Painful events & exclusion

blues23 · ‎28-03-2026

My parents birthday is coming up ( mine too I have the unfortunate/ fortunate however it looks I feel both that my birthday falls day before my family members ) anyway I haven’t received an invite from” the party planner “it’s 5 days away I know they would be doing it as it’s a milestone for my family member “ the planner of parties “ their kids birthday was a few months back I got a present and got the lovely request that I put the present over their back fence .and that they are far too busy to see us far too busy they are both busy This “ family member is still in contact with me they actually accused me of not responding to their txts( also not true ) the txts we have are very business minded anyway I have a lot of pent up anger at this “ family member/ party planner “ they called my child a cow when she was misbehaving, they also damaged my car with their tent on a family outing they also messed up my house with their animals on family trip & blew up my cleaner , they then shouted at me for being over dramatising for saying how I was feeling … all things that were damaged I had to rebuy and fix at my own cost

any way out side of my above rant how do I cope with these combined birthdays and how do I go about enjoying mine while others are putting on a do for my family member and meanwhile we are excluded? could I should I visit family member for their birthday at their local club ? Also what do I do about being excluded how do i manage it like the pain ?as I have no doubt it affects my child too because they are their family member too , also so I give let’s name them “ party planner “ Easter eggs for Easter over their steel fence ? My child says not to ( my child has strong boundaries me I’m hurting & still love my family but also still really hurt and angry and not sure what to make of it because “ the party planner/ family member has got me a birthday present and should I give them the same treatment as I’ve gotten ( which I really want to ) which is to put my present on my back door step / I don’t have a steel fence lol ( which no doubt they will anyway put my present on my door step as they have been actively excluding us for 5 months ) I’m trying to not to react to them as it just gives them too much power over me..

I hope all this makes sense

Croix

Dear Blues23~

I think what you said at the end of your post is pretty good. Close contact does give them more power over you and your child. All the worry about presents, birthday parties and crossing boundaries over privacy are examples.

To bring up a young person who has autism is a pretty heavy load and while you have probably learned how to cope (and how to help your child cope too) this does not mean the rest of your family understands.

Do you think that it might be an idea to keep your distance from them for a while, not cut them off for ever, but have some space of your own? Up until now your posts indicate you are reacting to them and being hurt. Just see them if and when you want on your own terms.

As has been mentioned before you can have a good life finding people you trust and are comfortable with rather than the ones you have now.

So what do you think?

Croix

blues23

Hi Croix

thank you for your reply : I have indeed grown to not react to them or at least trying to .

Let’s say my family member has experience with children with autism and considers them self an expert ,

while yes it is a heavy load it’s more so heavier than being deliberately excluded my self I’m growing not to care I act as my family member does if they don’t txt me I don’t txt them and so forth & treat them as they treat us : they lied to me re: Easter and the giving of eggs to their kids & mine we both agreed not to and then they turn up unannounced at my back doorstep at 9:30 at night with like probably 200$ worth of eggs leaving them on my back door step : despite us agreeing one week before Easter to skip it at family members decision because eggs are “ too expensive “ when they have obviously been stashing these eggs for quite some time and it’s not the first lie I’ve been made aware of : I went along with it cause I was like ok no eggs so easter morning I had to go out and buying eggs for their kids cause they lied to me about not getting any in order to make it look like I don’t care about my nephew: neices: this was a deliberate lie on my family members behalf .

I don’t know why the purpose of their behaviour im beginning to to care less and less about seeing them its not on my terms that I want to see them isn’t it human behaviour to include people if its their birthday especially if they are ur daughter & grandchild? it’s more so that we are deliberately being excluded and I would never treat them as they are treating us .

In agreement with space there is plenty of it and intend to keep it this way my hurt is becoming less but I can’t help being angry for trusting this person and should never have done

Croix

Dear Blues23~

It sounds pretty mean to exclude you when they are about to have a party for a special birthday, and most annoying to have those Easter eggs dropped on your doorstep having agreed not to swap eggs. It left you in a very awkward position as I'd expect your nieces and nephews would have been disappointed not to get anything from you while every one else is giving eggs.

When the people you would think love you the most turn around and give you a hard time on purpose it shows a lack of love or consideration and it is only natural to feel anger.

I tend to expect people to act the same as I do, and if they fall short I'd feel anger too. Plus if they were family there would be greif at the loss of what could have been a good relationship.

I think you are wise to have distance for now.

Croix

blues23

Thank you . All you have said is correct, I’m going thru measures of counselling to help me process the grief and anger and anxiety I have / the Easter egg debacle just proved I can’t trust what this family member tells me they have their own agenda which is to tarnish my relationship with my neices & nephews

but I will persevere and just keep reminding myself that this is who they are and it’s not my fault they had a mask on the whole time