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The right to be angry?

ravenm
Community Member

Hi, im hoping for some emotional support as im going through a bit of a rough time in my head and i do not have anybody to talk to.

Im thinking to break up with my partner of 3 years and father to my youngest child. In fact I've been thinking to leave for one year, since i have moved back into his house. However I find it very difficult to actually leave because i worry about money and how i know how he gets nasty when things don't go his way. Also i do love him and do not wish to hurt him.

He has hurt me alot in the past, all to do with his drug use. He was not very supportive when my youngest was newborn, he'd be out few nights per week sometimes till 6am doing whatever drugs and i dont know what else. He promised me before baby was born he "wouldn't go out at all". I relied on him to at least be consistent (i had a newborn and a young child). I suggested he choose 2 or 3 days a week to have as his days to do whatever he likes but he could not stick to the chosen days for even one week.

I felt he was disrespecting me too much and did not care about me. I moved out into a rental house but after a few months i decided to give him another chance because i wanted the family to be together and he promised me a few things. Of course, after i moved back into his house, he broke the promises. Even though i made it very clear to him before, that i was putting all of my already broken trust in him again and i would be deeply hurt if he broke these promises. And when it did happen, and i expressed my sadness he groaned and told me i was making a big deal of nothing.

He continues today to smoke weed everyday, some days he smokes all day. This was one of the important to me promises he made me and broke. (He promised he'd smoke weed only a couple days per week) This leaves me with a partner who is either high or cranky and easily angered because its been too long since he had his weed. I have 2 young kids and i do not like any drug use in the home. He sometimes smokes in front of the kids or drives with them after he's just had weed. Both of which i can not accept.

Couples counselling we tried once but he lied a bit and that made me feel really upset. I do not wish to do that again.

I suppose more than anything i wish to hear that i have a right to be angry. Because surely relationships are supposed to have mutual trust, respect, honesty and communication?

I realise this is a minor problem but it has caused me alot of sadness and confusion.

Thanks for reading.

17 Replies 17

BballJ
Community Member

Hi ravenm,

Wow, I read your story and am quite shocked at a lot of it, you have given this person what seems like 1 million chances. You have every single right to be angry as your trust keeps getting broken and yes you are right, relationships are built on trust, mutual respect, open communication and kept promises. I am not here to judge anyone nor do I want too, however the fact he smokes in front of your young kids to me in unacceptable and the fact he drives with them in the car right after smoking is beyond belief. That is just way to dangerous for the kids. I am actually a little taken back by that.

I understand you said couple's counselling is not an option but are you looking for someone on here to say go ahead and break up with him? I cannot say that as it has to be your choice of course but the well being of your kids is most important and I do think you have a right to be angry. It seems you have re bought all this stuff back up with him as well? You are willing to compromise but relationships are a two way street as well.

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Ravenm

Good on you for writing such a valid post that is not only effecting your relationship but many others too

You are a very caring and forgiving person Ravenm. What you have mentioned in your post is problematic as (just as per my knowledge) the weed nowadays is hydroponically grown and thus its more potent and dangerous than the weed that was available 30-50 years ago.

The weed can also 'trigger' any underlying psychological disorders such as psychosis, severe anxiety and sometimes schizophrenia unfortunately

The forums are a safe and judgemental free place for you to post Ravenm.

You have a young family and you have also had the strength/care factor to seek joint counseling too and good on you for being the proactive person you are. I am sorry that your partner wasnt helpful

I really feel for you and your children Ravenm. Your partners addiction is not only self destructive to the family unit but isnt conducive to your childrens current and future development either.

From what you wrote I dont see this as a minor problem. This is a serious matter

You had the strength to mention "He sometimes smokes in front of the kids or drives with them after he's just had weed. Both of which i can not accept"

As you mentioned Ravenm, this is unacceptable....You dont need any more sadness and confusion in your life

I hope you can place your and your childrens health (mental and physical) first and take the appropriate steps to ensure that you and your children come first. All other considerations are secondary from what I can see

You have tried so very hard. I am sorry to read that you are going through so much.

I hope you can stick around the forums Ravenm. There are many gentle people that can be here for you during this difficult time. You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish to

You are not alone here

My Kindest thoughts for you and your children

Paul

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Ravenm~

I've read your other thread at:

Forums/Relationship and family issues /unsure

in which you go into more detail about your relationship and the problems you have had.

I guess the first thing to say is that your idea of what a partnership should be is spot-on, plus of course care and love. It should also not put children - or anyone for that matter - at risk.

Well, there is no way I'd describe your life has having 'a minor problem', it is in fact by any measure a very serious one. Like Jay I'm not going to make suggestions for you but will say that in your place I would not only be hugely angry but frankly would not have stayed around - largely because of his placing the children at risk with his cannabis habit. Now I know that is easy for me to say, and I acknowledge it may neither be what you want, not what you can do, however that is me.

From the sound of it his reliance on cannabis is high, and the changes of his reforming do not look good.

I can't really see why you should blame yourself for this situation, after all one hopes for and tries to see he best in a partner, it's just in this case it did not work out, you and the kids were repeatedly let down.

I know you say your relationship with your friend has ended and also your parents are not that close. Is there any chance of patching things up or getting help from at least one of these? You sound very much as if you need someone on your side.

In the event you did decide to leave again or simply if things get impossible I'd strongly suggest you first talk to our 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636) and set everything out, including his past threats. Ask for practical advice.

As Jay says, please talk more.

Croix

Bethie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi

Smoking in front of kids....big big no no. I'm pretty tolerant on smoking in small doses but getting high constntly then driving and with kids. Hell no...you wount often see me say it on here but he's a addict. Anything that is chosen over a persons family is crazy

A childs brain is still developing and we do not know the long term effects of THC on it. Yes i agree with smoke for medical use in both adults and children but what he is doing is not medical. You have been more than accommodating with his behavior but you need to protect yourself and your children.

I met my husband in the first few years of me getting clean and sober. Now 17 years later we still have to same agreement. If either of us ever relaps the other gets our son away safe. My husband uses medical smoke for his PTSD due to active military service but is never wasted. We have a small area down the very back of our large yard where he goes for less than 5 min every morning before our son gets up. This is not easy but your partner either needs to go to rehab or you need to get away at least for a while

Hi Croix, thanks for alerting those reading to the earlier thread on this topic.  We're going to leave this thread open as it has had so many replies already.  

Ravenm, if you could help us out by keeping to this thread for discussions about your relationship, even if you're coming back after a little while, that would be great.  

It helps the community to provide you with the best support by having all the relevant information in front of them, and saves you and others from having to repeat themselves.

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Ravenm

Hello and welcome. Let me say first off, this is NOT a minor problem. I also think you are experiencing more than sadness and confusion, more like deep hurt and pain and the feeling of being torn between wanting to help your partner and wanting the best for your children.

The earlier posts here say it is you who must make the decision to stay and leave and of course it is true. Rather than think about your concern for your partner and how it may affect him, think of your situation and act in the best interests of you and the little ones.

Write a pros and cons sheet. What is good about staying, what is bad about staying etc. Also look at how you can cope on your own and what help you will need. It's much easier to say "Oh I cannot leave because I am afraid, or have no money or any other reason". Instead look at the available options. One thing springs to mind is your partner's determination to smoke marijuana. What happens if the police catch him and he goes to jail? You will be forced to care for yourself and your children.

Please write down all your options and include a column about your feelings on each issue. You must keep away from feeling you love him. I cannot see another person who abuses the trust placed in him and endangers your life and the lives of your children having any love for you. Under these circumstances how can you love him? I expect I sound quite harsh, but I have been there with broken trust and abuse. He will never change just because you want that change.

It's the carrot and stick process. He promises he will do what he ought, the carrot, and then gets annoyed when you expect him to keep his promises, the stick.

You said, Also i do love him and do not wish to hurt him. He has hurt me alot in the past, all to do with his drug use. How can he care about you and more to the point, how can you live with someone who has no interest in your well-being? This is a very common situation when one partner promises to reform and does not. They brainwash the other partner to make them believe it is their fault in some way or the offender threatens harm to you and/or himself. If he truly wants to get well he will do so but not when you, or any other person, is around to prop him up.

Talk to your GP about your health and that of your children and ask where you can go to get help. Start planning to leave with your supports in place. Write here often.

Mary

ravenm
Community Member

Thank you everyone for your replies. Im definitely feeling the support and it makes me feel more sure of myself to hear that other people think i do have the right to be angry.

Like i said i have no one to talk to about this, aside from my partner... and each time i do talk i get dismissed as silly, over-reacting, or then he tells me how good i have it- how lucky i am and im being utterly ungrateful for looking past the things like how he works so much and pays for the house. Which of course makes me feel terrible and most times i end up apologising to him.

Each time i have tried to leave in the past, i get told that i am breaking up the family, he will hate me if i take his kids away etc. I do wish for him to always be able to see his son, however im scared he will continue his regular habits but i wont be there to potentially stop them.

I have been considering contacting / going to a women's refuge just to have space to think and to organise some centrelink payments. But i have always felt my situation is 'not serious enough'. I have no where else to go. Perhaps a cheap caravan park? I dont know. I don't have money to waste. I do know that i cant get centrelink assistance until after i move out, yet i can't get a rental property till i have an income. This is my biggest stress. And its this single hurdle that has prevented me from leaving.

Last time i left, i had a friend who owned a few houses and he kindly let me rent one.

I think i will go see my doctor and talk to him. He helped me alot last time i spoke to him.

Again, thank ypu for taking timebout to reply to me. It means alot to have kind support.

Bethie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi

Its ok. Go to a womens refuge. That is what they are there for. They are also safe so he will not be able to see or contact you. I went to quiet a few growing up with my mum and only have great memories of them. I'm no expert but it sounds like your close to breaking point atm. Trust your gut instinct.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear RavenM~

Having the space to think, and having practical stumbling blocks like finances and housing are problems many people in your situation have faced. I think talking to you doctor is a very good move, and I would think having a talk on our 24/7 Help Line to be steered towards the best services would be a good move too.

As you are starting to find out you are not alone

Croix