Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Bundymike need a little help [TRIGGER WARNING: domestic violence]
  • replies: 7

Hi, my wife and i separated because i was having an emotional affair with another woman,texting etc. this other lady is in a relationship with a narcissist who is treating her very badly, i developed feelings for her and it got a little physical , bu... View more

Hi, my wife and i separated because i was having an emotional affair with another woman,texting etc. this other lady is in a relationship with a narcissist who is treating her very badly, i developed feelings for her and it got a little physical , but now since my wife has left me , i have been pushed away except when he treats her badly, she will text me daily but it is usually for me to make her laugh and take her away from her own troubles(she says she is fine and other people have it worse), i have difficulty because in some messages she makes out like we are in a relationship (Carry me to bed? texts) and in other she makes it clear she just wants to be friends. I know she is using me to get through her daily life, but do i just cut her out of my life and try and focus on me or continue to try and help her get out of the situation she is in, i have to admit i want a relationship with her and try to be impartial. she keeps telling me how violent her partner can be if he finds out about our texts then he will kill her.(her words not mine), She continues to message me daily , so i dont understand why she thinks its not a problem for her to text with that sort of repercussion. It seems a cry for help, but am i just being used...I think so..8( My wife wants to get back together, it seems and i do love her but she has a lot of issues that caused me to look for happiness elsewhere in the first place, i dont want to resume our marriage and then be back where i am now in 2 years time. i dont know how to tell this person to leave me alone when she has no one else to turn to and i love being there for her, it makes me feel valued as a human being, and it makes me feel that if we are still talking there is hope for us. i know i am a fool.

T123 I'm unhappy in my relationship
  • replies: 1

Okay, this will be long. So I've been suffering from severe depression and anxiety for about 7-8 years now, and never thought I would be happy in life. But I ended up (finally) meeting someone 4 months ago now and I was over the moon. My depression f... View more

Okay, this will be long. So I've been suffering from severe depression and anxiety for about 7-8 years now, and never thought I would be happy in life. But I ended up (finally) meeting someone 4 months ago now and I was over the moon. My depression faded, but I noticed my anxiety skyrocket. My boyfriend was fully supportive of me with my mental health, but after about the month and a half point my boyfriend started to become easily agitated and would lash out at me when I was anxious. This, in turn, led to my depression slithering back into my life. He would yell at me in public, yell at me at home, yell at me in the car, whenever he thought I was being anxious or sad. I admit I hate conflict, so I usually end up getting emotional and then bottling up how I feel. Whenever I try to talk to him rationally whilst he's angry he shoots me down. I'm seeing a therapist and doing CBT and I'm trying very hard to get better but it's been months and months without any real progress. It feels like I'm going in circles. My boyfriend liked drugs and going out and excessively drinking before I met him, but he promised me no more drugs and less going out and getting smashed (of course I didn't mind every now and then). This lasted maybe a few weeks? He's done drugs since he promised to stop and ever since then I've felt differently about our relationship. We are also both in uni and value our education, but he goes out drinking in town on uni nights and doesn't get home until early morning just hours before he has to get up with no communication to me at all. This exact situation is occurring right now, he has been drinking since 8pm and it is currently 5:40am, he told me 4 hours ago he promised he was leaving town. His phone went flat about an hour ago and I have no idea if he's home or still out. I also have obsessive thoughts of him cheating on me, which makes my anxiety 150x worse and we've had fights about this numerously and I really hate myself for it. I've never really been into partying/going out drinking and I am very anti-drugs. But every time he slips up he promises not to do it again and he's sorry, but it just keeps happening. And lately I've been finding myself so unhappy it physically hurts, and I've told him this but it gets nowhere, and I love him too much to leave. He is a good guy but he's a bit full on. He says he loves me and never wants to lose me and I really love him a lot too but I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost and alone.

Kim1988 Boyfriend doesn’t sleep with me
  • replies: 7

Hi all. I don’t know if any of you have any advice for me on how to deal with this because I am feeling quite upset and despondent about it and would like some constructive advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months now. I just moved in with... View more

Hi all. I don’t know if any of you have any advice for me on how to deal with this because I am feeling quite upset and despondent about it and would like some constructive advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months now. I just moved in with him about a month ago. Before that we were doing long distance. He lives in Melbourne and I lived in Sydney. The main issue is that although we sleep in the same bed he’s never tried to sleep with me. For the first few months I thought maybe he’s just being a gentleman and didn’t want to pressure me into doing something before I’m ready to. I think that may still be the case. At least I hope so. I just am worried that it’s because he doesn’t find me sexually attractive. If he’s waiting for marriage that’s fine too. At least I know then it’s got nothing to do with me physically. It's really upsetting for me because he doesn’t lay a hand on me but he obviously has urges. He goes to sleep on the couch most nights because he does have sleep issues. He’ll start in the bed and then get up to sleep on the couch in the middle of the night. I do love him a lot and I do want to have sex with him but I don’t know how I can initiate it? Shouldn’t the guy initiate? How can I bring it up in a discussion that I’m ready to?

amraklve Feeling at an all time low.
  • replies: 3

To say I am lost is an understatement. I am currently engaged to a wonderful woman and have been for a few years now (I have been a bit slack and am waiting to divorce my ex wife...another story). Everything started off well. Fell madly in love then ... View more

To say I am lost is an understatement. I am currently engaged to a wonderful woman and have been for a few years now (I have been a bit slack and am waiting to divorce my ex wife...another story). Everything started off well. Fell madly in love then little things started to change. She moved to my home town to be with me but had to give up work due to a breakdown (very high stress government job). It was after this point she was diagnosed with GAD with OCD, Agoraphobic tendencies as well as Bi Polar 1 disorder. Things progressed downhill quite quickly until stabilized with medication. Since then we have taken on all of my children from my previous marriage due to Child Protection concerns. Life has been slowly getting on top of my current partner and I am at a loss on how best to support her. With two children from my previous marriage being of a special needs I believe that I have asked too much of my partner as she has taken over the homemaker roll. I am at an all time low. I believe very little of myself as I feel that I am making my partner worse. My children are depressed as they dont get the 'happy' mum they used to, and unfortunately they dont get the present father from me as I tend to hide away from the world believing that I am the cause of all issues.

Hang10 Finding my lost family.
  • replies: 1

Hi,i have quite an interesting life ones of ups and downs. Today I like to talk about my family. My father and his whole family have decided before I was born in the 70s that they didn’t want me to be born, as I was out of wedlock in a religious fami... View more

Hi,i have quite an interesting life ones of ups and downs. Today I like to talk about my family. My father and his whole family have decided before I was born in the 70s that they didn’t want me to be born, as I was out of wedlock in a religious family and a teenage pregnancy. It got to the stage where a priest of this religious family tried to talk my mother to have an abortion and even offered money for a holiday. Thankfully my mother had me. Some agreement today which I not fully shore off still today had allowed my father and his family to have no connections or financial support of me at all. This meant no name of my father on my birth certificate and having my mother’s maiden name. 35 years later I met my father for the first time. It was very hard as I was keep a secret and his other 3 children and maybe his wife didn’t know I existed plus Aunty and uncles. My father who I have in my life now for 3 years. Is still quite distance and I find it hard to just forget the past. His children are very successful and have achieved so much. I had come from harder backgrounds of step family’s, countless family breakdowns and intense dramas and dealing with Autism and delays to achieve things that other achieve more earlier. i only got my mum and my girlfriend in my family. I have a step brother who I class as a brother but he been affected with drugs and have had his child taken by Docs. I don’t have much of a communication with him. My nan and pop pasted away 10 years plus and they were the rock of my family. My mother had got brothers and sisters but only half and they also don’t treat her as family so they also abandoned us many years ago. I was hoping to get close to my dad and his family but sadly feel that my life and upbringing is too much for him or not to the level he sees as good in his eye. I feel that no matter what I do it not be good enough. I feel like I can’t reach the heights that makes him proud of me.

NotTheMama My fiance no longer wants to have a child with me
  • replies: 2

My fiance is a father to a beautiful 8 year old who he had with an ex of his (they accidentally became pregnant 3 months into the relationship). He tried his best to stay in the relationship but it ended bitterly with his ex physically taking the chi... View more

My fiance is a father to a beautiful 8 year old who he had with an ex of his (they accidentally became pregnant 3 months into the relationship). He tried his best to stay in the relationship but it ended bitterly with his ex physically taking the child 7 hrs drive away, taking the house and placing him in debt. We met 4 years after the relationship with his ex ended and we fell for each other very quickly. Within three months we were talking about our future together and I said I wanted to have a child with him to which he responded that he could see himself having a child with me. After another year and a half of an incredible, loving, healthy, trusting relationship he sat me down and said he wanted to have a child with me. He proposed three days later and we decided to get married first and then start trying on the wedding night. It has now been 6 months since then and he has changed his mind about a child. He loves being a father but has shame and fear as a result of the past. I'm trying really hard to love the idea of freedom and money and being child free. But I just have to see a couple with a young child and I'm balling. I feel: - grief for the mother I'll probably never be - anger that he changed his mind and he gets to be a parent and he's asking me not to be - jealousy that he gets to be the one his child will turn to when things are bad or good; he may be a grandparent one day and I'll never have that - despair because he's changed his mind back and forth so much and I have no control over it - worthless because I have an irrational thought that he doesn't love me enough I'd just turned 33 when we met and I'm now not far off 36.. So, to add to the despair, the clock is ticking. He is the same age. This has impacted my personal life for months now and it is starting to affect my job. He and I are both seeing a counsellor and we have our first relationship counselling session coming up. He's been nasty and uncommunicative since seeing his counsellor which worries me. You see, we actually really do love eachother very very much and want to be together. This is why we're fighting so hard for it. Any advice or words or help would be appreciated. Has anyone been in this same situation and what did you do?

Tiger04 I don’t know what to do
  • replies: 1

My husband and I have been going through a horrible 5 months. But I have been unhappy for 2+ years. It was a lot of things adding up over time then we moved states for his work where I left my whole family behind. He (to me) wasn’t very understanding... View more

My husband and I have been going through a horrible 5 months. But I have been unhappy for 2+ years. It was a lot of things adding up over time then we moved states for his work where I left my whole family behind. He (to me) wasn’t very understanding. He knew I was upset sure, but to him it was like oh well you’ll get over it. It took a good 6+ months to get out of my funk. In that time we were arguing a lot because we weren’t helping each other enough. One day he got angry and screamed at me to F off back home and grabbed me and literally threw me outside telling me to leave. Ever since then I’ve wanted to leave him. I was just going with the motions really. Fast forward to last year and my dad got really sick and ended up passing away. My husband was supportive in that he took time off work so I could go back home to say goodbye and plan the funeral for my father. When I got back he kept talking about the money my dad left behind (it wasn’t much) and that oh the money will be good for HIS business..... when I said he’s not having it he chucked a tantrum and called me a b*tch. He put the money into his business. I was too upset to argue. Not long after that, with his business and day to day job I became non existent to him. Any time I tried to talk too him he didn’t even know I was there. When I wanted to spend the weekend together as a family, he was working or just didn’t want too. Not once (apart from when I just came back from my hometown) did he ask if I was ok or even just do small things to comfort me. I’m not the type of person to go and cry in someone’s arms when I’m upset and he knows that. He also made a female friend (according to both of them nothing happened) and he started going out with her every weekend drinking. She started calling at 2am to be saved. He nearly followed her to another state because she was running away from her problems. He says I never brought up my problems with that whole situation, except I did, he just never listened to me. Then I stupidly had had enough and I cheated. He found out and it’s been a rough, tumultuous 5 months. He was angry which is understandable and I admit my actions were absolutely wrong and not the answer and I have no excuse. He became violent as well though and although he’s never hit me, he has grabbed me, pushed me down, screamed in my face, broken things (tv, shower screen, holes in walls) and our children have been witness which is even worse. I’m done now. I want out!

Gor Lost Dad
  • replies: 3

I will begin by apologising if this is a bit rambling. I've never done this sort of thing before but I'll give it my best shot... I have three kids (one is older and has left home, 16 and 10). When I first became a father I loved it to no end. I was ... View more

I will begin by apologising if this is a bit rambling. I've never done this sort of thing before but I'll give it my best shot... I have three kids (one is older and has left home, 16 and 10). When I first became a father I loved it to no end. I was fully involved, enthusiastic, loving every minute of it and so hopeful for the future. This has changed in recent years where I'm feeling discouraged, disconnected and almost lonely in a way. Whereas we used to do all sorts of things together, my sons now only seem to be interested in video games when we're at home and I feel like it's a real struggle to get them to do anything with me these days. A day can easily go by without saying much to each other other than me telling them to get ready for school or a chore isn't done right. We're always fighting about chores and it's really starting to affect the relationship with them and also my wife. Even small things seem to set me off these days and I'm tired of it. I know my family are too... I know some of it has to do with my job. I'm now running an office on my own that used to have two other employees so I feel like the world's weight is on my shoulders at work. You'd think I'd look forward to getting away from the office and to going home to be with my family but it just doesn't seem to be that way lately. I really feel like there is a toxic environment at home and I'm just feeling a little lost as to try and figure out a way to turn things around... Any advice would help. Thanks for listening.

Guest_598 Emotional affair?
  • replies: 16

Hi All, Last year,my husband and I went through a rough patch because his female colleague was quite sexually explicit and he didn't like my response to hearing things - potentially out of context. At the time,it caused me huge trust issues especiall... View more

Hi All, Last year,my husband and I went through a rough patch because his female colleague was quite sexually explicit and he didn't like my response to hearing things - potentially out of context. At the time,it caused me huge trust issues especially because he was criticising me and society for being so stringent about only having one partner once you marry etc. He later confirmed that he didn't mean what he said and that he just blurted things out while being emotional. But the damage to me self-confidence was done,especially because he is still in touch with that woman. She left the company but now,instead of moving interstate, separated from her husband with whom she has had issues for some time. We have had many conversations about my trouble to deal with my insecurities since then and I believe fully that there is nothing physical between them. I also believe that he truly loves me. But despite how often he tells me,I cannot shake my concern that he may build an emotional bond with her. Back when it was heated,I asked him to remove her from facebook which he did. I was never a jealous woman but since then I am worried about everything and feel I cannot get back to trusting him. Especially because he lied to me back then and said he was not talking to her, but then I saw the comments. Now I found out that he has her added on Google Hangouts. I did not know Hangouts existed but casually asked him whether he knew it. He said yes but when I asked whether he was using it,he said no. Then I saw that he had been checking it at 11 pm the night before. Afterwards he googled what to do when your wife doesn't want kids but you do which is something that has come up recently. So I'm scared that he has created that secret bond with this other woman who has a little son he likes. Today,I told him that I am concerned that he is building an emotional connection with her and he said that that's definitely not the case and that he just likes the professional exchange with her. But why would he create an account in google hangouts just for one contact,her?doesn't that mean there is a bit more of a special desire to stay in touch even if it's non-physical. I told him I don't like all the secrecy because if she is like any other friend,why can't we talk openly? He says he is now so afraid of my negative reaction when we talk about her that he doesn't feel comfortable mentioning her. I tried to explain that honesty and transparency would remove the problem

bellaheart WHY do I attract losers?!
  • replies: 18

Hi I am here to vent! I hope that is ok? I hooked up with a guy last Easter. That was all it was meant to be! He has no job, no licence, no car, no friends, no pets, no kids.....nothing other than a horrid ex housing trust house that he owns...oh and... View more

Hi I am here to vent! I hope that is ok? I hooked up with a guy last Easter. That was all it was meant to be! He has no job, no licence, no car, no friends, no pets, no kids.....nothing other than a horrid ex housing trust house that he owns...oh and his obsession with playing his guitar (very badly I might add). Meanwhile I am a successful woman with a great job and a lovely house and a darling child. I know...I can see it already just typing this! He very quickly infiltrated my life....he would never meet my friends...I never met his (as he doesn't have any)....I think all he does all day is play his guitar and play with himself?! He got angry right off that I was on RSVP....omg that was my red flag that I IGNORED?! Long story short I dumped him many a time and he would keep crawling back....it got to the point where I couldn't stand his bogan way of speaking and his constant interruptions and condescending manner (whenever I was driving somewhere he would act like the back seat driver...he has never even driven a car?? He is 41??). Yesterday I finally found the guts to dump him 100%. He had been ridiculing my son and nobody does that! He was coming over here; getting lovely meals (and his rocks off; which incidentally I NEVER did?!)..I spent hours (of my rare free time) working on his cv etc as he was apparently applying for jobs on Monday. I asked him Monday pm how the job apps went..he replied "I didn't do that I have been working on a new song"?! The appalling thing is that he texted me saying he has been totally miserable since seeing me?! I told him 'I would be miserable too if I had nothing to do all day'!! I know this may all sound really asinine but I am so furious..at myself! For tolerating him for even five minutes! I am on medication for anxiety as I have had a very traumatic life...this whole thing just makes me so mad at myself!! He is not the first guy I have wasted time on...my history is full of them!! I will not let this guy make me feel bad. I just don't get why these these type of guys all flock to me I am a very caring and compassionate person (maybe that is why?) when it comes to children and animals! Not so called 'men' in their forties who are obviously lacking in every aspect??? sorry for the rant BH