Paranoia or real worry?

[Cherpieus]

I have suffered depression for almost 20 years and have had 4 major depressive periods in those years. I am in one at the moment. I am on AD's but they are not working and I'm waiting to get in to see a Psychiatrist. 

I need some advice because I don't trust my own thoughts and feelings.

I'm 41 and have been married to my second husband for four years. Between us we have four children. Mine are 15 year old twins and they live with us half time. He has a 23 year old daughter who has a 3year old girl - they don't live with us. His son is has just turned 20 and is married - they both live with us full time.

My husband has been married twice before. The first was for 18 years. The second he puts down as a mistake and was only married for one year.

During the course of our relationship I have always worried about him wanting other women (including his ex wives) and vice versa. He is Irish, quite flirtacious and can be very charming. Previously when I have communicated by concerns/feelings with him he has gotten angry and accused me of being unreasonably jealous. Recently I found a personal message he sent to his ex wife (the one he was married to for a short time) on facebook. He is not friends of hers on Facebook and I get the feeling she may have blocked him but he has tried to send her a message. The message contained some lies about his life now and doesn't mention he is married again. It also states his email address and offers a place for her and her family to stay if they are ever in Sydney. She lives in America.

I feel upset that he has tried to contact her but I'm reluctant to say anything to him in case he gets angry and accuses me of being jealous and brings up the other times I've been jealous of other women. 

As I said I don't trust my feelings or reactions. I don't know if I'm being paranoid and unreasonably upset and I don't know what to do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[white knight]

Hi Cherpieus, welcome

This sort of activity, contacting other women or ex spouses is not something I could bare to be honest. It's 100% or not at all. But that's me and my wife, and we are all different. Maybe he wants to be guarded with contact due to your suspicions. Not all gut feelings are correct and one thing I've learned about social media is not to ever interpret messages/comments from the words themselves. Always get the information for the horses mouth by asking directly or ringing up a friend. Clarifying messages is crucial to save friendships so no different in a marriage.

For what its worth I'd monitor the situation for some time yet. I'd gather information if possible and front him only when I'm 100% sure that his behaviour is totally unacceptable. Then if his answers are not explanative enough I'd leave. But that's what I would do.

I had a married couple of friends and she was flirtatious. He would front her continuously about it also accusing her of having affairs. In desperation he came to me for help. Wary of getting too involved I spoke to her. After that meeting I was fully convinced that she was indeed flirting with work colleagues but it was all in fun....in fact they all did it at that workplace. But no affair was going on because that couple were togather 24/7 except when they were at work.

Benefit of the doubt is preferable than jumping at straws. Monitor things for a while.

Hope that helps. Also hoping others reply.

Tony WK

[Cherpieus]

Thanks White Knight for your advice.

I will monitor things for a while as you said. 

I wondered if I should subtly let him know I know he tried to contact her. He leaves his Facebook open sometimes on his computer and I could click on the personal message so it is on the screen when he comes back to it. 

Or maybe it's best he doesn't know that I know?

[white knight]

Hi Cherpieus

Thans.

As to letting him know that you know he has contacted his ex etc, that's up to you. If it teases your mind you could ask him if he has ever had desires to contact his ex. If he says no then watch for his guilt oozing through. If he says "oh yeh, in fact I message her occasionally, nothing to it though" then you're on a winner.

But humans are not perfect and over the years I've found that some people in relationships expect perfection. I personally think there is nothing wrong with keeping in contact with an ex....providing there are boundaries, trust in their new one and its based on friendship...especially when there is children involved. Its the mature thing to do, act like adults.

If the contact between my wife and her ex was secretive and there were vital bits of information missing (eg she married me) then I'd be suspicious and granted, I'd keep an eye on the messages if I could, to see if they were meeting secretly. If she did meet with him and the time and date of the meet was known I'd let them meet then ask her where she was that day or during those missing hours. If there was blatant lies then it would be over unless there is good reason.

Be careful though. I knew a couple that went through this. Turned out the husband had a grand friendship with his ex's father, a strong mateship. He knew his new wife would be upset if she found out there was any communication going in that family so he kept it secret. The old man was dying of cancer and had weeks to live.

So be careful and don't be rash. Benefit of the doubt is part of giving faith...until it is proven otherwise.

Tony WK