First of all I must thank people for sharing their stories. My lowest points have been made less severe by hearing the honest stories of others and of course the generous replies of many.
Around this time last year I began dating a woman I met online. She was everything I could have asked for (a nurse, closet nerd, bookworm); I would say I was instantly besotted. I was knowledgeable enough to know not to reveal this of course, I didn't want to scare her. Over the next month I tried to do everything right, not over the top, not distant. After a bush walk, picnic and dinner date I felt things were going well. I'd researched everything online from conversation topics to how to go about dating. About 8 weeks in she ended things, I didn't get a real reason, just that she was reluctant to go further. My first semi relationship, kiss, a real chance, was all over.
There began a few months of near catatonic living. I couldn't help but re-live in my head every last comment\moment. December came, as did a new psychologist, and medication I'd had once before. By February, I was off medication and no longer seeing my psych.
I bought a house in hopes of distract myself, but I've been struggling to shake off the negativity of depression since. I've been through depression on and off since I was 17. Each time it was brought on by an infatuation with a woman and subsequent improvement. My psychologist mentioned that I was likely on the autistic spectrum, which makes all so much sense considering my past.
The reason why I'm writing this now is because I think I saw that woman in passing at a local supermarket a few hours ago. I was curled up in a ball on the floor at home for at least half an hour when i got home. (I'm ok, sitting at computer, had some food) I recognize that this is not a normal response.
I've got every intention of going to work tomorrow (I'm a teacher), of taking as good care of myself as I can. Though this is all so much struggle. As a 30 year old man, with few friends, and no one to tell this to I feel I have failed. As the cherry on top, I'm convinced she ended things with me due to her suspicion that I struggled with depression. Something she didn't want in a relationship.
I wish I were average, I wish I didn't feel things so strongly.
Thanks for sharing. I have had a somewhat similar experience, I was completely dedicated to my one and only girlfriend, she left, and I was shattered, and remain even 6 months later (I used to count the hours....) reliving moments, thinking about how I could have done things differently...and have ended up in treatment for suicidal thoughts as a result. I guess in that way I see your continued dedication to her in a different light to most people, I think it shows just what a loyal and loving person you are, and it pains me no one reciprocated that for you.
It is shattering to lose someone you pour all your time and effort on, inexplicable that you could love and adore someone so much and get only rejection in return. From what I have learned the rejection of an intimate partner is especially devastating as it is related to our evolutionary desire to find a mate, and by being rejected and frustrated in attaining that core desire (which in people like us I think is especially strong) it is like a rejection of everything we are as a person. At the moment my counsellor is trying to get me to see myself as having value beyond serving a Lady...but old habits....
I almost teared up when I saw how you researched online for conversation topic etc. Having social anxiety I often have to do that, and with my girlfriend I was constantly searching for things like “surprises for girlfriend”, “how to make a girlfriend feel beautiful” to get ideas etc.
I can’t really offer you any help or advice except to say that I greatly empathize with you, I so wish people like us who want companionship so much but through thing like social anxiety and depression struggle to get it, could all find what we want. It may not be a normal response...but then what is ‘normal’, I think it’s better you did express those emotions physically rather than bottle them up? I would like to share this quote with you, one broken heart to another.
Full many a stoic eye and aspect stern /
Mask hearts where grief hath little left to learn; /
And many a withering thought lies hid—not lost— /
In smiles that least befit who wear them most./
By those, that deepest feel, are ill exprest /
The indistinctness of the suffering breast;/
Where thousand thoughts begin to end in one,/
Which seeks from all the refuge found in none;/
No words suffice the secret soul to show./
And Truth denies all eloquence to Woe.
Stay safe D_G
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