PLEASE HELP! MY WIFE IS DRIVING ME BANANAS!
Hi, my name is Andy, I've been married to my wife for over 2 years but, been together for over 7. It's been a hell of a journey and I'm really struggling to enjoy her company anymore. We recently had a baby girl (3 months), I love her dearly and she makes me happy but, my wife has the opposite effect these days.
A brief history of my wife, she has diagnosed ADD & depression, her mother also had ADD & depression. My wife has been taking antidepressants for almost 15 years now and she was on prescription amphetamines to help her ADD & focus on her job in HR. She is now off those ghastly script amphetamines (thank god they made her so wired all the time!). To add to the mix she has zero communication with her family, she has had a tough life, she told me when she was young she was always the odd one out and always got picked on by her family members (including parents), they would say things like "you have a mental health problem and you need to be on these medications". She struggles to maintain friendships, I have seen her go through like 10 different friends over the years it's like she tries to find a reason not like people anymore. She feels extremely isolated all the time.
There is more, but my main issue with me is, that I have to walk on eggshells around her all the time, be careful what I say, if I say something remotely relating to her it's all over and she's bawling her eyes out in the bedroom for hours and I'm the biggest a-hole around. She is constantly bringing up her family, her friends and our issues, things that have been ongoing for years. I feel we have no more to discuss about those issues as they are too draining and I find them so frustrating talking about them again.
I work 6 days a week and my wife is on mat leave for a year, I'm at the stage now where I dread the thought of going home to see her, I do it to see my baby, but most of the time not to see her. It really sucks, we are seldom intimate anymore and my mental state is deteriorating rapidly, I'm generally a pretty chilled passive sort of guy, but her issues are really rubbing off on me and turning me into a person who is negative all the time, I'm anti-social now, I have few friends also due to most of our friends have been disconnected due my wife's sensitivity.
We have seek help in the past, but to no avail. I was hoping things might have improved with having a baby but, it's tough and I'm getting to that stage, I'm thinking should I be in this relationship or not???
Hi Gam, welcome
Yes, IMO you should be in this relationship 100%.
Having a baby is a stressful affair and stress is a big trigger to behavior. This is where devotion is gold, its when she needs you and your best approach is to not take things personally. Her sensitivity (boy , I'm the most sensitive on the planet) is likely so extreme due to her life's circumstances. At this period she needs you to reach out and comfort her all the while ignoring her sensitivity.
Having her disorders is a major issue. I often suggest that two part time jobs are better than one full time one, country living better than city living, change of career to non customer contact and less colleague contact, regular enjoyable holidays and so on. Ask her to go out with a friend while you mind your baby.
I've just written a thread here called "Sensitivity?- break the cycle" have a look for it in new threads at the top.
It is very possible her ADD will be joined with depression like her mother at a later date if not already. Watch out for those symptoms.
She is also dwelling on things like lost friends and conflicts. Google
Topic: nip it in the bud-ideas- beyondblue
Topic: who cries over spilt milk?- beyondblue
Topic: be radical- beyondblue
Topic: words are sticks and stones- beyondblue
Topic: the labyrinth of friendships- beyondblue
You can also google things like "children of a parent with ADD" and so on. I once google "children of a parent with BPD" and virtually read about why I am the way I way, my behaviours etc.
If you like you only need to read the first post of those threads. Also it would be really great if your wife would join in for that reading. For both of you need to tackle the issues not just you.
Mental illness is unique to the individual. We also live on extreme boundaries of normality. We just survive and often that means blaming anyone around us and that is usually or partner.
I know its hard for you but you must rebound and show some care, patience and understanding. It's a tough time for both of you. A chat with your GP is beneficial.
im going through something similar at the moment and it’s quite hard, I get it...
mate I don’t have the answers as I’m going through it now, but something that helps me is if you can get away or drive somewhere for a few hours and clear your head and see where your thinking leads...
in my case its so hard to decide as I do love her, but when it becomes to such a stage where it affects you too much, you need to reconsider Hong’s which is what I’m going through... having said that I haven’t found a solution either...
see if some time alone helps... my 2c...