Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Molly06 I'm scared my marriage is ending and it's my fault
  • replies: 19

I am not sure where to start except to say I have not felt this sad in a long long time. my husband and I have been married 12 years, we were engaged after 7 months and married 6 months after that. We had trouble falling pregnant and went through 5 r... View more

I am not sure where to start except to say I have not felt this sad in a long long time. my husband and I have been married 12 years, we were engaged after 7 months and married 6 months after that. We had trouble falling pregnant and went through 5 rounds of IVF. We fell pregnant with twins and then at 32 weeks found out that one of our twins had died. They were both born 4 days later. as a result of this I suffered extreme anxiety and depression and went into hospital for 7 weeks for it. My husband was my rock. 2 years later we fell naturally pregnant but had complications and I was put in hospital on complete bed rest from 26 weeks and my child was born at 32 weeks. We moved towns and built a lovely home together and while I have missed close friends I have loved our life together. My husband has always spoilt me, told me how much he loves me and been a wonderful support but I lost my sex drive. We are lucky to have sex once a month and often that's just because I feel bad. Not only have I lost my sex drive but I just don't kiss him for no reason , we do cuddle on the lounge every night which I love and we went away in November last year without the kids and had a great week and sex drive had returned. It's not that I want sex with anyone else I just don't seem to want any. monday night he said that he is tired trying to live in this platonic relationship. We talked about it last night and he said that he isn't about to walk out and that the marriage isn't over but he looks resigned as if it is over and he said he doesn't know what to do to fix it. i suggested some kind of counseling but he can't see how that can help my sex drive. i am so so sad, I don't want to be with anyone else and I can't imagine my life without him in it and I am so scared what it might do to our kids especially my daughter who has started suffering anxiety. i don't feel I can talk to any friends or family about it and I can't talk to him about it ( well I have) but he doesn't have answers. He is the one I go to when I have problems and now he and I are the problem. i just don't know what to do. sorry for the very long post

Aimee_billie Lost marriage and now Losing the love of my life
  • replies: 2

Hi all I separated from my husband and father of my two boys last year. I fell out of love and knew something was missing in my life - most likely self love, but at the time I felt like I needed an emotional connection from him that he wasn't able to... View more

Hi all I separated from my husband and father of my two boys last year. I fell out of love and knew something was missing in my life - most likely self love, but at the time I felt like I needed an emotional connection from him that he wasn't able to give me. Since then I have been seeing a new man. He is amazing. Loves me more than i could imagine a man could. My kids have met him and love him to bits. however early on we had a few bumps around trust which sent me anxiety sky rocketing and I crashed hard. I went to my GP after I started cutting (I am 30!) and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety - although I think I have had it for most kd my life as I've always had a terrible self image. I've had a rough battle with my ex and he has gotten a girl pregnant so now I'm dealing with how to handle that wth my kids. I also had a hard time changing medication and things for bad with my new partner and I and we broke up. But got back together shortly after. problem is now I push him away constantly. One day I am feeling the happiest I have in years... Just hours later something so small happens and I just have a melt down. I break it off, but he fights for me. My anxieties and Insecurities take over and I feel I'd be better off alone and he'd be better off without me. i don't know what to do. Do I fight for him. Do I be alone. Take the time. Fix me. Somehow?!? Or can he be in that journey wth me?

Jorja_ Well meaning family members... Ahhhh.
  • replies: 2

I don't meant to be ungrateful, but does it bother anyone else when their family tells you to just push yourself, just stick it out, don't accept the way you are, don't accept this is all you can be... I really don't mean to be grateful, I know that ... View more

I don't meant to be ungrateful, but does it bother anyone else when their family tells you to just push yourself, just stick it out, don't accept the way you are, don't accept this is all you can be... I really don't mean to be grateful, I know that others have the other side of the spectrum in terms of family members. But it just frustrates me when I try to explain that I know what to do. It isn't a matter of not knowing where the key is, it's a matter of willpower to walk over to it. For me at least, that's kind of what it's like. All I wanted to hear was to focus on my accomplishments and not be discouraged by the bumps in the road. But the focus was all around the bumps on the road, and why I shouldn't do it again. As if I don't know. Argh, just ranting here.

Phnx2405 After 10 years of being single I'm still scared to try and love again.
  • replies: 2

Hi all. This months marks the 10th anniversary of my ex and I breaking up. It's the only relationship i've had. I'm 34 and am utterly petrified to let anybody in. My depression killed my ex and I. Her light that I unfairly relied on extinguished and ... View more

Hi all. This months marks the 10th anniversary of my ex and I breaking up. It's the only relationship i've had. I'm 34 and am utterly petrified to let anybody in. My depression killed my ex and I. Her light that I unfairly relied on extinguished and we collapsed under the weight of the darkness that i brought into the relationship. She knew going in that I had my issue's and to this day i adore her for sticking to it as long as she did. Boy, did it get horrible. By the end I had become very catatonic, theres even a good 9 month stretch I no memory. Just darkness. I don't want to put anyone through that again so i've convinced myself i'm not good enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough, not anything enough to warrant anyone to love me again. That's privately... Publicly everyone around me assumes my standards are too high. Coz thats what i do. I deflect my true fears to hide from their pity. Even when I have, rarely become interested with someone i flat out refuse to do anything about it. To the length where I've had 4, 2.5, and 2 year droughts just for sex. I just don't want to put anyone through that kind of trauma and misery again. I always said my depression is my dark mistress. Maybe she's actually my life partner. I dunno, all I know is I don't want to be alone but i'm frightened to truely open up. Phoenix

Ausko massive self doubt and worth, with new relationship.
  • replies: 2

Getting straight into it. i have been seeing a girl since early March, we are not dating however not by my choice. i am trying to better myself for this girl and for many others in my life, i have noticed that i become obsessed in a sense with my par... View more

Getting straight into it. i have been seeing a girl since early March, we are not dating however not by my choice. i am trying to better myself for this girl and for many others in my life, i have noticed that i become obsessed in a sense with my partners, they become the only person i really want to talk to about anything. i am however constantly feeling as though i am not enough, or on the verge or loosing her and because of this i am finding it hard to even enjoy my time with her even tho thats all i want to do. she doesnt need to see me every day or even every week, and i am used to this happening and when i dont see her i am constantly thinking that she is lying to me or wanting to be away from me beceause she honestly doesnt like me. i know that a big cause of my mentality is that i have been hurt so many times before ( being cheated on and being left for someoene else ) but i honestly dont know how to shake these thoughts and its bringing me down to the point i dont even want to get out of bed. keep in mind its not her fault and i dont blame her. she is a girl used to long distance relationships and she has also come out of a long term relationship like myself but she doesnt want to be labeled.. this is also what gets me all her friends and family know of me and who i am to her but she still doesnt want to commit. is it because i am not good enough for her? i know i might be going on a tangent i sometimes dont really know what im even typing and i dont even know why ive come to this site. but i feel horrible for weeks and i dont want to go to anyone else.

Alove New relationship,my girlfriend sufferes from depression.How can I support her and myself?
  • replies: 1

Hi guys I'm new here so I'm try keep it brief. I'm in a gay relationship and have been for about 9 months.im heavily in love with my girlfriend but she has suffered from depression since 16yrs of age.She is now 28 and has been on anti depressants sin... View more

Hi guys I'm new here so I'm try keep it brief. I'm in a gay relationship and have been for about 9 months.im heavily in love with my girlfriend but she has suffered from depression since 16yrs of age.She is now 28 and has been on anti depressants since 16. i guess I'm asking for advice...and the age old question is this common for somone who has depression. i find her at times quite distant,face in her phone,dosent talk to me ect.We live 10mins from each other but she dosent wanna ever see me mid week and hang out.at the beginning of the relationship she was all over me and now...id be lucky to get a kiss hello. And this is starting to affect me,I feel alone in this relationship at times...there is virtually no affection and no intimacy.See I'm normally I pretty super happy goofy person.Sometimes this rubs off on her and things are amazing! But she so withdrawn latley.I try and talk to her she shuts down. what do I do to support her and make sure I stay happy too? I don't want to imagine my life without her despite how sometimes she makes me cry because of how distant she is.

Redangel1991 Anxiety, drepression and a naturally aggressive partner
  • replies: 2

So I'm 25 he is 24 both have depression his is so called undercontrol while I'm spiralling so far down for some reason from the start he has pushed me to be cleaner and once I had it down pat it wasn't allowed to be any thing but i have a 2and half y... View more

So I'm 25 he is 24 both have depression his is so called undercontrol while I'm spiralling so far down for some reason from the start he has pushed me to be cleaner and once I had it down pat it wasn't allowed to be any thing but i have a 2and half year old daughter we me when she was about 3 months old he also has a 5 year old girl I have always believed that the cleaning can wait right now is a moment I don't want to miss kinda person specially now with the daughter this is all new to me and from the start his words were piercingly mean and very loud my parents heard a lot of what was said until they eventurely asked us to leave cause they had enough this time just last night it wasn't really an aguement more of a display of his "disappointment" or anger really just anger, I was in bed as I start at midnight and had to work through till 8am a big shift and he was home late around 10:30 he came in the house had checked that all the house work was done and cause of a black out I finished the washing machine cycle but dos not hang it out as I wouldn't have had any sleep but I didn't wanted to leave the clothes in water. His reaction to this was cursing and slamming doors of all kinds yelling why is nothing done the clothes on the line were still wet I couldn't put them away so he took them off the clothes line and chucked them all on the ground over night and all this man had all the dishes done for him including the ones he didn't get to he had his dinner ready to warmed up ready to pretty much go when he got home and the house was clean i love him but he asks so much from me we never have much sleep I always go to bed alone we haven't had sex in nearly 3 months and he is mental turned that switch off after the mother of his daughter so he isn't interested really ever and intermercy there is none I can't trust him with anything I say as I am scared I am going either hurt him or said something terrorbly wrong or he just gives me mr fix everything today broke me seeing all the clothes I had cleaned the day before all had to be done again he has broken many things in these moments but now I am broken over been crying on and off since I saw the clothes also shanking uncontrollably i also feel as though I've exsaghted my supports until I'm ready to move on from him then i know I have a lot of support as no one likes him help please

Maggie_ Feeling hopeless and lonely
  • replies: 3

Hi all, I'm wondering if anyone has any words of advice... I feel I have always suffered from depression and loneliness to some degree but for some reason in recent weeks it has gotten even worse. I don't get excited about things anymore. I don't see... View more

Hi all, I'm wondering if anyone has any words of advice... I feel I have always suffered from depression and loneliness to some degree but for some reason in recent weeks it has gotten even worse. I don't get excited about things anymore. I don't see the point! I feel like the future is bleak and hopeless. I have a fiance but still I feel lonely a lot, even though he is very supportive. I emigrated to Australia from UK 2 and half years ago so I don't know if that has something to do with my loneliness. My family dont call or Skype - only message over Facebook. I have asked them time and time again to Skype and they just don't want to. I let them know that it upset me that they don't ask about my life here or try to talk to me other than Facebook messenger and one sister actually had a go at me, mum and other sister said nothing and the third sister simply said 'well it was your decision to move there so you just have to get on with it. I suppose people have their own lives going on' and I get that people have their own lives but a 10 min phonecall once a week or fortnight isn't asking much (in my opinion). But I've given up on that because I don't want them to speak to me just because I'm forcing them to. I feel like everyone else has closer friends and family (better support network) than me and it makes me feel lonely. I'm not good at making new friends as I'm self conscious and get tired and bored sometimes in social situations so probably don't appear very approachable! I'm struggling to find motivation to do anything at the moment. I want to call in sick so I can just spend the day napping in bed and eating (I over-eat a lot and have noticed I'm putting on weight but can't stop!) but so far I have dragged myself into work but don't know how long I can keep that up. I have told my GP that I'm feeling down and she gave me a questionnaire to fill out and I am seeing her again tomorrow to show the questionnaire and she might refer me to speak to a psychologist. But I guess I want to know if anyone thinks that speaking to a psychologist worked for them? And if not what else might be able to help instead? Thanks so much for reading my post

irascible Troubled family and marriage
  • replies: 3

I am 25, and have been married to my wife for 4 years. We have 2 kids, a girl (2) and a boy (1). My wife and I are always getting into arguments over stupid, trivial things, usually because of something that I've done (or not done).I will admit, that... View more

I am 25, and have been married to my wife for 4 years. We have 2 kids, a girl (2) and a boy (1). My wife and I are always getting into arguments over stupid, trivial things, usually because of something that I've done (or not done).I will admit, that since having kids, my life has been a lot more stressful, I'm just not sure how to deal with this. We have just started seeing a psychologist together, to see if we can work on things. My wife thinks that I'm unhappy with my life, and that I take out my frustration, and anger on the people around me - I guess this is somewhat true.Little bit more about me: I've seen a psychiatrist who told me that I have a form of austism/Aspergers (high functioning autism). I feel that I see the world differently to most. My brain is always going, always taking in information about everything going on around me. As a result, I often suffer from mild anxiety, but not to the point where I have panic attacks etc. I'm taking an SSRI for the anxiety side of things, and a stimulant to help keep me focused at work, as I'm often easily distracted by things.As a result of my brain going 100% or the time, I'm always tired, I'm somewhat an insomniac, and sleep quite terribly. I want to improve myself mentally, and became a better person, in hopes that this makes me feel physically better, and that I be a better husband and father

Sadcookie Conflicted heart
  • replies: 1

I've being having relationship problems for the past few months and often thought about leaving him but stayed because I was worried he would kill himself. I was crying all the time and worried about him because he wouldn't talk to me and showed litt... View more

I've being having relationship problems for the past few months and often thought about leaving him but stayed because I was worried he would kill himself. I was crying all the time and worried about him because he wouldn't talk to me and showed little affection. Finally I had enough and decided to end the relationship, but when I saw him I just couldn't so I said if he could show me he would change then maybe we could try again, he agreed then ignored me for nearly a week. When I saw him at work (we work together) I was upset and let it show, though probably too much. I wanted to talk after work and apologize for how I treated him, he said no, it was clear how I felt and that it was over. Since then I have been thinking about the relationship and how I felt, I still care about him and want to be with him, but I also remember how being with him made me feel, I was always sad and there were very few happy moments. He was very selfish and always thought about himself, never asking how I was or caring if I had a bad day. I don't know why I still want to be with him because I have a list of why it was a bad relationship. Then last night I had a dream that we were together and were having a baby a beautiful little boy we were happy and smiling and I wanted to wake up because I knew it wouldn't happen but at the same time I wanted to stay in it so bad that it made me cry. I don't know what to do... ever since he ended it he has ignored me and brushed off my attempts to talk to him, I tell my self that he is not worth it but my heart still aches thinking about him.