I feel my depression and anxiety overwhelms my own decision making
Hi Papatez, welcome
When we search our past, things like any addictions or meds can, I believe effect the performance of our mind. Also check with your GP for the effects of going on and off your AD's, thats not good for the mind.
Sometimes kids will just keep playing as long as you are there. I wouldnt judge your fatherhood based on hiccups of your mind. Just writing in here tells me what a kind and loving father you are.
Life can be full of regrets. You mentioned having kids to different mothers. Thats in the past, no good beating yourself up about it. Stand tall, your first words here was that you "WERE an ice addict, you beat it man, well done.
Children are resilient. They will adapt to where parents are deficient. With age we also are less prone to play with children.
You are their father. Your love for them means everything. Enjoy them and continue being yourself.
Its all ok. Your flaws are ok. You are a survivor.....and a bloody good dad.
Mate, I am so proud of you.
You have come so far, you have been through a lot. That was yesterday. You now are seeing your opportunity to grasp every moment and make it positive, filled with happiness, calmness and love.
I am so sorry to hear about these negative events in your past, it's not surprising that you would feel unhappy, depressed and angry. These events were out of your control and I am guessing you weren't offered any support to respond appropriately, you self medicated to treat your depression and I would never ever judge you on that, you aint' alone there.
What helps me is to have a very clear Recovery Plan, I need to know exactly what I am treating and how. Various aspects of my thinking have been affected by my past events, I want to be aware of this in each moment, takes practice. Meditation has helped me heaps to train the brain to focus and be calm, I think you would benefit greatly from it, it will help you with those moments when you freeze, it will give you the space to respond as you truly believe you should. My Recovery Plan, it includes practices suggested by psychologists, it also includes Rage Against The Machine, rock crawling in a 4WD on the side of a mountain, it's MY plan. Make a plan Yours, own it, run it hard, get off the roller coaster, don't ever give up, you've got this.
Now, kick back, have a think about how far you have come, how good you have been to make huge changes in your life, you did it brother, you can do it, you won't be defined by your past. Take satisfaction, daily, even for the smallest victories.
Keep us posted. All the best, Jack.