The right to be angry?

[ravenm]

Hi, im hoping for some emotional support as im going through a bit of a rough time in my head and i do not have anybody to talk to.

Im thinking to break up with my partner of 3 years and father to my youngest child. In fact I've been thinking to leave for one year, since i have moved back into his house. However I find it very difficult to actually leave because i worry about money and how i know how he gets nasty when things don't go his way. Also i do love him and do not wish to hurt him.

He has hurt me alot in the past, all to do with his drug use. He was not very supportive when my youngest was newborn, he'd be out few nights per week sometimes till 6am doing whatever drugs and i dont know what else. He promised me before baby was born he "wouldn't go out at all". I relied on him to at least be consistent (i had a newborn and a young child). I suggested he choose 2 or 3 days a week to have as his days to do whatever he likes but he could not stick to the chosen days for even one week.

I felt he was disrespecting me too much and did not care about me. I moved out into a rental house but after a few months i decided to give him another chance because i wanted the family to be together and he promised me a few things. Of course, after i moved back into his house, he broke the promises. Even though i made it very clear to him before, that i was putting all of my already broken trust in him again and i would be deeply hurt if he broke these promises. And when it did happen, and i expressed my sadness he groaned and told me i was making a big deal of nothing.

He continues today to smoke weed everyday, some days he smokes all day. This was one of the important to me promises he made me and broke. (He promised he'd smoke weed only a couple days per week) This leaves me with a partner who is either high or cranky and easily angered because its been too long since he had his weed. I have 2 young kids and i do not like any drug use in the home. He sometimes smokes in front of the kids or drives with them after he's just had weed. Both of which i can not accept.

Couples counselling we tried once but he lied a bit and that made me feel really upset. I do not wish to do that again.

I suppose more than anything i wish to hear that i have a right to be angry. Because surely relationships are supposed to have mutual trust, respect, honesty and communication?

I realise this is a minor problem but it has caused me alot of sadness and confusion.

Thanks for reading.

[BballJ]

Hi ravenm,

As Croix said above, I would be contacting the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 to discuss what your options are, don't forget they are 24/7. Your situation is something I am sure you will be able to find assistance on and speaking to your doctor is also a good idea.

Please, post back here as much as you like.

My best,

Jay

[ravenm]

Thank you all again, i will be calling the beyond blue helpline tomorrow when i can.

[White_Rose]

Hello Ravenm

It's a bit of a catch 22, can't go until you have money, can't get money until you go.

Your partner is very good at manipulation. Please do not discuss this with him again. Of course he wants you to stay. It's called having his cake and eating it as well. While he pays the rent you are keeping the home clean, cooking meals, shopping and looking after the children. In terms of contribution you do the most.

Please go to a refuge, this is what they are for. The dept of Housing have a loan scheme to help people get into rented accommodation. I think they lend you the bond and possibly some rent but not sure about the rent.

The refuge people will know all about these ways to help you which is another way to get out. I suggest you do not go to a caravan park as it will be far less secure. Take your children, clothes and anything else you value and go. No note to say where you have gone. Just go.

Those who tell you that you are splitting up the family are not living in your situation and have no idea of the damage being done to you and your children. Your job is to do what's best for your children and yourself. Your partner is responsible for himself.

Please go quickly before you lose the courage. This is for your children.

Mary

[ravenm]

Hi everyone! I have secured a rental property which i will move into on monday. I have decided not to tell him im moving out till after i have moved some of my things on Monday. I hate lying and i feel so guilty. This feels deceitful although i have talked to him that this will likely happen for over a year. Please i really need help with kind encouraging words through this phase.

Thank you for all your support x

[Summer Rose]

Hi Ravenm

I've been reading the posts and for what it's worth, you have a right to be angry and you are doing the right thing. Good on you!

The only thing I would like to add is a word of caution. The evidence shows that many men with a tendency towards anger do find "the woman" leaving as a trigger for further anger. I would like to ask you to think about how you are going to handle Monday if your partner gets angry and/or violent.

I think it would help you to have an exit strategy. I'm not an expert on this subject I encourage you to call your local police station or women's shelter for advice. At the very least, please consider having a friend or neighbour present when you tell your partner that you are leaving. It will be a very emotional time for everyone and even if he does keep his cool it may help you to have someone to lean on.

[White_Rose]

Hello Ravenm

It's good to hear you have made a decision to go and have somewhere to live. I admire your resolution to do this and move your family to a safer place.

My suggestion is not to leave him a note, just go. I think if you write you will be tempted to give him your address and phone number. Can I suggest you block him from your mobile phone and email. If you go, make it a total break.

Did you get any help from the women's refuge? It may be useful to talk to them and get some ideas on being safe. Good locks on your doors are essential. I don't know if he will try to find you but it's best to be prepared.

You are not lying, you just have not told him yet. Given his abuse of you I see no reason for you to feel guilty but I understand how he has manipulated you into a belief that you are always wrong. Not true but you must work on believing this. Also bear in mind that if he says he is going get custody of your children, which some people try to say as a way of frightening you into returning, remember he is unlikely to do this because of his drug habit. I suspect he may not have visiting rights for the same reason.

Not sure if I understand your comment, This feels deceitful although i have talked to him that this will likely happen for over a year. Are you thinking about going back in a year? Or have I missed the point? That would not surprise me. When you go please stop dreaming about a reunion and concentrate on making a home for your family. I know it will be hard so get as many resources as you can.

I presume you have the CentreLink angle organised or will do on Monday. It may be good to tell CentreLink about his drug habit as part of your reason for leaving.

As I said above, I do admire your determination to look after your children and yourself. It will be hard so continue to write in here for support. I hope all goes well on Monday.

Mary

[ravenm]

Hi Mary thanks for your reply. Oops , i meant i have told him numerous times in the past year that i will leave if his behaviour / habits continue. No plans of going back.

I have called centrelink and informed them of his habit and emotional abuse.I will organise the rest from Monday. Which is stressing me a bit as well.

Now i have told my partner i am planning on leaving and he has become so nice and hugging me etc which i never get from him normally. I think this makes me feel most guilty. Makes me wonder why now is he showing love and kindness?

[White_Rose]

Dear Ravenm

Whew, I'm glad to get that sorted out. I was really worrying about it.

CentreLink sorted, great stuff. I think you have said before you must be in your own place before applying for assistance from CentreLink. I hope all goes well there. I can understand you feeling stressed. Moving house on its own is stressful but combined with leaving your partner it is a huge amount more.

I think you know that if you told your partner you had changed your mind about leaving he would go straight back to his old ways. Being nice is a way of holding on to you and yes, making you feel guilty. I do know how that feels and it has taken a while to finally believe that I was being abused through no fault of mine. Please hold tight to that thought, you are not responsible for his lifestyle and actions.

Do you think he will try to contact you? If so I think it's a good idea to prepare for his comments. He has said before that he provides a roof over your head etc. Well he is no longer doing that and you certainly pulled your weight in the house. Making you feel guilty is the bully's way of managing a relationship. I left for that reason and wish I had done so earlier. But that's one of the regrets in my life and I have realised there's no point in revisiting could have, should have, would have. I learned that from my psych a short while again.

Do you have anyone helping you to move? I hope there is someone even if only to reassure you this is the best thing. Are you taking furniture or have you made other arrangements? You and your children need beds to sleep in at the very least.

I wish you all the best tomorrow. Hope you can manage without becoming too stressed. When you aready it would be good to hear how things go.

Mary