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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

DiamondJimbo helping or hurting?
  • replies: 9

Hi, I have a question that I am finding challenging, and wonder if you could provide some perspective. In essence, my wife has been explicit about feeling depressed, unmotivated, tired, and completely unengaged with life, work and everything. She hav... View more

Hi, I have a question that I am finding challenging, and wonder if you could provide some perspective. In essence, my wife has been explicit about feeling depressed, unmotivated, tired, and completely unengaged with life, work and everything. She have a deep sadness and lethargy and expresses a desire to check out of it all, not go to work, etc. I know that it is legitimate, and encourage her to get professional help, which she soon will. Here’s the tricky part: She's said that things I have recently said have caused or contributed. I believe I've done nothing 'wrong' but have expressed 'big' issues recently. After many years of marriage, and not being explicit about my wants and needs, I've recently expressed my own desires: for greater and more varied physical intimacy, and more explicitly stating that changing our sexual relationship is important to me. I am choosing to enhance this aspect of my life and relationship more honestly and open. I invite her to express her wants and needs (even if “none at all”), also honestly, so that we can actually communicate about this stuff rather than guess. These discussions seem to have led to her current state. I have not delivered these angrily, but I have made it clear that enhanced sexual life is now something I want. Again, I can and will discuss how/how much she desires, too. If she doesn’t want more/different, and can’t meet my desire, then I'll talk to her about how we can compromise for mutual happiness. If she is unwilling to compromise, then I'll consider what other means are available. It's not an ultimatum, but you can see if she is unwilling to change at all, then I am forced to either quell my desires for a fulfilling life entirely, or radically alter our marriage (divorce, or me going outside of it). To complicate things, she often suffers from UTI’s after sex, and we can’t find any way to completely avoid or prevent these; they are very painful for her, and I understand and acknowledge that. I think the ‘rock and hard place’ nature of all this manifests as depression. It’s definitely not easy for me either. After all that, my question is: how can I talk to her, help her, and support her — when (at least from her perspective, it seems), me and my needs are the very cause of the problem in the first place? How do you 'communicate' -- critical to successful marriage -- when the very communication itself is the cause of the problem? Thanks for any perspective you can provide.

SomewhereElse My brother in law was sentenced yesterday...how do I support my sister?
  • replies: 2

My brother in law was sentenced yesterday. The sentence is >2 years. He grew up in Australia since he was a child but never changed his citizenship to Australian (due to dual citizenship restrictions from the other country). Because of new laws intro... View more

My brother in law was sentenced yesterday. The sentence is >2 years. He grew up in Australia since he was a child but never changed his citizenship to Australian (due to dual citizenship restrictions from the other country). Because of new laws introduced in 2014 he is now likely to face deportation. My sister is in a lot of pain. She doesn't want to talk and I respect that. It is all very new. They have 2 young kids. The future for their family is bleak. I have supported her the best I can so far helping her with resumes so she can reenter the workforce. She has a low paying job but she is getting by financially... just. Things will be harder now my brother in laws income is gone (he was doing warehouse work). I just feel so helpless. I'm also really sad for her. What is the best thing to do? Do I leave her a few days and give her space and time? How else can I help? I sent her an sms and said that I love her and we are in this together but I know she is carrying the most weight of what's happening. The kids are so young and she is trying to hold up a brave face but I know she must be in agony. I also told her there was no need to call back and I am here if she wants to talk. During the trial lots of people were calling her and she'd organised her partner's mum to pick up her daughter from school and she forgot. So that meant the school was calling her. I just thought she could use a break from the phone and have some time to herself. I just don't want her to feel she is alone. It's so unfair. She did nothing wrong but now will suffer the rest of her life from this. Even if time is served, he may not be able to return to the family. We don't know the future but it is certainly looking bleak right now.

KatJD My husband told me he's not in love with me anymore.
  • replies: 4

I'm unsure where to start..... For months I've felt like my husband didn't think I exsisted ​and wouldn't show any affection towards me so I kept asking him if he's ok, which he'd always respond with yes all is good. Last week after telling him I can... View more

I'm unsure where to start..... For months I've felt like my husband didn't think I exsisted ​and wouldn't show any affection towards me so I kept asking him if he's ok, which he'd always respond with yes all is good. Last week after telling him I can't keep going on like this with him being so distant he finally told me his feelings for me aren't as strong anymore and he doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship anymore and I deserve someone better. I'm so confused because he's still here, still sleeping in our bed, giving me a kiss on the forehead and saying he loves me before work every morning. I keep telling him I'm not giving up on him and he always responds with he's not a good man and I deserve better than him. I don't know what to do as he says he loves and cares for me but he's not as in love with me but he doesn't want to push anything. I'm getting so many mixed messages from him and I've been miserable to the point where I just want to hide and disappear. I just want the pain of it all to stop.

james1 UPDATED: My first post here - don't know what to do
  • replies: 15

Hello, I’m really confused right now and I don’t know where to start, so I’ll try to see if I can at least make sense. About a month and a half ago, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. It had been very rocky for the previous 4 months, so it wa... View more

Hello, I’m really confused right now and I don’t know where to start, so I’ll try to see if I can at least make sense. About a month and a half ago, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. It had been very rocky for the previous 4 months, so it wasn’t unexpected. We’d tried talking a lot of this through but if I’m honest with myself, I thought I tried my best but really didn’t. My only excuse is that I was studying and working full time, so with 4 hours of sleep a night, my head wasn’t quite screwed on. She said she still loved me but wasn’t in love with me and thought we just needed time apart and she wanted space. Since then, I’ve been seeing a psychologist about issues I had in my childhood and while my psychologist doesn’t want to start giving me labels, it’s clear that I do have some personality issues, and recently the whole fear of abandonment has kicked in. I’ve tried contacting my ex a few times (more than I’d like) and in some instances she’s replied, in others she hasn’t. I know she cares, but it’s pretty clear that she wants me out of her life right now. I know what I need to do and that’s to get better and keep seeing my psychologist. The tough thing is the only motivation I have that maybe my ex will be willing to meet up after I’m better. In my head, I know we were a really good couple but I really needed to deal with my childhood ghosts earlier. But I also know I could just be setting myself up for disappointment in the future, but I really feel no other reason to get better. I’m very confused and I feel like I’m just watching myself wander around aimlessly, but I don’t really care either.

IAmJonDavid My girlfriend loves me but left me. I feel sad and alone.
  • replies: 5

Hello, The love of my life and best thing that has ever happened to me left me last week. Her reasons were she has some stuff going on mentally and needs to work on herself(past issues). I completely understand that, what I don't understand is the fa... View more

Hello, The love of my life and best thing that has ever happened to me left me last week. Her reasons were she has some stuff going on mentally and needs to work on herself(past issues). I completely understand that, what I don't understand is the fact she still loves me (but not enough to keep going). Im finding living really hard right now and not being able to communicate with her (we just started 2 weeks of no communication, hardest thing I've ever done).. she said she loves me but doesn't know how she feels and now I wait in hope that she comes back and we build a life together. I'm just so lost and alone, I get trapped in my thoughts of what if she doesn't come back, what if I could never hold her hand again.. im just really struggling, it's affecting my work and my study and I just feel alone :(...everywhere I turn I see her. I love her. I miss her. if any one has ideas or techniques I'd be really thankful. Regards, Jon I hope it makes sense I generally start to cry when talking about the issue

Firefly1 Over a year has passed, and the pain still feels as sharp as if it was yesterday...
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, Just over a year ago my first relationship of 2 1/2 yrs came to an end. I am still grappling with the feeling of loss and pain that this caused me. Her asking to leave was a complete surprise and I was in no way unhappy with her or our l... View more

Hi everyone, Just over a year ago my first relationship of 2 1/2 yrs came to an end. I am still grappling with the feeling of loss and pain that this caused me. Her asking to leave was a complete surprise and I was in no way unhappy with her or our life together. During the time that we were together, her mother passed away at 53 from cancer. I feel like I felt that loss alongside her and that her loss was mine as well. Just recently, her mother's former fiancee sent me a letter with a picture of us together. Unbeknownst to him, that arrived on the anniversary of the breakup. Then he told me about her grandmother's funeral not a week past. Against my rational judgement, I felt obliged to go since I was informed. Now all the hurt and pain and loss is refreshed and sometimes it is difficult to leave the house. It felt so hard at the time to pursue this girl, and now that it is over, I don't know if I have the strength to start again. I feel alone and hopeless, and of the few friends that I do have, quite a few are shared friends. This makes it even harder because I am constantly hearing about her. I cannot relinquish the thoughts of her and would even have her back under the right circumstances. Unfortunately, she has become a born-again, rather evangelical Christian and that hurts even more because I don't want to have to deal with that. Finally, she expects to be able to talk to me as friends, and I don't think that I will ever accept that level of relationship with her. Sorry if this is a mess, but whenever I think about this everything is turned about.

Leisha Family Falling Apart
  • replies: 9

Hi, In February this year my younger brother cut myself and my parents off from his life and his familys life (2 little kids) for no real reason. My brother had decided that he never wanted to see my Dad again. He made that clear to me, and to my mum... View more

Hi, In February this year my younger brother cut myself and my parents off from his life and his familys life (2 little kids) for no real reason. My brother had decided that he never wanted to see my Dad again. He made that clear to me, and to my mum. He didn't have the guts to confront my Dad. He claimed it was because my Dad was angry, negative and rude around him and his children. He claimed it was because of a huge fight that he and Dad had over 10yrs ago. He claimed a lot of reasons for it. They didn't make any sense. I understood he was upset with my Dad and growing up wasn't easy, he wasn't around. He wasn't perfect but what parent is?! But my brother was so angry, and his wife had always hated our Dad from day one, so they had made there mind up about him. My mother went to my brother and begged him to change his mind, told him it would kill my Dad not to see his son and grandchildren again. He wouldn't listen, he told her to leave my Dad. She said she wouldn't. He said she could see the kids in secret but Dad would never see the kids again. He kicked Mum out of his house and left her standing in the street crying waiting for a cab. When I found out what my brother had done to my mum I was angry, I asked him if there was another reason for this? I begged that Dad had to beable to see him and the kids, it wasn't fair. He didn't want to listen he said Dad would never see the kids again for the rest of his life. He said he had his own family he had to protect. It was bizarre. It is now late July and my parents are not coping. My Dad has been told he could have a stroke any minute, they have both put on weight, drink a hell of a lot, cry everyday and talk about not having anything to live for. My mum won't see the kids without Dad. They are alone in another state with no other support, they are in there 60s, they had planned to retire soon to spend time with there grandchildren. My brother has moved we don't know where (we know what state is all) they are devastated. I live in another state and I feel useless, I can't believe this is happening, for no real reason. It's heart breaking not just for my parents but for the kids too, and I don't know how to deal with this, I just pretend I am ok so they can't hear my pain. I feel guilty that I haven't given them grandchildren yet, I feel like I need to get pregnant tomorrow. It's awful the pain my parents/grandmother/entire family (virtually we are a small family) are feeling. How do I/we cope?

blink-- Heartbreak. ***trigger warning
  • replies: 11

So for quite a while me and my boyfriends relationship hasn't been very steady. He works a lot and so doesn't see me very much, not long ago I broke up with him because of it but now we're back together. He says he wants to take things slow (not tell... View more

So for quite a while me and my boyfriends relationship hasn't been very steady. He works a lot and so doesn't see me very much, not long ago I broke up with him because of it but now we're back together. He says he wants to take things slow (not telling his parents about us or taking me to family events etc) and I'm trying so hard to be patient but it's killing me. A lot of the reason he wants to take it slow is because he's upset at me moving on in times when we've broken up but it was so long ago why can't he just forgive me? I'm struggling to be intimate because of things in the past, consensual and non consensual. I just feel so dirty for anyone ever touching me other than him so my self worth is incredibly low and then him needing time before he actually treats me like a proper girlfriend is making it even harder. I'm trying so hard to be patient and understanding so he can heal but I feel like nothing and I deserve nothing but misery. I can't even deal with reality all I do is sleep. I almost feel as if I deserve everything that happened to me because I'm nothing but the girl on the side that you can use and who's answer no doesn't mean anything. We've been together in and off for about 6.5 years I don't know what to do anymore

themadchatter Used and tossed aside
  • replies: 24

A couple of years ago I was on Facebook and one of my female cousins had a friend who I'll call TC short for her name. I saw her profile pic and instantly found her to be exceptionally beautiful. At the time she was on again off again with her partne... View more

A couple of years ago I was on Facebook and one of my female cousins had a friend who I'll call TC short for her name. I saw her profile pic and instantly found her to be exceptionally beautiful. At the time she was on again off again with her partner and was pregnant with his child so I never got the opportunity to meet her or take her on a date. I then moved away from Adelaide to Sydney for 18 months. I relocated back to Adelaide on the 3rd of June. Since I have been back I have asked if she would be interested in meeting up and she expressed interest in doing so. About two weeks ago on the 8th of July she rings me up at about between 11pm and 12am drunk and somewhat scared because where she lives there are multiple units and some guys that live in the other units had propositioned her and it freaked her out. She called me because she had no one else to turn to and I wanted to be there for her to show her I care. I spent the night sleeping next to her nothing seedy happened. I've liked this girl and I thought this might be a way to show her who I am not from chatting online. Anyway the next day I go home and get a message saying she just wants to be friends and how she is happier being single and looking after her little boy than to have someone in her life. I say I understand...even though it's not what I want. But I felt she has already made up her mind. Since that happened some of her other support network friends severed their relationship and I was resolved to offering too help her out whenever she needed it..was bending over backward so much just to show her I cared and liked her and wanted to be there for her and her son...his father doesn't want anything to do with him anymore..anyway fast forward to tonight..she posts a pic of herself on facebook cosied up to some other guy despite saying she was happier being single. That hurt a lot. I would have done everything in my power to make her happy and feel cared for and this is what I get..not even a chance at all

KJB72 Family don't get it
  • replies: 2

Hello, I'm writing as I'm so very confused. I was diagnosed in 2013 with GAD and borderline depression due to 21 year marriage breakup. After counselling and time I recovered enough that I stopped having anxiety attacks, I was able to cope with every... View more

Hello, I'm writing as I'm so very confused. I was diagnosed in 2013 with GAD and borderline depression due to 21 year marriage breakup. After counselling and time I recovered enough that I stopped having anxiety attacks, I was able to cope with everyday life. Until this year. I had a big move with relocating and changing jobs. I returned to nursing after 8 years away. So, having to settle a child into a new school, as well as re-learn my profession I have struggled to keep anxiety at bay. My sisters ambushed me in May of this year...well, as you can imagine that ended well...huge anxiety attack, and that has made me avoid them completely. I have a very supportive partner who is completely aware of my anxiety and encourages me to see the counsellor. But, my family don't get it. They say I shouldn't listen to someone I barley know (meaning my partner, we've been together 18 months), I should just get over it or take medication. When I have bad days and feel depressed I'm told I'm looking for attention, when I apologise for seeming that way, I'm also seen to be extending on that. I feel as though I'm the black sheep of the family, but, once again I told to get over it, there are people worse off, people are busy, it's not all about me etc. I understand this. In the last two weeks my anxiety is getting worse, I second guess everything, about work and home. The one time I called my mother to talk myself down I was dismissed, within 5 minutes of calling. They dont believe I have made the right decision to move, begin my career (that I love) and they don't like (but they don't know him) my partner, all because he encourages me to be happy with my decisions, to be strong and not afraid of taking a chance. No one from my family has contacted me since that day of being told I'm attention seeking to see if I'm alright, no text messages, emails etc. The only one that is truly happy for me in a new relationship is my ex husband, we have a good relationship now. My kids are happy 22,19 & 11 year olds, it's only my 11 year old that I'm in care of now, the boys have grown up and left home. Im so angry at them but also so very sad. Nothing I try to explain about this gets through to them. Am I doing the wrong thing by cutting them out of my life to a degree? I want to be happy and feel I can't while this is playing in my head.