Partner can not cope with difficult times

[New Beginning 1]

I am 51 years old and went through a very sad and painful marriage and divorce around 5 years ago. I have two children - 18 and 16 and am a loving and devoted sole parent. Both kids gave me absolute hell after the divorce and I was sole parenting from day 1 of the separation as their dad was too unstable. They were traumatised and rebellious but things are getting better with them and they are generally nice kids, working and going to school.

I opened myself up to a relationship 4 years ago with a man who seemed strong and caring and kind. He had been through hell with his divorce and then the breakdown of a long term relationship. His children were grownup when we met but had their own severe teenage behavioural and trauma issues when he was raising them. His 25 year old is a domestic violence perpetrator and our lives are ocassionally upended in dealing with it, but I am supportive and motivated to help both of his children with love and compassion.

We have had a wonderful relationship almost every day and we have a beautiful life, with so much in common. He has been my favourite person in the world and he moved in 8 months ago. But...when the going gets tough with my children (they are not the easiest of teens but nor are they particularly bad), he goes into complete meltdown mode and disappears. Literally. He moves out of our beautiful family home and goes and stays with a family member. He is severely and disproportionately angered by crappy teenage behaviour and says that he has been through his own teen dramas, teen dramas in his last relationship and can not deal with mine. I feel so unsupported and somewhat resentful - he knew I had children when we met. The dramas with my kids are few and far between, though they can be extremely rude and disrespectful. I feel so cheated that he forgets all of the wonderful things that we have when an "incident" happens, and moves out. He starts talking about breaking up, and it only adds to the stress of whatever teen incident I am dealing with. I am unintentionally making him sound like a bad person, 99% of the time he is amazing and gets on with my kids and my family and friends love him. I guess it makes it all the more difficult to know what to do about this situation I find myself in. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

This is sad for both of you.

Yes, he knew you had teenagers before he moved in however no one could have predicted his intolerance to the conflicts plus, the situation a step parent finds themselves in eg reduced connection to a blood parent. But all this is small stuff compared to "the elephant in the room" and that's his intolerances. 

As a male that was twice a step dad I found conflicts with step teens quite dramatic and traumatic. It wasnt the teens fault but my inability to cater with the stress. It didn't have anything to do with my love for my partner nor did I dislike the children. Another feeling I had was lack of control. I wasnt their father so involving myself would be a big mistake as they could resent me. 

My assumption is that by staying in the house he would feel drawn into the conflict or at least be seen by your kids as supporting you over them. It was once only battling their mum, now they have their step dad too.

The step parent role is a tough one and I've only mentioned a few possible reasons. Couples counselling is valuable in these situations.  If he doesn't want to attend then attend yourself is my advice. It is amazing how counsellors see solutions and different perspectives.

For what it's worth you sound like a very good mum that needs to seek the solution to one problem. I wish you good luck.

TonyWK 

[New Beginning 1]

Thanks TonyWK that is a really accurate perspective and great advice.