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Just wanting support and to know I'm not alone

Community Member

Hi all,
New here. Thanks.

I feel very alone and a failure at my own life and I keep messing up everything good that comes my way.

I was in a relationship for about eleven months with a man from America. We had known each other for 20 years online and had spoken on and off throughout the years.

In jan 2017, we finally decided to take things to the nex level.

When we were together in person, we felt so right and very natural. we were so much in love. .

Unfortunately, I' can get a little insecure at times, and I was that way when he got a female housemate to help pay the bills. We'd have discussions over it and sort things out. Later on however, I started to ask why his family is still so close to his ex which he attempted to help me deal with, saying it's not about them, it's about us etc. but alas, my insecurities got the better of me and after a while, in fact, a month before he was due to come out here to live, he broke it off.

I've beaten myself up over this since then and would write him emails trying to figure out whether we could work it out, since, distance was also starting to cause friction naturally and we both admitted, we had no doubt, things would be easier to sort out once the distance could be closed.

He said he was sorry, he acknowledges the distance and he will always regret the decision.

I finally began to feel angry as I realised that him pushing me away and such had him just as responsible as me. I bashed myself enough and it takes two to tango.
Like me, he has depression so I'm assuming he could no longer cope though he never communicated with me to let me know what was going on in his head.
If he could have waited one month, which he was once happy to do, we could have sorted this so easily.
He completely gave up on me and I'll never understand why since he would always tell me how much he loved me and he would always be there.

I try and surround myself with friends and I do see a Counsellor once a week to a fortnight.

I'm still in shock that it's all over
just like that; I thought we were meant to be, and so did he until he snapped.

I can't believe I'm left alone again.
I wish I said things differently and we wouldn't be in this situation.
How do you move on from blaming yourself for stuffing up your happiness and hence feeling worthless and failing at life? 😞

Thanks for reading; Sorry about the Length

P.S apologys for the bad formatting.

3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi rdfreak, welcome.

I hope I can provide some clarity.

In these situation when there are some fundamental difficulties/challenges, (like distance and culture) they sit quietly in the back of ones mind...until bamm! One issue comes along and tips it over.

In your case you feel his rejection of you is solely over your insecurity...I dont believe that. As much as we can be in love, everything has to be right to make it work. If not, it wasnt meant to be.

If we are positive people, we find positive in everything we do...even breaking up. An exception is the passing of a loved one.

For you now, I would try to remain friends if possible only because of the length of time you have been friends. But your expectations of yourself is way over the top and thats commenced the "blame game" which isnt healthy.

These threads will help even uf you just read the first post


Topic: distraction and variety- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

All the best. Repost here or on those threads.

Tony WK

Thanks Tony; I did find the first post dated the 17th of December helpful from the Doctor.

I'll take a read of the other ones you recommended.

Community Member
"How do you move on from blaming yourself for stuffing up your happiness and hence feeling worthless and failing at life?"

I just wanted to say that this sentence is literally me, for all of my life. Every single day I blame myself for losing the few good people in my life, losing opportunities, making bad decisions, just everything. I have ended up alone because of it, and I know it's my own fault. So I just wanted you to know you are not alone in these feelings. It's easier if you have someone else to blame and you can rest easy knowing you did all you could, but when you blame yourself it's very hard to live with yourself every day so I understand completely. But I still have hope that in time, we can eventually learn from our mistakes and try to forgive ourselves for making them in the first place.

Also like you said, even if you feel like you are mostly to blame (whether that's true or not) it helps to remember that it is never completely one-sided. No one is perfect, so try to also keep in mind the ways he failed in the relationship too. Additionally, you can make excuses for yourself. To hell with whoever said that you're not allowed to do that. "This was my first long distance relationship, of course I wasn't good at it"/"My past experiences led me to be insecure today, so my trust issues aren't that surprising," etc. Whatever applies to you, just tell yourself that. Little things like that can help you live with yourself until one day you can move past it.