Partner crossed my boundary in regards to P*rn

[Bee1998]

I’m not sure how to move forward / forgive my partner … 😞

On Saturday morning, my partner asked me as soon as we got out of bed if he could watch p*rn.
He knows p*rn is something I don’t want in the relationship / am triggered and hurt by.
We have been to therapy together to discuss it too, and our therapist stated that it’s fine to watch it, as long as we have spoken about it and are both okay with it.
I’m not okay with it anymore, due to past trauma and sexual abuse.

At the start of our relationship, it didn’t bother me, but after being betrayed countless times by my partner, I’m now not okay with it. It hurts me too much.

Despite knowing all of this, and me expressing how I felt about it on the weekend, my partner went ahead and pleased himself several times to p*rn.
Mind you, he was telling me the night before that we were going to be intimate, but he never followed through. We haven’t had s*x for a few days either, so him choosing p*rn over real intimacy with me really opened the wound more.

It even went as far as him sleeping in the spare room and spending the whole weekend behind closed doors. No communication, nothing.

This left me in tears the whole weekend. Especially when I had to sleep alone at night, knowing he was deceiving me / going against what I said.

Come Sunday night, he finally started to ‘try’ and hug me etc, but by that point I was so numb that I didn’t want to show any affection, or even talk to him or be near him.

I feel so betrayed. I feel like my concerns and emotions were rejected and walked all over. 😔

Also, what kind of partner actively chooses to pleasure themselves to p*rn when they have a partner at home expressing they want to be intimate ?! I never once turned it down or said I didn’t want to. He has literally chosen other females over me, and it is killing me.

[tranzcrybe]

I can't say much about any perceived benefits to 'outsourcing' sexual gratification, except that it is just that and not an emotional connection - an empty self deception that places you second on the list for fulfilling this most important interaction which should unify your relationship instead of becoming divisive and ostracising.

But with any relationship, things can become routine and a little staid (and 'planning' intimacy may not be aiding your cause), so exploring ways to 'push the envelope' together, and always expressing what does and doesn't work for you both, can add that sense of risk and unconventionality to acknowledge each other's obligation to satisfy such needs.

Simply changing who instigates things can be liberating and trusting, but just learning to feel the thoughts and subtle cues from each other is the main objective (which won't be felt if 'flying solo').

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bee1998, 

We’re sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. It can be difficult in a relationship when we don't feel heard and that our needs and feelings are not being respected, it's understandable that you feel a sense of betrayal. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you. 

It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277, they have some great pages on their website that may be helpful regarding communication in relationships.

Thanks again for sharing here. We appreciate your honesty and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this difficult time.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I think he has crossed many boundaries and violated the relationship based solely on you input and past history of abuse. I'm ex military, prison service, security etc and worked with men all my life, got to know many of them. P*rn is shown widespread and while I respect their choices, I have always felt uncomfortable (I can here them jeering from the grandstand now). They played the videos anyway while I worked. Took the abuse on the chin and made to appear like a odd character.

I think you should pack your bags quite frankly because your standards will always be different than his and your wishes always ignored. 

There is better fish in the sea, however that doesnt take your pain away and the facing of separation is hurtful.

We are here is you need us.

TonyWK

[LostAquarius]

I can empathise with how deep that pain would be. Absolutely soul destroying :’(

IMO you deserve someone who respects you so much more than him.
Only thing I would suggest first is having another open, civil conversation about how it’s making you feel and if he isn’t going to make changes to support you then he sounds so not worth it. 
I so hope you’re ok 🩷