I feel my depression and anxiety overwhelms my own decision making

[PapaTez]

I used have an ice addiction before I became clean since then I've kept to myself and always feel like I want to be left alone even from my own children. Recently I felt emotionally upset when one of my youngest daughters who's 7 yrs old wanted to play I froze at that moment like if I didn't wanted to do anything, even when she started passing her dolls to me as if she tried to get my attention at that time to participate I have always played dolls and princess's with my baby girls even when my older girls were little I was always wanted involved. At that time when I felt I froze I started getting flashbacks about my own childhood I never had my parents around as my biological parents were and still are drug addicts to this day the things that I've endured I was neglected mainly from my mum, violently abuse especially from my biological father my older brother suffered the same as I was growing up I was what nearly all people call a loose cannon, feral, rebellious or delinquent I used to always get into trouble in school and with police and ending up juvenile institutions and detention, I remember I punch another kid in the face in school because he teased because I refused to make a mothers day card which the whole class was tasked with I remember he said "haha you got no mummy" and threw a rubber/eraser at me which some other kids started laughing at me so I retaliated and I got suspended when I went back 2 weeks later I found out the other kid never got detention as I found out through some classmates, because throwing things at other students in class was automatic detention I think of it now that's how my feelings towards authority while growing up began I don't know if that's how you put it but I started becoming belligerent at that time as years went by I went to drugs I fell in love and having children of my own with different partners which I don't want to go into details but I struggles to maintain my own relationships and I wanted and I needed to give my kids the unconditional love but I feel like my past I one of the reasons that makes me hesitate and don't wanna do anything I take antidepressants medication but sometimes I don't take them I feel like I sometimes want to lock myself up in a room or isolate myself from everyone but I have tried to fight it sometimes I break down and been thinking about making it up to my kids for the lost time I have been practicing in my head of what I'm going to do next time my kids want to spend time with me.

[white knight]

Hi Papatez, welcome

When we search our past, things like any addictions or meds can, I believe effect the performance of our mind. Also check with your GP for the effects of going on and off your AD's, thats not good for the mind.

Sometimes kids will just keep playing as long as you are there. I wouldnt judge your fatherhood based on hiccups of your mind. Just writing in here tells me what a kind and loving father you are.

Life can be full of regrets. You mentioned having kids to different mothers. Thats in the past, no good beating yourself up about it. Stand tall, your first words here was that you "WERE an ice addict, you beat it man, well done.

Children are resilient. They will adapt to where parents are deficient. With age we also are less prone to play with children.

You are their father. Your love for them means everything. Enjoy them and continue being yourself.

Its all ok. Your flaws are ok. You are a survivor.....and a bloody good dad.

Tony WK

[Jacko777]

G'day PapaTez,

Mate, I am so proud of you.

You have come so far, you have been through a lot. That was yesterday. You now are seeing your opportunity to grasp every moment and make it positive, filled with happiness, calmness and love.

I am so sorry to hear about these negative events in your past, it's not surprising that you would feel unhappy, depressed and angry. These events were out of your control and I am guessing you weren't offered any support to respond appropriately, you self medicated to treat your depression and I would never ever judge you on that, you aint' alone there.

What helps me is to have a very clear Recovery Plan, I need to know exactly what I am treating and how. Various aspects of my thinking have been affected by my past events, I want to be aware of this in each moment, takes practice. Meditation has helped me heaps to train the brain to focus and be calm, I think you would benefit greatly from it, it will help you with those moments when you freeze, it will give you the space to respond as you truly believe you should. My Recovery Plan, it includes practices suggested by psychologists, it also includes Rage Against The Machine, rock crawling in a 4WD on the side of a mountain, it's MY plan. Make a plan Yours, own it, run it hard, get off the roller coaster, don't ever give up, you've got this.

Now, kick back, have a think about how far you have come, how good you have been to make huge changes in your life, you did it brother, you can do it, you won't be defined by your past. Take satisfaction, daily, even for the smallest victories.

Keep us posted. All the best, Jack.