Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Midnight6 I don't know what to do
  • replies: 4

Hi, i haven't been on here for a few months. First of all i am a wife and a mother to 2 beautiful boys. My relationship has been bad for the most part of about 4 -5years. My husband is controlling and manipulative and i see it but don't want to belie... View more

Hi, i haven't been on here for a few months. First of all i am a wife and a mother to 2 beautiful boys. My relationship has been bad for the most part of about 4 -5years. My husband is controlling and manipulative and i see it but don't want to believe it. I have depression, i see a psychologist and i am on anti depression tablets. I want the relationship to work but then I think i want to be on my own.i also have a question.. i had Facebook behind his back beacuse of the control, he found out about it and because of his insecurities he made a list of rules that we can and cant do so he can deal with it as he hates facebook. Is that ok? Am i not considering his feelings if i dont agree... he said if i don't then our relationship will end and its all beacuse of facebook... im so tired of not being able to be me... i hate life...i do nothing but mope around. I do love him but don't know if im in love with him. He has told our kids when he's been upset and angry that if him and i aren't together he won't see them much and that i will take them away... so they put the blame on me. He has told me that if we weren't together that he will make sure the kids really know how much of a liar i am... but i only do it cause he's so controlling and i don't like conflict. I don't do anything wrong... i just don't know how to deal with it anymore. Im numb, i have given upon life and no matter what people say i can't get out of it. Ive put on weight, i don't look after myself anymore... sometimes i think maybe the boys and my husband are better off without me. Im drowning and nobody even knows... what do i do.

Louise1990 Depressed and Fallen out of love
  • replies: 3

My boyfriend of 5 years just woke up one morning a week ago and told me he was incredibly unhappy with his life. I immediately put it down to his job and how stressful our last few years have been financially. I believe it all began from when he got ... View more

My boyfriend of 5 years just woke up one morning a week ago and told me he was incredibly unhappy with his life. I immediately put it down to his job and how stressful our last few years have been financially. I believe it all began from when he got fired. But then he started a new career which has so far given nothing for all his effort. I knew he was unhappy i could see and feel it but he's always been the most romantic, caring loving person. People would always be saying how envious of our relationship they were because of the way we looked at each other so you could imagine how much it would hurt when that beloved other half tells you he's not in love any more. I'ts absolutely crushing me. He only just told me today that he is actually depressed and is getting help. He's initial response was to quickly get me out of his life so he wouldn't drag me through it. These are just a few things he's said to me: - I'm not happy with my life - I don't want to be with anyone right now - I don't love you anymore - I feel nothing - I have to let you go - I'm worried ill be happier without you - I cannot love you right now - the spark has gone - I wan't to be alone He also explains to me that he genuinely feels no happiness right now towards anyone but the one thing that is sticking with me apart from all that is "I am afraid that once you go i'll be happier without you" to me that hurt the most. I know him and i know his instinct is to quickly cut me from his life so he doesn't have to deal with this anymore and he explained that to me. He's continually saying i wish you did something wrong so this would be easier but you haven't. We had the most amazing love an connection beyond belief. I never knew it existed until i met him. My question is do i have hope? Is it very likely that his loss of love comes down the severity of his depression? I have moved out to give him space and he will continue to get help but i cannot help but worry with fear that he will just turn around and say. I'm sorry but you are why i am depressed and i need you to go to be happy. I know there are other factors to this but our relationship is obviously going to be most affected because he has no feeling right now. I feel somewhat of a relief that his Physiologist has diagnosed him with depression because then i don't feel so afraid that his simply fallen out of love with me and that there is underlining issues to be causing his depression. Can someone shed some light for me. This hurts!

Shaz1 Daughter problems
  • replies: 2

Hi I have my adult daughter living with me whom is causing me huge stress. She has been given an amount of rent to pay (by housing) and won't pay me the money so I'm having to pay it. She pays for nothing in the household. And declares she shouldn't ... View more

Hi I have my adult daughter living with me whom is causing me huge stress. She has been given an amount of rent to pay (by housing) and won't pay me the money so I'm having to pay it. She pays for nothing in the household. And declares she shouldn't have to pay her way. Sometimes i am left with no money not even for food, she will buy a little for herself or get takeaway and not anyone else touch it. I have asked her to move out, she said no. (many, many times) She also puts me down a lot, (and her sisters) i can't take much more. I am scared in my own house. Its like living with my ex, she says all the things he used to. Then just as i hit a point of "losing" it she will suddenly she will become all nice again. (same as ex used to do) Maybe if i try and sort this out, ill be able to start working on other areas. Shaz

Margstarus Forgotten or Invisible
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I just have to get this off my chest as it affected me last week and now it has hit me again! So, I've been through lot this past year. My husband told me he'd been having an affair for the last two years with our neighbor. Then a month later... View more

Hi all, I just have to get this off my chest as it affected me last week and now it has hit me again! So, I've been through lot this past year. My husband told me he'd been having an affair for the last two years with our neighbor. Then a month later as I was still with him, he had sex with our close female friend but I didn't find out until the neighbor texted me at work to inform me. Then he told me it wouldn't work anyway and he'd been unhappy for years. It came as a shock. All year its just been up and down. That's just background to why I'm fragile. I suffer from diagnosed depression and am treated for it. Anyway, last week my workmates went around collecting for a man who has left his wife and has moved out. I feel so selfish for getting so down about this. No one got a collection together for me! Why? Is it because I keep my problems to myself? Am i just invisible? Now they're collecting for a casual nurse from another country who was only staying a couple of months. Come On, when does it stop? This is all leftover from when I left my old job. 10 years work $40 bucks in an unsigned card and three people came to my farewell. $40! And they're wanting to buy an opal for this casual nurse! I just feel paranoid, invisible and worthless. I'm a good person but not good enough to be noticed Thanks,

new_beginning How do i get over my ex??
  • replies: 11

Its been 7 months since he left but its still as raw as it was day one. So much has happened in the last 7 months to make me want to hate him, for how he has treated me and our children and i hate the things that i have done and person i have become ... View more

Its been 7 months since he left but its still as raw as it was day one. So much has happened in the last 7 months to make me want to hate him, for how he has treated me and our children and i hate the things that i have done and person i have become out of hurt and frustration. During our relationship he cheated on me a number of times, one of those times while i was in labour with our daughter. He has at times made me feel like i was nothing,like our daughter who we planned to have together was nothing and i have given up so much of myself to try and make him happy. But nothing compared to how the last 7 months have been but now im just so lost. During the last 7 months he has ignored me so much. He hasnt paid a cent towards our daughter, never asks how she is going or my son who looked at him as a father for the last 3 years. Ill be trying to organise a time to see the children with him and ill say something he doesnt like and he will hang up on me (it doesnt have to be something mean directed at him, maybe im busy with something on a particular day so he hangs up) and this has made me so frustrated that i stupidly call him so many times trying to speak to him again. One day i think i called him 100 times.. its so stupid and pathetic but i cant stop myself from doing it. I just want to be heard and i get so frustrated when he doesnt even try even for the sake of the kids. In the last 7 months he has seen his daughter 5 times.. once even coming to my house to drop something off and she and my son were out the back playing and he didnt even bother to stick his head over the fence to say hi to them. It makes me so angry. This last weekend i tried to organise a play with my 2 kids and his other daughter as they all miss each other terribly but when i got to his house he had changed his mind and wouldnt let his daughter come play. We argued and i stupidly got out my car and keyed his car (coz its the only thing he really cares about) and ended up with me being thrown on my bum which i deserved as i shouldnt have done it. I dont know how to stop loving him, for who he used to be. I am struggling to give up on having my whole family back. I want to stop all my stupid actions, its so far from who i really am and feeling the need to tell him how his actions are affecting me when at the end of the day i know he doesnt care. How can i move past all the hurt and forget about the love, family and hopes and dreams i once had

Moongoddess UPDATED: Finding it hard to cope after breakup
  • replies: 7

Im 25 years old and have battled with depression most of my life but its been particularly hard lately. Ive not long gone through a break up with the man i thought was my soulmate. I was with him over 6 years and lived with him about 5.. im lost with... View more

Im 25 years old and have battled with depression most of my life but its been particularly hard lately. Ive not long gone through a break up with the man i thought was my soulmate. I was with him over 6 years and lived with him about 5.. im lost with how to live now.. and i actually wrote a poem today about how i feel thought i would share here im sure many feel the same.. anyways enjoy my poem: my heart all cracks, fractures and splinters, feels like a thousand winters, cold and all alone, no one to call my own. my heart does wither and decay, nothing to keep the pain at bay, so many restless nights, all my dreams filled with frights, no one to hear the screaming in my brain, the pressure is so much i feel i could go insane, hopelessness and despair, are what follow me everywhere. my eyes fill with tears, these feelings i feel ive had for years, shut down, broken and lost, to scared to pay the cost. how do i learn to live again...

hope_64 will I ?
  • replies: 7

I am 52 and scared that I will never meet anyone special to share my life with. I continue to push people away scared to let them into my world I have depression and know how hard it is for me sometimes so can only imagine how hard it is for someone ... View more

I am 52 and scared that I will never meet anyone special to share my life with. I continue to push people away scared to let them into my world I have depression and know how hard it is for me sometimes so can only imagine how hard it is for someone else to live with so feel it is not a fair thing to do to someone else any ideas to help break down the brick wall i have built myself.

Karenh Partner Working Away. Not Coping
  • replies: 2

Hi All, My partner works away 9 days on and off on a rotating roster. I know 9 days doesn't seem like long to some but for me, at the moment, it feels like a lifetime. I suffer from mixed anxiety and depression and have done..well..forever basically.... View more

Hi All, My partner works away 9 days on and off on a rotating roster. I know 9 days doesn't seem like long to some but for me, at the moment, it feels like a lifetime. I suffer from mixed anxiety and depression and have done..well..forever basically. I can usually manage with my techniques, exercise and eating well, but lately I am experiencing a yo-yo of emotions with him coming and going. I've tried everything. Getting out, talking to people, most people's advice is pretty flat or they don't understand why I am upset. From what I've read staying in contact with them as much as possible helps but I'm finding it harder and harder to talk to him while he's away. It makes it worse. He puts in alot of effort to be in contact. I love my partner and he is very kind and patient but the last time I can remember me being in a good place mentally was when I was single and didn't have to go through the coming and going. I feel like my life is in limbo when he's gone and I just cannot shake the anxiety. When he's home I'm happy but dread him leaving and count down the days. I feel like I'm being ungrateful and needy but I'm trying everything I can. Any advice? Anyone going through something similar? Sorry for the lengthy post guys. Xx

Lady_Lamington Is this normal?
  • replies: 2

My boyfriend of 3 years has traveled with his family to the UK, and he has no idea when he will return. They went over there for a family wedding. Since he is a UK citizen he has decided he wants to stay there and get some work for a while. I didn't ... View more

My boyfriend of 3 years has traveled with his family to the UK, and he has no idea when he will return. They went over there for a family wedding. Since he is a UK citizen he has decided he wants to stay there and get some work for a while. I didn't actually think he was going to do it in the end... things got complicated before he was due to leave (lack of funds, fighting with his family) so I didn't let it worry me. But then the time came around and he decided to do it. I'm really proud of him... there were so many factors telling him not to go, but he was brave and did it because he wanted to do it. But now we have no idea how long he will be there for. His flight home is open-ended, and he doesnt know if this could become 6 months or maybe 2 years. It's been one month already and I just can't seem to come to terms with it all. I'm sad all the time, which is not like me at all. I miss him so much, we barely get to talk due to the time difference (and his lack of credit). I have so much free time now. I didn't realize how much I relied on his company. I find myself crying all the time. Everything I do, every task I set myself seems like a distraction from my sadness. I feel I can't enjoy anything completely. Is this normal? To feel so empty and lonely? I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by my lovin family, but I feel they grow tired on my constant moping. And their company just isn't the same. I just don't know how to cope.

Notavictim Separation - help
  • replies: 4

My husband and I have been together for about 7 years and we are currently separated and living apart for about two months now. It's been hard as though its allowing us to figure out what we each want it has also intensified our trust and other issue... View more

My husband and I have been together for about 7 years and we are currently separated and living apart for about two months now. It's been hard as though its allowing us to figure out what we each want it has also intensified our trust and other issues. The separation was initially caused by my husband telling me that he had been on tinder and had met a girl for coffee. Though nothing came of it, I was upset and told him I no longer trusted him. Though he initially apologised and acted contrite, of late he has been very secretive and suspicious answering texts in front of me and not answering calls around me. In addtion to this I found that he had gone on the Ashley Maddison website . His best friend is a serial philanderer as well as his boss. Yes we are separated but I feel that this behaviour is disrespectful to both our marriage contract and to me. My contribution to this is my lack of commitment in other ways due to my fear of being hurt as a result of my previous relationship. This has placed a strain on our marriage in that we have never travelled, gone on a honeymoon or saved for a house deposit. All things that I yearned to do but was too fearful to do so . Owing to being pushed into a corner I told this to my husband effectively, pushing things over the edge. I want to try to repair this relationship but my husband is upset with my lack of commitment and I continue to be upset with his behaviour and willingness to just throw it all away. Basically we both feel betrayed by each other. I am struggling with life at the moment especially with the stress from this relationship. I don't know what to do. I'm finding it difficult to do normal activities and the paranoia with regards to my husband's behaviour is a constant distraction. My husband has said he is currently processing. In the meantime I feel powerless and exhausted. Sam