Office fling is tearing me apart

[itsagamble]

Long story short, I am married but was going through a down patch feeling lonely at home with all the attention on the kids etc. Sex life dried up and also a bit depressed about work, except that I had a crush on a girl at work and seeing her every day was my inspiration. She was a divorcee also in a long term relationship with a boyfriend of about 4 or so years. We were quite close and when she announced she was leaving, she became very flirty for the last few weeks. On her last day, we got drunk and ended up having sex, stopping part way through. The first few weeks after that was hell. I was so confused, crying all the time and shutting out my wife (who doesn't know). We ended up catching up with intention to talk it over but never did, just talked general chit chat, until a few weeks later, when she said she didn't want it to get out as her previous husband had left her for another woman after a long term affair. It seemed like she was more worried about repercussions than not wanting anything, but we agreed that it was a drunk fling and basically it didn't happen. This was months ago but I still have that crush. We see each other every now and then for drinks, only as friends, but she doesn't know how I feel and I don't want to stop seeing her - its the only thing that makes me happy apart from my kids. I literally think about her all day, every day. Have tried being intimate with my wife to get over it but she is always tired and never initiates anything. We're only in our mid 30s but averaging less than once a month for intimacy. I have tried to tell OW how I feel to see what she says, but I can't muster up the courage and then feel like crap again for days until I get a chance to see her. All has been friendly with OW, no intimacy , until the other day when we were flirty a bit and she blew me a kiss (after I joked about not kissing her and smudging her lipstick) then affectionately rubbed my arm when she said goodbye. That touch felt amazing. I am so confused and don't know what to do. On one hand, I want to be with her, but on the other I don't want to break up my family. Also, if I do split and OW doesn't want to join me, I would feel worse. My best guess at the moment is to get financially sorted so worst case I can afford a divorce and OW if she wants to, tell my wife and see if she forgives me. I think I would try pretty hard not to make the same mistake again. Should I just ask her if she likes me and if not bury it all? This sucks.

[blondguy]

Hi itsagamble

I just wanted to thank you for being a part of the forums.

Like Croix mentioned above your situation is not uncommon. I feel for you as we are only human and you are trying your best to do the right thing. Good on you!

You never have to justify your situation on the forums....Its not how we function. We are here to provide you with the best possible support we can without judgement

Can I ask if you have had a reasonably happy relationship with your wife until your fling happened?

Great to have you with us itsagamble 🙂

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Tams20]

Hi itsagamble,

I’m prone to developing crushes, I sometimes think that I do it just to give my brain something to occupy its time with, to see how well I cope with some additional emotional stress in my life... 😏 It’s mostly on people who are unattainable and therefore pretty safe. Occasionally it’s with somebody who is interested, but I haven’t ever acted on it. I’ve realised that it is just the idea of being with someone else that gives me a boost. The thought that things would be so much better than in my marriage. But then I start thinking about life with them without wearing ‘rose coloured glasses’, start visualising life with them during stressful situations and how that might pan out, start thinking g about the impact on my husband and family, and on their family... it usually kills the fantasy pretty quickly! And I always get over them with time.

As GoodWitch said, I would just ask her how she feels. If you are really serious about ending your marriage for this woman I think you should stop speculating about how she feels. If it was to end the friendship then that would at least give you some closure. Might not be a bad thing? Then you can decide whether you still want to leave your wife.

Tams

[itsagamble]

Maybe I'm over-analyzing things, blind lust and all. She was definitely flirty before the event, but not so much any more. Very friend like. I think I've been friend zoned but scared to ask how she feels or if she ever felt anything (which I assumed she had and I guess I acted based on that - I mean, you don't flirt with somebody and have sex with them if you don't like them right?). Maybe she does feel something but is blocking it out. I know she is concerned about her past and not wanting to be seen in the same way her ex husband was.

Just confused as we text occasionally through the day and sometimes at night etc and she is responsive, but replies to any compliments/flirty stuff with replies like HAHA and LOL (I hate texting!), but that's what she's always done. She still asks how I'm doing and how other things are going etc and we have good conversations when we're together so it seems that she is interested in some capacity. And she definitely doesn't try to avoid me, but I don't know that she'd go out of her way to see me as I do her. I think its just the affectionate touch that threw me off, perhaps it was nothing, maybe her consoling me or something I don't know.

Breaking down and stressed at home so want to sort stuff out soon so I can tell wife and see what she wants to do. She is upset seeing me depressed and not knowing why. Its been months, still so much confusion.

[blondguy]

Hi itsagamble

I understand that this is a difficult time for you feeling 'stuck' at home. Since there is no thing as a dumb question on the forums....can I ask you your thoughts about having a talk with your wife?

The replies you have getting from your friend at work seem to indicate that she is keeping her distance from you with the brief lol's and haha's when your compliments/flirty texts...(as she has always done)

Just my humble opinion if thats okay.....you have to have a talk to your wife....as in yesterday....even for your childrens sake

We are here for you....no worries!.....any questions or thoughts are welcome always..

My Best

Paul

[geoff]

Hi Itsagamble, maybe she might be feeling that you have told your wife and then feel some guilt, all in all, a decision needs to be made and unfortunately believe this has to be you who makes it.

There are 3 people who are involved in this situation and all of you are wondering 'what if'.

few points to consider:

-you cannot love someone you don’t have respect for

-you can't leave them wondering what you want to do

-one thing a man wants is for a woman to tell him that she feels safe around him.

- never make them worry you might leave them

Let us know your thoughts.

Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Itsagamble~

A difficult time and as Geoff says there are three people involved, plus your kids of course. Please excuse me if I just offer some thoughts, which may be well off-track.

I guess firstly if your mind was made up you might not feel so confused, uncertainty is pretty destructive after all.

I do wonder a bit about the level of the OW's involvement, it is very easy to assume others are as deeply affected as oneself, and there does not seem to be much reassurance from her direction. If you have to ask there may be less there than you think.

Your wife's being upset at your distress does seem to point to her caring about you.

Another thing I'd be unsure about is how much or how quickly one might tell one's wife. In some circumstances it might be like giving her the responsibility for any break-up, even though it would be a response to a situation not of her making.

All I can do is wish you the wisdom and clarity you need.

Croix

[itsagamble]

Thanks Croix. I think you're right about OW. We see each other and communicate as friends but there's no real intimacy or affection from her, I think maybe I am just hoping for it. The flirting is occasional and in a friendly/joking sort of manner at best but its confusing as to whether its signals or just friendly from her. I just don't understand how she could feel nothing when I previously sensed an attraction from her and I think that's why I'm confused. I could understand if I was a stranger. Maybe she does feel something and is hiding it. Too scared to ask her though because I value her friendship and don't want to scare her off. I'm even trying to erase everything by treating it as what it was and bury my feelings, but I can't.

I don't know if its lust or I'm in love/like (I don;t think so but have considered what future would be like with her) or I just want sex again or if I simply just want to know she likes me to make me feel better, its so confusing.

I'm almost at breaking point and feel like I will confess to my wife soon, for better or worse. Obviously this will make things worse, but at least she'll know why I've been upset and angry and she can choose what she wants to do. It will be devastating for us and especially with the kids,( I'm crying typing this, so sad). My brother has just gone through a similar thing with his family (he had an affair and left for OW) so people are going to think the worst of me. My parents will wonder what they did wrong. I'll lose friends and family. I have no doubt if I tell my wife, I'll have to tell her the details and how silly it was which hopefully may help her understand. Then I worry that my marriage will be destroyed and OW will be happy with her BF. I suppose that's jealousy. Then if I do tell my wife the whole truth, will OWs BF find out and she'll then be hurt. Maybe best thing is to let it go and wait for the attraction and guilt to wear off. I never expected so much pain - it was good but not worth this.

What do I say - honey, I have been upset because of guilt and rejection. I cheated on you with this person as I had built an attraction for them and I thought it was mutual. It was a once off and they told me this, but I got hooked and have held on hoping for more. I mean, how stupid am I?

[Terry73]

Hi itsagamble,

I can say how I personally feel about all this, but I dont think that would help you aas those same views have been put to you by other people here.

Now, I am not saying at all here to not tell your wife about the OW, but I am saying that you should focus on your marriage problems that are bothering you first with the wife. Get them sorted out first, because fixing that problem (or problems) is something you must do, for good or bad. Once those are sorted out, then you should have a clearer mind (and heart) to deal with the affair problem and be in a better position to work out whats going to happen.

In sorting out your marriage problems you are going to come to 2 scenarios, first is that you and your wife are able to get back on a loving family path that you once were hoping of when you married her in the first place, with a few extra scars of course, but still getting back on track, second is that you and your wife then break apart. In the first case, your feelings will change from the OW to the wife naturally, and then you can easily shrug off these feelings for the OW. In the second case, you are now free of the burden of marriage (not saying that it is a burden now, but if apart you are now free of those responsibilities) so you can re-assess your feelings properly without the complications of a marriage involved.

Trying to solve it the other way (affair problem before marriage problems), you will always be in the marriage problem(s) still, hence clouding your judgement, and never being able to really open up and solve the issue.

Again, I am not saying not to come clean about it, just solve what you can first that has the highest priority, which I believe is your marriage in your case, then decide on what to do after.

I am not sure if this advice will help or not, and it is just my view point on it all, but I do hope it all turns out for the best, for yourself, your wife and the OW,

Terry

[Croix]

Dear Itsagamble~

Reading though your posts again I think uncertainty and indecision are making your life worse. Even deciding to do nothing is a decision and may bring a little peace.

I think Terry has given you some good advice also like Terry I'm not saying stay silent, but I'd look at why I was going to disclose everything. Sometimes we can be truthful to make ourselves feel better, and it may be at a big price others pay.

Croix

[blondguy]

Hi itsagamble

Terry and Croix have provided sound invaluable advice/support through their own life experience

You have everything to gain by attending to your marriage as a matter of urgency. I understand you are upset and thats fair enough considering your situation. The occasional flirting from the other woman is secondary at this time.....until current issues are dealt with

we are here for you

Paul