of incidents over the years to me and the kids.

I have felt very emotionally neglected over the years.

Last year we argued for 2 months and I told him I was done and I’d found a rental, he asked me to stay and try again. He said he’d ‘try’ to change his behaviour. 

I always struggle with wanting to leave and then getting sucked back into our regular happy family life, the. I’m happy and it’s like I forget all the bad things that had just happened or think maybe I was overreacting or the problem.

I stayed and there was so much tension over the Xmas period and in early February I told him I was done, and I was so happy with feeling strong in my decision.

We’re still in the same house as we couldn’t find a rental and It’s been tense ever since. I’ve had no space to think.

Lately he tells me that this time feels worse than the other time and he really truly understands now and promises nothing like that will ever happen again, I’m his world and he doesn’t want to lose me.

He is a good husband, good provider, loyal.

The thing is now I just feel numb and dead inside.

He’s saying what I’ve always wanted and I feel like I don’t even care.

I feel so closed off to him and I’m struggling to let my walls down and be vulnerable to him again in case it’s not real.

To not help things he’s just started a new job which will give our family so much financial freedom and I want to be a part of it but I’ll be giving that up.

Also since February, someone has indicated interest in me as a casual thing and I’m interested in exploring it. I haven’t done anything yet and won’t but the fact I’m thinking of it tells me maybe I am done?

But I only see my husband in my future, I want everything he’s now offering to me, but why now when I have one foot out the door?

I have so much resentment and anger towards him I’m not sure how to even get over it.

I need to make a decision today as a rental has come up.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you as you face making one of the hardest decisions of your life. My heart goes out to you so much, it really does.

I can relate to the cycle you mention, how everything just goes 'round and 'round for years. Things are all good and happy and then something happens that's leads you to the need to address it. While there can be some dread in addressing it, you do anyway. Then the conflict begins externally and internally in some cases. Not sure whether you can relate to this part but, regarding the internal conflict, there can be a battle between the part of you that insists 'Don't rock the boat, it's not that bad' and the part of you that's insisting 'You have got to stop tolerating this'. When the people pleaser in us starts to win out it can become depressing to some degree: 'You're being too hard on him. He's a good guy, a good provider and incredibly loyal. It's you that has the problem. If only you weren't so difficult. If only you were more easygoing'. Hmmm. And then begins the downward spiral into a list with the heading of 'All the things wrong with me'. But hang on a sec, the cycle's not over...

Suddenly, at the bottom of the cycle things begin to pick up. You suddenly start to become more conscious of things, such as the amount of changes you've made, the amount of effort you've put in and so on. The number of things you've worked so hard toward tolerating. This is the anger part of the cycle, where you wake up to the idea 'I'm actually pretty amazing, under the circumstances'. Then at about the quarter to part of the cycle or clock, you become proud of yourself, happy with yourself and your happiness leads you to somewhat forget the whole thing. You're so pleased and happy and easygoing. And in that state of happiness you hit on a revelation that leads you to suddenly know how to best manage the relationship in some new way. So you do (manage it in some new way) and everyone's happy.

In hindsight, what it really looks like is 'I'm cycling upwards into greater levels of consciousness, evolving through the challenges time and time again but I'm the only one really doing it'. What it can also look like, while becoming more conscious, 'Each time I evolve, I am managing disappointment. I dis-appoint my partner from the appointed role of 'He who will manage _______. I will manage it instead. I dis-appoint him from the role of 'He who will manage _______. I will now manage that too' and so on. And with each dis-appointment of a role, there is an element of emotional detachment. The whole thing, all the cycles, add up to gradual emotional detachment that you can eventually feel the entirety of at some point. It doesn't suddenly happen. It can be a process we reach the end of.

Btw, sorry the response is so long. Trying to condense years of a process into one post. While I'm still with my husband after 23 years of marriage, I finally reached the conclusion a couple of years ago (which I expressed to him) 'You accept these roles I give you or I'm done. You step up and don't dis-appoint yourself from them or I'm done'. I've become a challenging woman but motivating at the same time. Surprisingly, we're actually in a good place in our relationship. Whether you say to your husband something along the lines of 'I'm appointing you the role of 'He who joins me in marriage counseling' and/or 'He who sees someone to address anger issues', for example, is up to you. If he doesn't accept and actively fill the kinds of roles that are going to save your relationship, you have your answer regarding the way forward.

For sure, it's not as though we're living with a horrible person, we can simply be living with someone who refuses to feel facing the hard work that can come with change. They don't want to feel the stress, feel the self questioning, feel the emotions that can be so challenging. So much easier to not feel, in some ways.

[Guest_12985437]

I am sorry to hear of your situation and can relate to your story. 25 years is a long time and I imagine having a family together makes this even harder. 
what I know from my experience is that even after only 2 years of living in a painful relationship cycle it’s not sustainable. Living with someone who gets defensive is exhausting. And living with any kind of aggressive behaviour is unacceptable. 
My partner started with yelling and I told him to stop, I told him repeatedly and he tried. Even when there is no yelling there is defensiveness, blame, withdrawal and coldness. It is always a tiny trigger, last night it was his daughter texting late at night and then a frustrated comment from me (not mean, not critical) and then despite a lovely day together I was now the target of criticism and blame. It always feels so incredibly depressing because no matter what I give I end up being scapegoated when he can’t handle the pressure of life. The relationship always ends up being damaged. And over time the only way to cope is to get numb. I have only been living with him for 2 years but I already feel trapped. I can’t imagine how you have been coping after 25 years. Don’t get me wrong I know that it’s not always bad, that he is still overall someone you love but I also know how isolating it is to be in a relationship and feel lonely. 
I hope you left and I wish for you to build your life again bit by bit, take your time, don’t be scared. I hope you have some family or friends to help you. Take care. 

[Guest_13542794]

I’m probably not the best person to give advice this as I’m going through something similar. 

Why the heck did we wait so long and give chances are chances after chances?

Listen to your gut.