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No job. No friends. No life. Please help.

Ember
Community Member
For all of my young adult life, whilst everyone else was enjoying this fun time with their friends and going out, I have been locked away in my room. It has been many years, and each day is the same. At university I made no friends and it was one of the loneliest experiences of my life.

When it was over, I failed to find a job because I have no experience, no people skills and was noticeably incredibly nervous during my interviews. Everyone wants a "bubbly, enthusiastic, motivated person" and even when I try to fake it, they can immediately tell I'm not. I also couldn't approach workplaces with my CV because I'm terrified of interacting with people. I remember sitting on the bench outside of one trying to work up the courage, but my feet wouldn't move. I wished I had a support person, but I was alone as always.

So with no job, financially I had to move back in with my parents and there are even less opportunities here. I'm completely isolated. My only company is my parents and I try to avoid them because every time I see them, it reminds me of my failings and how I have been such a horrible child to them. I hate myself every day and feel like a bad person because I have never done enough for them/let them down and I am still unable to forgive myself.

During High School, I was relatively normal and happy. I had a group of friends and we did everything together. But I have yet to find that in the real world since. I tried going to meetup groups but it was hard going by myself. I wished I knew at least one other person. Plus, there was never anyone my age there. It seems like any interests I have attract only middle aged and elderly people. I have nothing against them, but I just wish I had friends my own age that I can connect with.I guess they only go to bar crawls and drinking nights, which I am not interested in.

I feel like I have no one. I used to cry every day but now I just feel a numb level of acceptance. It has been so many years since I had a face to face real conversation with someone. Every year that it doesn't happen, it gets worse. So here I am looking online for something at least close to human interaction.

I don't know how to get out of this hole. I can't find a job. I can't find friends. I can't even talk to people. I feel so empty and like things will never change. I don't know how to get out of this hole. I'm starting to lose the motivation to even try any more. My situation is depressing, but it's also comfortable and easy.
3 Replies 3

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Ember~

I'd like to welcome you. Your post gives pretty clear picture of your life and shows how hard things can be even in a 'comfortable' lifestyle.

Crying every day and now being numb. Blaming yourself for your childhood, fear of being with others. All this strikes me not only as a horrible way to be but also something for which professional support could be needed. Do you mind if I ask if you have been to see your doctor and are under treatment? As someone with anxiety and other problems I found I simply got worse until I had competent ongoing medical help.

Trying to get out and be comfortable with others is hard at the best of times and so far a simple desire to meet others, being lonely, has not been enough to get you through.

Can I suggest an alternative approach? Look for a need you can meet, and use that to get you in to a social situation. Volunteering is an excellent way to do this.

For a start normally there is no big interview with CVs etc. You do not have to work at it full time, generally the people involved tend to be appreciative and supportive and most importantly you are doing something that is important and useful in its own right. It can be anything from meals-on-wheels to telling stories in a hospital to washing plastic money-box dogs to ... well your imagination and the local library will uncover tons of opportunities.

Interacting here on line is fine, and you are going to be able to do so as often and as long as you like, there are many interesting and experienced people here.

Things do change

Croix

Ember
Community Member
Thank you for the thoughtful reply, and your welcome. Years ago, I did seek help from a professional. He suggested CBT and antidepressants. I took the antidepressants and went back to uni, but they seemed to not have any effect, good or bad. No noticeable side effects even, like I was taking a placebo.

My doctor suggested that to start leaving my room I had to start off small and work up to social situations. I started by going for walks, which didn't help because I got bored during the walk and was stuck with my negative thoughts. If there were people around during the walk, I would feel like everyone was staring at me. Even if a car went past, it's like I could feel the driver's eyes on me. In reality, I know no one cares that much about me, but it's just a paranoid feeling I guess. I couldn't wait to be back in the safety of my room. After that, I tried going to meetup groups which as you read, didn't work out so well. Then I kind of just gave up.

Regarding volunteering, I am scared of settling down here in my hometown too much. I have so little quality of life here. I am trying every day to find a way to move out but I have no connections. I apply to jobs online and occasionally over the phone when I can muster up the courage, but so far only silence and rejections. I wouldn't be able to afford moving and and volunteering for very long, but I am tempted to try it and just put all my eggs in one basket - taking the risk and hoping it leads to a paying job somehow before I run out of money. I am just that desperate. I don't know if it's a good idea though.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Ember~

First off thanks for touching base with MrJay, even a fleeting caring word can have more of an effect that you might imagine.

I think your doctor was right to try small steps, however I find if I'm just doing something just for me it is not always enough.

I guess we are all different however I'm not one for putting all my eggs in one basket and making irrevocable changes unless I really have to. I find such situations simply create more stress and worry for me and increase the stakes of any action I might take. Paralyzing.

I suggested volunteering because one can focus on the task, with interpersonal contact being a side-issue (unless you want different). Doing the job is a means of hiding if you like, something to concentrate on rather than the people side. It also gives feelings of accomplishment, which everyone needs.

As an example I worked with a lady who just quietly scanned images and put them in a database, she had very little contact with anyone to start with, but as time went on she became used to the regulars and opened up more. I can truthfully say to start with she would retire from sight if people came around, but came to enjoy herself later on.

If you found something locally for a bit that might stand you in good stead later on when you do make a move, give you a familiar thing in the new environment. Many organizations are state or country-wide.

You do need a change, but please don't let desperation lead you to take on too much at once.

Croix