Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Dora27 Feeling alone
  • replies: 3

Hi. I'm new here. Married with 3 boys all at home (23, 21, 18). My husband has cancer, it has made him, understandably, moody and self absorbed and very short fused. We are stepping on eggshells all the time. He's quite proud and a black and white th... View more

Hi. I'm new here. Married with 3 boys all at home (23, 21, 18). My husband has cancer, it has made him, understandably, moody and self absorbed and very short fused. We are stepping on eggshells all the time. He's quite proud and a black and white thinker and won't consider counselling or medication. Basically im really struggling and feeling like I'm holding everyone up. I'm fairly anxious at the best of times and not very good at asking for help because I've got low self esteem and have always thought you had to put on a happy face or your friends won't like you or want to be around you. i don't know whether I'm depressed or whether it's just part of motherhood to be constantly worrying about your kids, whether they're happy, whether they have enough friends, whether I should have done more as a mother to make them happy. im at a bit of a loss. We don't know my husband's prognosis because the doctors never say much, he's grumpy and unhappy, I'm worried about him and my kids, especially my youngest who's in year 12, and really feeling quite bad myself.

WritingDamsel How to get space from my friend
  • replies: 1

I don't really know where to begin this, but I keep thinking I need to "break up" with one of my best friends. About a month ago I found out that she had spent six months lying to me, and asked another one of our friends to do the same, however the w... View more

I don't really know where to begin this, but I keep thinking I need to "break up" with one of my best friends. About a month ago I found out that she had spent six months lying to me, and asked another one of our friends to do the same, however the week after she split with her boyfriend (another one of my good friends) so I felt I had no choice but to forgive her. After the break up I asked her if it was okay to stay friends with both of them, and as she said yes I have made an effort to stay in touch with them both. He hasn't said anything nasty about her, but she keeps trying to upset my friendship with her ex and then saying she wants us (her ex and I) to be friends. I feel like I'm being used as a way to "get back" at him. She's also started constantly giving me backhanded compliments and saying that it's okay for her to treat people badly because she's just broken up with her boyfriend. Whenever I get back home from being around her I either feel numb or want to cry. I just want my space, even if it's just a couple of weeks, but I have no idea how to ask for it because we've been friends most of our lives.

maxbel ex moving on so soon
  • replies: 2

Hi over the past couple of years, life seems to be constantly throwing blows at me....my dad died suddenly and i didn't get to see him to say goodbye due to it being my now ex's mothers surprise birthday party which he said he had to attend, rather t... View more

Hi over the past couple of years, life seems to be constantly throwing blows at me....my dad died suddenly and i didn't get to see him to say goodbye due to it being my now ex's mothers surprise birthday party which he said he had to attend, rather than supporting me in my difficult time. My family fighting over my dad's will....My closest brother who always was there for me, was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 months later...we nursed him and he passed 5 months after diagnosis....2 weeks after his diagnosis, my then ex's father passed suddenly....and 6 months ago, my relationship of 12 years broke down....and smaller hits keep coming until the point where now, I have no strength to get back up but I know I have to for my kids....today my ex, who moved in elsewhere next door to a girl who he has been continually spending more and more time with, and who most assumed he was with, confirmed that they have recently got together. Now I don't want him back but for me, the thought of moving on is far too early....even his family have told him that it is too soon but he is true narcissist without any care or conscious for anyone else....I can't fight anymore...I am so sad and tired and just want this pain to end....thank you for listening

Gmqn I rang a sex line...now my marriage is on the rocks
  • replies: 4

Ive been laying awake since 2am searching the Internet for answers...1st time posting so bear with me. The title says it all,i have been married 8 year's been together 11 years have 2 beautiful daughter's which are my world.A couple weeks ago we were... View more

Ive been laying awake since 2am searching the Internet for answers...1st time posting so bear with me. The title says it all,i have been married 8 year's been together 11 years have 2 beautiful daughter's which are my world.A couple weeks ago we were having drinks at home with mates the night ended we came to bed things got frisky but my wife got sick(from to much alcohol and a tummy bug) so im laying there horny and drunk i decided to watch some porn,next thing a come accross sex chatline number for some stupid reason i ring it and hang up as soon as the "operator" picks up,i continue to porn but thats not enough and ring the number again for about 5min.I feel so bad next day and try tell my wife but i can't so like a loaded shot gun i leave it for her to find out when we get the bill at the end of the month.Her response is our marriage over and wants out she said its the same as sleeping with someone else,she is really hurt and her heart is broken...a couple days pass we dont really talk and she messages me this "thinking as much as I love you I dont see how we can work.Right now I can't stand to even look at you and dont even want you touching me Im so disgusted.Im so heart broken all i think of is some women talking dirty to you while you wank yourself.I dont want a broken family but I do deserve to be happy.I dont want to take the girls away from you but I dont want to live up here.So I want you to actually think about me for a change and tell me what must I do?" We live in a rural mining town which she hates,she has been sleeping in the spare room since(1 week),also during all this she told me she doesn't find sex pleasurable anymore we thought her low sex drive was the IUD but after taking it out 9months ago it hasn't come back anyway thats another story. So I've spoken to a counselor over the phone and we booked in to see her next week.My wife said she will try that before she leaves but doesn't see how we going to work.She also said if we didn't have children she would have left me.Ive told her I'm sorry and I want to make things better Im broken the thought of divorce my life without her I don't know how I can go on...Today's fathers day so im going to put on my happy face for my kids and enjoy the day. Its 6am im going to try get some sleep any help will do. Thanks

JR333 Fiance wants to leave
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I am new here and need help. My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years, since we were teenagers in high school. We moved out of home together to a completely new town 3 years ago, we worked hard for everything together and were heading f... View more

Hi all, I am new here and need help. My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years, since we were teenagers in high school. We moved out of home together to a completely new town 3 years ago, we worked hard for everything together and were heading for both of our dreams. We always told each other we wanted to marry and have kids. My partner had a very hard childhood, she was severely sick for 2 years which led to the breakdown of her family, her dad suffering from borderline personality, attempting suicide twice, her sister also attempting suicide, her mother caused her nothing but hurt and pain. My family became her family, and have done more for her in the past seven years, than her family has ever done for her. My fiancé was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 6 months ago. She started medication and speaking to a counsellor - for a couple of sessions and then stopped. In hindsight, I didn't take it as seriously as I should have because I didn't understand what it was. A couple months passed, my partner seemed to be getting better. She seemed happier and we were getting along very well. We had a few bumps along the way but that's normal. Until 4 weeks ago, there was a minor disagreement and I pushed her a bit too hard - which I now know was not the right thing to do. But that was it, she told me she doesn't know what she wants anymore, she’s not in love with me, she doesn't want kids or to get married and that we are on different paths now. She's sick of having to worry about how I feel and that she only wants to worry and care about herself. She wanted a break, so she went back to our hometown for a week and after some back and forth, she decided that if i am willing to fight so hard, maybe she isn't making the right decision. So over the past 3 weeks, I took more control, she started on new medication, she has just started to go to a new psychologist. I have done everything for her to be supportive and get her better. But last night, she tells we’re done, that she is sick of trying, it's over, she’s not in love anymore and that we are on different paths now. I am so hurt by this as I know it's not what my 'real' fiancé would want and feel as if it is the depression talking. Nothing I say gets through to her, she has made up her mind. I'm not sure what to do, has anyone else gone through this and have any advice. I love her way too much to let it be thrown all away just because of this sickness. I feel like it doesn't have to be this way... Thanks

MMari Seeking support and advice for a desperate mother who's son is facing jail time - new to this so a bit nervous as to how much to say
  • replies: 1

Hi. I'm new to this. I'm seeking support and encouragement from mother's and families who are facing or have been in the same situation as myself. My son 23, is facing jail time this month and I'm beyond desperation. I don't sleep, I cry all the time... View more

Hi. I'm new to this. I'm seeking support and encouragement from mother's and families who are facing or have been in the same situation as myself. My son 23, is facing jail time this month and I'm beyond desperation. I don't sleep, I cry all the time, afraid of losing my job and just two weeks ago my son was placed under suicide watch as he's made several attempts on his life and has made further attempts in the last 12 months leading up to his sentencing. He'll be sentenced a very long way to where I live which will make it even harder for me to visit if the case be that he gets sent to prison. It is his first time offences (that which I cannot discuss), and I'm just so desperate, lonely and heartbroken. I'm afraid of what will happen to him with other prisoners as he's not strong at all. Please help. Desperate mum. :(:(

Dale25 So sad and hurt
  • replies: 1

Hi there,i wanted to share my story as I am so so sad and lonely.i was happily married with 2 children.abiut 18 months ago I had an affair with someone younger and fell in love.i left my wife and kids and moved in with my new partner.we were so in lo... View more

Hi there,i wanted to share my story as I am so so sad and lonely.i was happily married with 2 children.abiut 18 months ago I had an affair with someone younger and fell in love.i left my wife and kids and moved in with my new partner.we were so in love and had amazing times.things were going well however the guilt of leaving my wife and kids was overwhelming.about 20 weeks ago I had dinner with my x wife.my new partner totally list it and moved out.our relationship went from so happy to anger and became so nasty.i ve tried for 10 weeks to apologise and ask for forgiveness.dhe had now disappeared and I sm unable to contCt her or find her.i have been to the doctor several times who prescribed anti depressants which I have not taken.ive tried several counselling sessions, even ended up in hospital one night.i drink a lot.I have never felt so hurt and list in my life.i cry everyday.My x wife has been so kind and trying to help me through.it feels like I'll never be happy again and I'm never going to see my partner again.i live get so much but she's gone.im finding it so hard to move firward.i feel so hurt that I left my family to be with my new partner and now she's left me.

Martii Relationship ended out of nowhere and now I feel like a shell of myself
  • replies: 6

Hey everyone, I have not been sure where to turn to with this and just utterly hopeless in what to do. 6 months ago my life was very different - I was living with my boyfriend who I saw a bright and happy future with; naively I thought we would get e... View more

Hey everyone, I have not been sure where to turn to with this and just utterly hopeless in what to do. 6 months ago my life was very different - I was living with my boyfriend who I saw a bright and happy future with; naively I thought we would get engaged - we'd been together for 2 and a half years and basically we thought we'd be together forever until he blindsided me by breaking up with me. I moved out and was a wreck, until he called me and begged for me to come back, so I did. Until he did it again a month later, saying he never wanted to get married, or buy a house, and he wasn't in love with me anymore. I have never felt so betrayed in my life because he never spoke to me about any of this, he never showed any signs or anything that this was coming - there was no demise of the relationship, he just literally walked in the door one day and ended it. My life did a 180 and at 27 I found myself broke, unemployed, and living back at my dads house. I have never felt so low in my life. I threw myself into doing all I could to move forward with my life, I found a job and threw myself into it, started working literally every day, started dating, catching up with all of my friends. I thought I was fine and then suddenly one day it wasn't, and now I feel stuck. I find myself crying every day, struggling to get out of bed. I have no passion for anything anymore, I have no motivation to do anything, and I feel worthless and hopeless - I don't see myself eve being happy again, and I just don't know how to get to that place where I can be. All of my friends are getting engaged and married and are living their lives, and I feel like it just makes me feel worse because I thought that was going to be me soon and it isn't - I want to be happy for them but I can't when I feel like my life has turned to absolute rubbish and I don't know why it has or what I did to deserve it. Essentially I feel like everyone is living, and I am just merely 'existing'. I feel like a zombie walking through life, or that I am in another universe to where all these other people are - there is some kind of invisible barrier between me and everyone else. I feel like the shell of the person I used to be; I feel so lost. Just not really sure what to do anymore and am looking for some kind of advice or insight.

NerNerNer Low self esteem collision (Vent)
  • replies: 10

Hi all, long time no post. I'm just venting about this, not looking for advice or a solution because I've got to figure it out/work directly with my counselor. However that appointment is over a week away, so venting is required. Last night I lost my... View more

Hi all, long time no post. I'm just venting about this, not looking for advice or a solution because I've got to figure it out/work directly with my counselor. However that appointment is over a week away, so venting is required. Last night I lost my temper with my low self esteem housemate over something arbitrary. A back and forth 'I'm right, you're wrong' over ham packaging. It wasn't even MY back and forth, I was doing a job application and listening to it carry on. It was because the low self esteem housemate was, understandably, annoyed that our housemate had mistakenly eaten said ham. Other housemate had bought more, but low self esteem housemate decided that the packaging couldn't possibly be the same format she preferred and, without looking at it, got very snippy and resentful and rejected the offer. After a few minutes of listening to my low self esteem housemate trying to prove herself right when the other housemate was, indeed, factually correct I intervened. I have low self esteem myself and the low self esteem housemate has argued with me like this on several occasions on several topics and I can't stand it when she does it to me. The freaking lengths she goes to try to prove me wrong are just incredible, and when she ends up being proven wrong (often indirectly) more often than not, she sulks and won't look me in the face for days. Listening to her do it to someone else was infuriating. I don't need to be right, but listening to someone who was correct being told they were wrong just cooked my bacon. So, I raised a 'joke' about a manufacturing error with the ham packaging in question so the correct housemate had an excuse to show off the packing and, in sharing the funny error, got to prove who was right and who was wrong. It was one of those packs that have the ham split up into two servings and the manufacturing machine had packed the entire lot into one compartment. The other compartment was sealed but only had a couple of tiny scraps in it. It was seriously 'tee hee lol' when we noticed it, but it certainly wasn't appreciated by the low self esteem housemate. Gawd, what is wrong with me... I didn't need to intervene. Who cares who was right and who was wrong. Now I'm worried that there is going to be more awkwardness and competition. Gaaah.

Troubledmatt I'm ruining my marriage
  • replies: 4

Despite how hard I try, my efforts to remedy my depression are tearing my family apart. I just spent 15 minutes with my wife crying on the laundry floor about how hard I have been to deal with over the past few years. I can't deny this. And that's th... View more

Despite how hard I try, my efforts to remedy my depression are tearing my family apart. I just spent 15 minutes with my wife crying on the laundry floor about how hard I have been to deal with over the past few years. I can't deny this. And that's the kicker. Even though I know I am the problem I still haven't the foggiest how to fix it. I'm seeing a professional but I feel as though I am getting nowhere with it. I'm a disengaged husband and father to a beautiful 18 month old and as I type this I have traps rolling down my face and no idea why his is the case because I would move heaven and earth for them but the one thing I haven't been able to do is make or keep them happy. I honestly feel like a failure and hate that father's day is soon because I believe I don't deserve any praise or affirmation about being a father. It kills me when. I'm crabby, irretable and can't take feed back from my wife. I wear a mask in front of others to keep up appearances which I feel makes things worse when I find anany opportunity to skulk away from the crowd and be away from "it" all. I'm not on here for a poor me response. I'm here to see if this avenue can provide me with that something I'm missing to be the father and husband I want to be.