Out of control!
I am in a bad situation and can't see the end of the tunnel! I have a long time girlfriend who lives 3 states away, she has this guy who's been after her. She sees him just as a friend, but he wants more. Unfortunately she is young and gullible, which he prays on. Despite a 4 hour chat between them last weekend, (their second as they had one last year) this guy doesn't take a hint!
He fronted up to me the other night, via SMS, and he revealed himself for what he was...which was the wake up call she needed to see his true side. He's soon to be her boss, my BIGGEST nightmare! I trust her, as I always have after 8 years as she's very moralistic, but him I don't!
Some nights I lay in bed my head spinning and my stomach churning, it's a living hell!!! Is there any way to get a handle on this?
Welcome to the forum!
This situation is understandably frustrating and concerning for you, and for your long-term girlfriend. The fact that you two have been committed to each other for eight years and have great trust, is fantastic. This man, when he is your girlfriend's boss, should hopefully rein in his pursuing behaviour in the workplace environment. So long as your girlfriend clearly states to this man as her new boss that their only relationship is a professional/working one, and she has positive interactions with colleagues/other employees, working with him should hopefully be alright.
If this man makes your girlfriend uncomfortable at work, she could have a private talk to a trusted colleague. This way, she will feel safer and more supported knowing that someone who works with her knows about this man's inappropriate conduct. Company policy should dictate that employees feel safe from inappropriate behaviour and harassment.
This site could be helpful: https://www.fairwork.gov.au/how-we-will-help/templates-and-guides/fact-sheets/rights-and-obligations/protections-at-work
Suggest to your girlfriend that she delete this man's messages without reading them. Even better, she should block his number if possible, and do so on social media too. Keep communicating with your girlfriend to make sure she feels safe from this man.
I hope this situation will start to improve.
Thanks Zeal, much appreciated. I discussed it, once again, with my girlfriend and she is adamant she is going to keep her distance from him as much as possible. The issue is; he's also part of her social group...which is how they met. I hope he backs off, work and social wise, and doesn't try and impact our relationship any more than he has.
Those are great sources to tap into should he "cross the line"! She has also stated if he gets out of place she will severe any and all friendship with him. Which is as good as it gets I suppose. I just need to get my head on straight before she commences her new job so I don't fret and can sleep at night and function properly.
I spoke with a kind and wonderful counselor here who's directed me in the right direction to address my anxiety issues. I plan to tackle that next, so I am not worried when she is with him, side by side in a truck soon for her 2-week induction into her new job.
Firstly, it's good that you trust your girlfriend and that she has morals. Keep on trusting her.
Secondly, don't let him contact you and play with your head. Cut all ties with him. You don't need him in your life. This of course is just my opinion. Toxic people need to be discarded.
You mentioned that she had a 4 hour talk with him. If she made it clear to him that she's not interested then he's as thick as two short planks and is just making an absolute fool of himself.
I've discovered (and don't take this personally any men who read this) that when a woman pays attention to a man, it mostly makes them think that she's interested in him. Suggest to her that she's 'feeding his illusions' by having long conversations with him. Actually, she's 'feeding' him if she has any conversations with him.
I hope I've helped a little.
Thanks for your reply. I'm glad it helped a bit!
I was going to ask about your psychological wellbeing, but neglected to do so, so sorry about that! It's great that you've touched base with a counsellor. Here is an online resource for anxiety I'd like to recommend (it's designed by mental health professionals):
Your girlfriend, thankfully, sounds determined to keep as much distance as possible from this man, which is admirable. GeminiGirl raised a good point about not having contact with him. You could block his number or automatically delete messages from him. If you ever receive a message from him, and you read it out of sheer curiosity, make sure you don't respond. He may message you again as a result. If he doesn't get any reaction or response from you though, there's a good chance he'll desist. Though it sounds as though this man has only contacted you once, so hopefully he won't do so again.
I wish you all the best!
Thanks so much for the valuable advice GeminiGirl. I am pleased she is keeping him at bay and I have sent her the main point of your post (about paying him attention) as obviously 4 hours of chatting failed to meet the mark! She is gullible that way, to be expected I guess being young (nearly 37yo) and only having two boyfriends.
I have decided, playing nice or not, I refuse to have anything to do with the guy. He's already shown his disrespect to me and her, so I am done with him...period!!
Thanks for the followup and concerns Zeal. Also for the valuable link!
Today wasn't a good day as part of me wants to back-off before she starts working for him, but then he'd win! I am fighting, internally, badly with this tug-of-war!!! I need to get my head sorted before the big day, in 2-weeks, that's what I need to get in order for my sanity and our relationship. I don't want to worry all day, nor do I want to ask questions 24/7. It hasn't been healthy for us lately, so I want to try and cruise along with it as best I can.
Thanks again for providing valuable feedback! God bless you both.
Thanks for the thanks. 😄 I do hope that she understands that any attention she pays to him just 'feeds' his illusions.
You said something about playing 'nice'. There's no good or bad here, he's being a pain in the bottom and totally disrespecting your girlfriend and you. Toxic person. As you would do with your body, you rid it of toxins, you need to do this with people. You're being wise by having no contact with him at all.
If your girlfriend could keep him at a distance by not having even a 5 minute chat to him, he'll soon get the message.
I'm sorry that she's going to be working for him. Doesn't sound like a very good situation to me.
Now to you. You will get your head around it, I'm sure of that. Try to talk about all kinds of other things to your girlfriend and don't bring him into the conversation at all. You've spoken your piece to your GF and given her some information which may help but now you have to trust her and get on with your life with her.
I wish you all the best and remember, we're here for you to get some of those thoughts out of your head.
I told her what you said and I wanted to discuss everything but she balked and refused to chat. Then she SMS'd "best we go our separate ways"! Makes me wonder what she has to hide? She gave him 4 hours on a "park date" yet wouldn't give me a phone chat!? Hmmm.
Totally disappointed, I didn't reply to her SMS, and we haven't spoken since. Part of me is relieved I now don't have to worry when they are together down the mines. Also, friends of mine, feel like she played us off against one another. If she truly loved me she would have removed the catalyst...him! He's been the source of our arguments for months. I kept saying he wanted more but she refused to believe me. It took a friend at a group bbq to say something to her for her to react.
What angers me most, and you'll find this bizarre, is I forgave her for faking her death in 2012 and only resurfacing last year (after I called and she answered the phone). Can you imagine my shock! I mourned her for 3 years, now she does this to me!!!
I wanted to thank everyone for their help and assistance again, and to share what an incredible outcome came about (I can't stop smiling). My girlfriend, ex's still at this stage, chatted online last night...after about a week and a half of avoiding one another. Then late last night she spilled the beans what happened with "the creep" (what I refer to the other guy as).
Keeping in mind I prayed HARD over this (yes I am a Christian)...his transfer came through, so he's left and relocated. She ended their friendship, for good! Here's the best part (in her words)... So at his farewell party I got up and went to the bathroom... I was washing my hands and he came in. He stood in front of me and told me when he was leaving and then grabbed me and tried to kiss me . I pulled back, pushed him away and then king hit him right in the eye and walked out. Grabbed my bag and left....
I have never been more proud of her in my life! She said, "I don't condone violence but how dare he violate my personal space like that". So he got what he had coming to him. She later heard she split his eye open. She deleted his number off her phone.
Finally, he dropped his persona he faked to her for years about "just being a friend". And he got his just deserts. All this couldn't have come at a better time, just before she was due to start down the mines with him. When prayers are answered they are usually done so spectacularly ... but I never dreamed this well!
I haven't felt this good in weeks...life a huge dark cloud has lifted.
She has been strong enough to fall for his tricks and that will certainly make your situation much more comfortable, but what this has done is to make her aware of people like this trying to catch her, she must really love you. Geoff.