Partner can’t leave my past in the past

[Reeu]

Hi,

When I met my partner I wasn’t 100% honest about my past between my ex husband and him as I did things I am not proud of because it’s not who I am.

I thought all evidence was gone and I never minded with my partner going through my phone but he found messages from someone I had a one night encounter with.

I now regularly get called a slut and told that I’m someone he doesn’t want to be with. Today he went to the chemist and sent me a photo of condoms asking if I needed any for when we break up seeing as I threw my supply out because I had so much sex between my ex husband and him (9 months between them).

I am heartbroken. My past shouldn’t be used against me and I have cried every day for nearly 4 months once he found this message in my phone. Some days are fine and others, one little word is twisted into how much of a dirty hoe I was and that I am not trustworthy etc.

Combine that with a narcissistic ex husband with who I share 50/50 with the kids and I just feel like I can never get through all this.

I struggle to concentrate at work but I do my best to not let it affect my work. I have no family or friends to speak to because I’m scared to tell them my issues as I sold my house to have a future with my partner and don’t want to hear the ‘I told you so’.

I can’t see a way out of this....

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Reeu,

Thank you for your post and sharing what's going on with you. I'm really glad that you felt safe enough to share this with us, especially with not having a lot of supportive people in your life right now.

I do believe that there is a way out of this, but I don't believe that it will be easy. Can I ask if you've considered seeing a counsellor or psychologist?

I think a big part of moving forward is trying to have each other on the same level - it sounds from your post like your partner doesn't feel like he can trust you as yet, and is constantly on the defence. At the same time though, you're also committed to moving forward and making this work, so your partner needs to see that too. This is where I think a psychologist can come in handy (or a couples counsellor, if he's open to that), to help you process and move forward with this.

Hope this helps

[Croix]

Dear Reeu ~

Your partner does not sound in the least understanding. You are the person he wanted to be with, and that person is made up of all past experieces as well as character.

Even if disappointed, lost or unsure his words and actions seem to me to be needlessly cruel, designed to punish.

When a marriage beaks up it causes a huge up-welling of grief, loss, blame, self blame and lots more. Under those circumstances a person may not act as they have before, and all sorts of thngs might happen. In your case it was relationships, in others it might be gambling or alcohol or drugs.

You are right, it was not you, it was all those emotions plus the situation causing what was in all probability desperation, a desire to escape and a need for others. You survived.

The idea of seeking support from a psychologist or councilor, including a couples councilor sounds pretty good, though frankly I think it is you partner who needs the most help. There are in life not that may things that can't be forgiven, particularly if one has understanding or equivalent experiences. I honestly don't think your past actions are very terrible, just human. Surviving you first huband would have been a very great trial.

Despite what you said can I suggest you do see if there is someone in your circle of family or friends who you could speak with frankly and gain support? It mkaes a lot of difference not to deal with all this in isolation.

Croix