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When it rains it Pours

Community Member

All my life my father has been in jail. He is a thief and compulsive liar.

My mother has stood by his side all our life brainwashing us kids that one day he would be this changed man and turn into a wonderful loving husband and father that we have all needed so badly.

As a child I remember if my dad was out of jail our lives where lived in secret. We could not have friends over or tell people anything about our lives as dad was always on the run from the police. This has rubbed off on all of us kids still to this day. I find it hard to form friendships and maintain them. I feel social awkward and unlike. The last 20 years it has all played out in a small country town. We where moved there after my dad broke into a bank and bought a house there with stolen money thinking he would go unnoticed. (he's a idiot). He served many years in jail after being caught and then escaped from jail and got caught again. He got realised on parole last year and my mum welcomed him home with open arms like a fool. Within a few months he was drinking and being nasty to her and slowly started sniffing around to commit crime till it all unfolded and he was on the run again. He has been caught again and is back in jail. He just had stage 4 cancer treatment in jail and is now facing being deported back to his country of birth. I honestly hope they send him.

I now live with anxiety and feel so much shame. I can't even go to the local shop without feeling like I'm judged even tho ppl tell me they know we are good people. I'm also dealing with my first born child's own ongoing medical issues. After 15 years of trying I fell pregnant and I was told they found a tumor suspected to be childhood cancer Neuroblastoma but a miracle is happening and it going away on its own. I pray everyday that this continues.

I don't know how to get rid of feeling judged and Ease my Anxiety. I feel like it is ingrained in me from a child. My sister is currently battling a Ice addiction and on the verge of her children being taken away from her and my brother hardly leaves the house. My mum has mental health issues and it just seems everywhere I look or turn there is bad things happening. I'm getting married next month to the love and rock of my life yet everything is negative. My partners brother is also battling a Ice addiction. So there is just issues everywhere we turn.

I miss my confidence and I miss being me. I want to make friends and not shut the world out.I miss everything good

5 Replies 5

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi AusgirlX and welcome to the forums.

First of all I want to tell you I do understand. Growing up in a country town everyone knew my parents. I was never me I was so and so's youngest daughter. Whether they like your family or not there is always an element of judgement. People who don't know you look at your family to get an idea of the kind of person you are. It sucks.

To me that meant I must be social. Outgoing. Good with kids. Smart. Trustworthy. Practical. Confident. And I'm not all those things.

But I am not my family. I am ME. So are you. Your father is not you. Your family issues are not you. There will always be those who don't bother looking past to see you for an individual but those people are not worth your time.

I am slowly learning not to apologise for being different. Why should I? And why should you feel shame? You were a child. You are not responsible for your father. Easy to say but hard to feel inside I know. It takes practice.

Start small. Next time you are in the local shop smile and greet people. Even a hello. Start to slowly separate yourself from your family by becoming known as your own person. Join one activity in your community. A volunteer role. Tidy towns. Anything. Encourage people to know your name. As a separate individual. So when you walk down the street they don't immediately go oh that is so and so's daughter but oh that's AusgirlX who helps out at the local school etc.

As to your child I really hope that the news stays positive... And that you stay strong and focused on the good in your life. You are worthwhile and deserving of love and a happy life. All the best for your wedding next month!

Head up AusgirlX. Be proud of yourself for being a positive influence on your child and your finance and your family. We are proud of you for what it is worth.


Community Member
Thank you for taking the time to reply it helped alot 🙂

Hi AusgirlX,

I'm wondering how you are getting on. There has certainly been a lot happening in your life.

Have you been to see a counsellor or a therapist of some kind to help with all these thoughts and emotions, memories and issues that you have from your upbringing?

Hope you are finding the answers and help you need for your child.

Are there support groups for Ice addicts in your region?

My psychologists tells me that with some work I can make my life different. Each day if I make an effort, I can change things and learnt o let go of the hurts and pain of the past.

Knowing what you want changed is a good beginning.

Cheers from Dools

Hi AusgirlX (and a wave to Mrs D),

You're most welcome. Thank you for coming back and replying. feedback really does feel wonderful. How have you been going?

I like Mrs D (dools) idea about knowing what you want. It makes sense seeing as you are juggling multiple issues to write down the key goals and find things that are within your control to change. We can support and wish but an addict has to want to help themselves.

Sometimes it is necessary to look at what things are in your power to change. Your sister and brother in law are adults. The consequences of their addictions are devestating but short of caring for your sister's children yourself there is very little in your control. Have you thought about your boundaries to protect yourself mentally?

How is your child going? And the wedding planning? I hope you can find joy in looking forward to your wedding day and the fact that you have a supportive and understanding partner right there in your corner.

Take care and would love to hear how you are if you feel up to it.

❤ Nat

Dear Ausgirl

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. You have my admiration for staying strong and not allowing yourself to fall into addiction of any kind. It would be hard when so many others close to you are not looking after themselves.

Your childhood sounds lonely and scary which is not the way it should be. Despite this you have become a great partner and mother. Learning these skills without good role models is so difficult. You have lived with huge shame and that's not easy to overcome. Do you think you could get some help about this? Mrs Dools has already suggested this and I know from my own experience in that area how hard it can be to live your life while trying to hide these feelings.

Even more is how you avoid various situations that may leave you open to criticism of some kind. It's good you have a strong partner, so wonderful when you need to lean. Knowing you have this support in your life may make it easier to venture out a little, say hello to your neighbour, talk about the weather when you are in the shopping queue. It does get easier the more you practice. Make that your goal for the day, to say hello to at least one person.

Have a chat to your GP about getting a referral to a psychiatrist. Once you get comfortable talking to the psych I believe you will find it helpful. I see a psychiatrist every week these days. The last time I saw her she commented on how much I had changed during the past year. Of course I couldn't see it because I am too close and it has gradual. When I look back though I can see how I have changed. My experience was of a great betrayal and was so hard to believe. I am beginning to heal so there's proof we can do that. You can also heal and perhaps get there more quickly with help.

Many people find writing in here helpful because they can talk about all their hurts knowing this place is safe and no one will hurt you. Confidentiality is paramount. Please continue to talk with us.