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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Chatty87 Confused emotions
  • replies: 5

Hi All, I'm a little apprehensive about this issue and have been racking my brain on what to do for a few days now. I'm seeking some advice on what my next step should be. I've been married for 18 months now, together for 7 years. My wife and I have ... View more

Hi All, I'm a little apprehensive about this issue and have been racking my brain on what to do for a few days now. I'm seeking some advice on what my next step should be. I've been married for 18 months now, together for 7 years. My wife and I have 2 kids together and they mean the world to me (another reason this is so hard). I never thought that I could have feelings for another woman but here I am... I was away with work for 2 weeks on a course and I met her, along with 7 others completing the course. At first I thought nothing of it, I was there to do a job and got on with it. Then when we introduced ourselves to each other, there were things she said that sparked my interest so I wanted to know more. From conversations I had with her I felt I was starting to like more and more about her, I had not felt this way about a person since I met my wife. This girl and I share the same interests we are both driven and motivated to achieve pretty much the same thing. This scares me because I didn't go out to meet anyone else, I had a family back home. I feel like I have betrayed them, then again I also feel that if this was nothing and just a small flutter so to speak, why can I not stop thinking about her. Even when I am with my wife. The way I see it I have a few options, each with pros and cons: 1, I ignore the feelings and stay with my wife and carry on like it never happened. However I have been feeling for a while now that I don't love my wife like I used to. 2, I leave my wife and kids and see how things go with the other woman. I hate to say it but this makes me feel happier than option 1. Cons are that I don't want to destroy my kids lives nor that of my wife. Plus the other girl has a boyfriend, she did however tell me that she felt something for me too. I do not feel any inclination towards ending you life. I am however confused as all hell and don't know where to go from here. My wife doesn't know that I am talking to this other girl and I feel like I'm cheating on her, even though nothing happened with the other girl. Thanks ks for reading.

geminibabe42 *embarrassing post* obsession with a book!
  • replies: 3

Help. I've developed an unhealthy obsession with a book called 'The Rules' and it must be OCD but I can't seem to stop thinking about it and letting it ruin my life I'm a person who already takes things way too seriously at the best of times and I al... View more

Help. I've developed an unhealthy obsession with a book called 'The Rules' and it must be OCD but I can't seem to stop thinking about it and letting it ruin my life I'm a person who already takes things way too seriously at the best of times and I already fell crazy enough about this so please don't make me feel worse.But years ago my sister bought this book called 'The Rules' when I was only 16 and I was already developing this habit of taking things literally.I looked up to my sister way too much and thought I had to copy every little thing she did and she encouraged it by always telling me stuff I did was "right" or "wrong" which didn't help at all. But that's another story in itself.But anyway the book is a self-help book that basically tells you what to do and what not to do in the 'dating' phase of a relationship. Don't get me wrong, some of 'The Rules' are pretty logical and valid like 'don't call or message him' which I'm sure most of you ladies out there would agree makes sense? The whole premise of the book is that if a guy isn't texting or calling he's just not that into you. So don't text or call him etc.But (don't ask me why or how this has happened) somewhere along the way in the course of my young naieve life I have started to take other parts of the book way too seriously and let them ruin my life. For example, the rule, "Don't open up too soon"; "Don't tell him too much"; and "Be mysterious".These 'rules' are said to make a man find you fascinating and want to marry you. So even though I know they are just a guide, my OCD kicks in every time I'm on a date / in the early stages of a relationship / and I cannot seem to "let them go".It has gotten so bad that it has seriously affected my communication and my ability to relax / be myself / form an honest, meaningful connection with the guys I go on dates with / when in a relationship.Now, deep down I rationally know they are affecting the way I live my life. But despite this, I just CAN'T stop holding back in fear that I'll lose my future husband if I don't follow them. All because of this stupid book (coupled with my OCD).Please help me see what I can do to get over this weird obsession, and just be myself on dates?

themadchatter I have developed strong feelings for one of my best friends
  • replies: 4

Hi all I need some advice on how to proceed in my situation. A year ago I came across this female on an meeting people app called Meet Me. She and I were both living in Sydney. She was cool and fun to talk to. She then got back together with the fath... View more

Hi all I need some advice on how to proceed in my situation. A year ago I came across this female on an meeting people app called Meet Me. She and I were both living in Sydney. She was cool and fun to talk to. She then got back together with the father of her kids and they moved out into the country. She and I were still speaking but it was the getting to know you phase of the friendship. We then lost communication for a couple of months I don't know what the reason was as we didn't have a fight just lost contact with each other. She then broke it off with her husband seperated but not divorced. And we got even closer...talked every day. Have similar personalities and common interests and we don't hold back at all in our conversations. She once said she had considered dating me but decided against it because didn't want to ruin the friendship. She's been seperated for 4 or so months now and there were two guys that she was speaking to at different times that ultimately didn't work out. I was relieved but not aware of any interest I had in her. Recently within the last month and a half she has been chatting to a man she really likes and he really likes her and I have been getting so jealous everytime she mentions him. She is one hell of an incredible female and her happiness means alot to me but because I like her a freaking lot I don't want him to be the one to make her happy.. I want it to be me that does that. I just feel like how this is going to end up is she'll want to focus her time and energy on him if all goes well. I'll try to keep talking and being close to her as we have always been and its going to result in this dude giving her an ultimatum...that she either choose him to keep dating or me to keep being a close friend with and in that scenario I'll be the one who loses her not him

geminibabe42 Should I leave him?
  • replies: 7

I just don't know what to do anymore. I love my boyfriend of almost 2 years but he is a total d****head at times. We have broken up on and off and been back and forth for like our whole relationship. The only reason I have stayed with him this long i... View more

I just don't know what to do anymore. I love my boyfriend of almost 2 years but he is a total d****head at times. We have broken up on and off and been back and forth for like our whole relationship. The only reason I have stayed with him this long is because we have had so many amazing moments where we have really loved each other. He has called me his future wife several times and said countless times he wants a future with me. But every time we have even the slightest communication issue we don't know how to solve it and it's mostly because he is too stubborn to change something or apologise whenever he has upset me. Now it has gotten to the point where he doesn't even seem to want this anymore and he is hurt about something that I have done recently, which I think is small given the bigger picture of our situation. But he doesn't seem to understand and keeps saying things like "I have broken his trust and hurt him too many times," yet he rarely ever acknowledges the hurt he has caused me . The thing he is hurt about is that recently I hanged up on him and said "I just can't be bothered" at a time when things were really bad and we were fighting heaps because I just couldn't take it anymore . He broke up with me after that because he says "we just keep hurting each other and I can't deal with it". But then he came down to get his stuff and I talked to him and "convinced" him to stay. I told him how much I loved him and reminded him how up until now we have always said how much we want a future together, to move out and get married etc. He still wanted this to work so he was "giving me another chance". So we got back together. But things have been miserable since with him constantly saying he is still hurt and us both so scared it's going to happen again. But the thing is, I feel that our communication breakdown was both of our faults, but it feels like he just blamed me and took no responsibility, which he never does . But now I am thinking of breaking up with him because he says he just feels "anxious" now all the time that something is going to happen. He says he felt "relieved" the other day when he called and I didn't answer my phone. That hurt me so much and again I feel he is blaming all me for this, but not taking fault himself. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him after all we have said and shared and built together. But he has hurt me so much. I don't know what to do. Should I try to solve this? Or should I just leave him?

Flaca1974 New to BB and find myself alone.
  • replies: 1

Wanted to say Hi and see if anyone can give me some ideas on how I can cope. Part of my depression makes me pull away from all those I love. I feel not worthy and a real burden.When I get confronted with an issue in my relationship that generally has... View more

Wanted to say Hi and see if anyone can give me some ideas on how I can cope. Part of my depression makes me pull away from all those I love. I feel not worthy and a real burden.When I get confronted with an issue in my relationship that generally has nothing to do with me I instantly internalise it and feel that Im the one to blame. So much so that I run. And by run I mean get on my bike and hit the road with no clue on where Im going. My poor partner of 2.5yrs has had this happen to him 3 times and the 3rd time was too much for him. As a result I am now alone. Because no amount of saying sorry this time will fix the hurt I have caused him. I wish I wasn't the way I am.

Lauryn I need support and help
  • replies: 1

My daughter has been removed from me for 8 months now and there is so much dodgy stuff going on in the system in doing everything I can but they don't seem to want to help with reunification anyone know anything about the system that can help? Please... View more

My daughter has been removed from me for 8 months now and there is so much dodgy stuff going on in the system in doing everything I can but they don't seem to want to help with reunification anyone know anything about the system that can help? Please I'm desperate

Countthestars Separated after first baby
  • replies: 1

I don't know how this happened, I have just had my first baby 7 months old, and found my husband has been seeing prostitutes and taking drugs for the past 5 months, Im in so much shock I can't eat or sleep and feel like my world is falling apart. I a... View more

I don't know how this happened, I have just had my first baby 7 months old, and found my husband has been seeing prostitutes and taking drugs for the past 5 months, Im in so much shock I can't eat or sleep and feel like my world is falling apart. I am trying to do everything possible to be here for my baby. We have been together 7 1/2 years married for 1 1/2. I have kicked him out of our home, I am so confused and hurt I am unsure if he has been dealing with depression after the baby as he disconnected completely I have basicly raised our baby on my own. He is saying he still wants to be married and has started seeing a psychologist. I have no idea what I should do right now

Else27 Mum of 2 new speration my head is a mess
  • replies: 2

I don't know what to do but here goes... It's been almost a month since I found out that my partner and the father of my two babies had been sleeping with people behind my back. About a week before my youngest was born I received a message from someo... View more

I don't know what to do but here goes... It's been almost a month since I found out that my partner and the father of my two babies had been sleeping with people behind my back. About a week before my youngest was born I received a message from someone who told me he had been sleeping with people behind my back long before I had my first born and continues to sleep with anyone when I'm not around. He denied and convinced me that he wouldn't do it as he knew I'd walk away with the kids and we were his world. A couple months ago I told him that after I had second baby I considered not coming back as I felt so low, and I didn't know whether I should trust him, he sat there and cried. For almost a year it had always played on my mind. We were in the process of buying a home which we would be able to watch child grow up together, making plans for the future. As we were waiting for the loan and everything to go through myself and the kids had been living at my pArents place. A few days before my birthday we were traveling back to see him after he had been away working. We stopped for the night and my toddler thought his dad was there he was so excited to see him again, so we rang him he sounded quiet like he didn't want anyone to hear him talking to us. He told us he'd loved us couldn't wait to see us the next day and hang up the phone. A few hours later I received a message from the friend of a girl he'd been sleeping with, telling me everything. How he was telling her he loved her and that she was waiting for him. I rang him he denied it, told me people were trying to come between us. I sent him a photo of the message and tried to ring again. He turned the phone off. He finally told me the day after he could resist, and he had to go. We have gone from talking most days when he was working to nothing, hasn't even asked about the kids I don't know if he even wants anything to do with them. People have come forward and told me he had been doing it the whole time we were together almost 5 years. It feels like a waste. I just don't understand how someone knowing what he was doing allowed 2 kids to come into the world. It took me 11months to fall pregnant with my first. And talking about the future, why bother committing to buy a house when he didn't want to be with us? He thinks he can just walk away like nothing ever happened, while I'm breaking down watching my 2 kids ask for dad and he's out enjoying life partying like we were absolutely nothing to him.

missken My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree
  • replies: 14

Just over a week ago my partner of almost 13 years came home late after a night out and the next morning broke up with me. I was completely shocked. I knew that there was something not quite right between us lately - I had noticed that he was distanc... View more

Just over a week ago my partner of almost 13 years came home late after a night out and the next morning broke up with me. I was completely shocked. I knew that there was something not quite right between us lately - I had noticed that he was distancing himself from me over the past few months and choosing to spend more and more time away with friends that we don't share. He has also recently become obsessed with losing weight. He said that he's been feeling numb for the past few months and the spark has faded. Apparently he needs some time on his own to work out what he wants. He also said that he's not attracted to me anymore and feels that I am not trying to keep my weight under control (which is untrue - I go to the gym regularly and have been making progress on my fitness/ trimness since recovering from injury). He said that lots of things have been irritating him lately. He said that he doesn't want to keep screwing me around by staying with me and thinks I should find another partner to have kids with. We had planned to start trying to have a baby in a few months' time. On further discussions he said that he thinks I don't like him anymore and that I am not attracted to him anymore. I explained that my behaviour over the past few months has been as a result of how rejected I have been feeling because of him appearing to not want to spend time with me anymore. I used to be his favourite person to spend time with, and now I feel like I coming home to me is a chore to him. He insists that he hasn't met anyone else and in fact has never met anyone else in the 13 years we have been together that he could see himself in a relationship with if we weren't together. I tried to convince him that we can work through these issues now that we're talking about them openly, but he'd already made up his mind that were are going to break up. I have given him a week on his own and asked that he seeks councelling as I think that the problem is wider than just him and I. He doesn't seem happy in general and has a history of suffering from depression. Nothing seems to make him happy lately and he is getting drunk really often and not taking care of his health. He is convinced that this isn't depression because it doesn't feel the same as the other times he has had bouts of depression. I don't know what to do. I just want to be with him and truly believe the spark can be reignited now that we are being open and talking about the elephant in the room

auroraone To move or not to move again...that is the question
  • replies: 4

Boy could I use some advice here. I am running out of ideas. Here goes... My wife and three children have been settled now in a community for three years, one in which I have had great difficulty finding work. I recently picked up a good role in Sydn... View more

Boy could I use some advice here. I am running out of ideas. Here goes... My wife and three children have been settled now in a community for three years, one in which I have had great difficulty finding work. I recently picked up a good role in Sydney and we are due to move in about a month. Now that we approach the move date my wife and kids are really struggling with the idea. We have moved many times before for work, usually mine, and this has led to a belief that we will end up stuck in the same loop again. Especially with Sydney prices. My wife has been working over the last few years but it has not been in an area she particularly enjoys. I have being working hard to organise a study opportunity in Sydney so that she can diversify into something more to her liking. Unfortunately we won't know whether she has got into the degrees until after we arrive in Sydney. So, there is the possibility that she will not get into anything that she wants to. Thus, she could be left babysitting again in a city we have not really known for years. Coupled to this, I recently had a stint away for work (9 months) because I couldn't find anything locally and this means that our relationship has taken a big step backwards. With the rush to move I feel that we are struggling to stay above water. I have been trying to follow the old saying that women need love first to feel wanted, but this time round is hard. The problem is that I have already started the job and, in all reality, will struggle to find work where we are if I were to pass the opportunity up. The role offers long term stability and the possibility to transfer regionally. I know I could fall back into another role, like getting back into the cafe again, but it will not be easy to support the fam on that wage. I know this sounds selfish. I have been struggling for years to find a long term stable role to minimise future disrupting for the family and this is what I have found. My problem is that I have always been more comfortable being a gypsie and she is a home-body. Essentially, my wife is delivering me an ultimatum. She either wants to go it alone and not move or move with me and give up everything she has. I am trying to find a workable third option, but I am running out of steam. I can't lose her and the kids, but for my own sanity I also need to work to stave off a strange depression that hits me in between work stints. Thanks for reading everyone. Any comments are really appreciated.