Please help. Am I selfish?

Loving_Loser · ‎30-11-2017

My girlfriend and I have been through so much together. We met online and she moved states for me. She now lives with me and my family who are all loving, caring and supportive. From the day we met I was aware she’d been through a lot. She had lost close friends, been in an abusive relationship and come out of it in one piece. I fell in love with her from the moment I saw her and never looked back. Anyway this year things have gotten worse. She gets very angry over minor things and hurts herself regularly. She’s seen a doctor but nothing helps, she no longer talks to my family and doesn’t interact with anyone other than people at work and her parents. My family haven’t done anything wrong and I just want everyone to get along but it doesn’t ever happen. I’m scared and I love her dearly. I’m anxious, scared and I’m not even wording myself properly haha. I need help I can’t handle the stress and anxiety anymore.

quirkywords · ‎30-11-2017

LL

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing you story.

Your girlfriend has been though a lot of upheaval and changes.

Moving states is a huge move and then not only learning to live with you but also your family.

That alone would be a big change but she has been dealing with loss and the aftermath of an abusive relationship.

The fact that you are seeking help shows how caring you are.

Have you spoken to your girlfriend about how you feel and how concerned you are.

I am sure your family are very kind and welcoming but your girlfriend may find them overwhelming.

she is in pain and finding it hard to cope.

Sometimes things take quite a hole to improve. She may need to see a counsellor or a psychologist . Sometimes when people are inwell not matter how hard they try they find t hard and stressful in certain situations.

I am sure people will be able to relate to your story and other people may be able to help.

I have just given you my opinion.

I understand you are feeling stressed but you love your girlfriend and Care for her.

Quirky

Forest_Critter · ‎01-12-2017

Hey Loving, welcome to the forum.

I can definitely empathise with your situation. It's gut-wrenching to watch someone you love go through such pain. It's an additional challenge for their issues to have an impact on your family and family relationships.

Just briefly regarding the self-harm: if it escalates, or comes to a point where she is endangering herself, I recommend getting in touch with people to provide immediate assistance. 1300 22 4636 is the BeyondBlue 24/7 service line, and they provide some excellent advice and direction.

Regarding what I believe would help moving forward: taking care of yourself is important. If you're aware of your own elevated stress and anxiety, to the point where you think it affects your day-to-day, I recommend sourcing a psychologist or counselor. A big commitment is often unnecessary, and a few strategies to assist with your anxiety may be very helpful.

I'd also recommend discussing your partner's situation with the counselor/psychologist. It makes sense that her history of abuse, and the recent lifestyle changes, may explain her changes in behaviour. The most important part of helping her for now is getting the right information, and this is where a psychologist may be particularly useful. If you're unsure where to find one, I recommend talking to your GP, who may have contacts who specialise in self-harm and other changes your partner is going through.

Overall I think you're doing the best you can. Taking care of someone you love can sometimes be a extremely confusing, which can also make it frustrating, and emotionally exhausting. However, it can also be handled like many other problems. Accepting that it takes a bit of work, even though it may be a kind we are not used to, may make the prospect of dealing with it a bit easier.

I'm glad she has you in her life to care so much for her. And I'm sure with a bit of gradual work, understanding her issues, and treating them, will be achievable.

I'd definitely like to discuss more with you, if you're comfortable sharing any updates.

Other than that, I hope I was able to help.

All the best Loving,

- FC

white knight · ‎01-12-2017

Hi LL, welcome

I agree with Quirky. I cant add much except moving out and living with her alone migjt be an option that could have benefits.

Also seeking some counseling

Tony WK

geoff · ‎01-12-2017

hi LL, it's very sad to go from such a loving situation to one that suddenly changes for no explained reason, but if she does have any sort of depression, then this will certainly happen.
I'm not saying that this is how the situation is, but it's a possibility.
Firstly ease the thoughts of your parents, although they will be worried, but no one knows why this has happened, as loving as your parents are, just ask them to not please keep asking you what's happening, as soon as you know then you will let them know., otherwise it's going to frustrate you.
You have to remember that anybody who has left an abusive r/ship will carry some luggage, well don't we all, but for a partner to physically or emotionally abuse the person they're living with must be horrible.
I think that her doctor needs to refer her to a psychologist, under the mental health plan, which will entitle her to 10 free visits, plus you could contact Headspae and/or Reachout.
She has been pretending for too long and now she has hit crunch time but I'm sure with your help there maybe some improvements, so I hope you can still let us know. Geoff.

Loving_Loser · ‎01-12-2017

Hello,

thank you so much for replying it means a lot to me. I have spoken to her about how I feel but I feel like it makes her feel worse and she’s at times said it adds to her sadness and makes her feel guilty. I say to her that I feel sad and that all I want is for everything to be ok. I want her to get along with people again. She was so close and friendly with my family before and it feels like she dislikes them now and I don’t know why. She has an appointment to see a psychologist in January, I think that’s right, whichever the one is that can prescribe medication. It’s at a point for me though where, I’m constantly feeling low because everything with my family and her isn’t getting better and I want that more than anything. I want her to be ok, I want us to be ok, I just want everything back to the way it was, I think maybe I’m being selfish or a drama queen? I don’t know what to do anymore.

lilsadgirl · ‎07-12-2017

I want to clarify a lot of things with this post.

This is my partner posting on BB asking for some help with dealing with my depression. I have been just diagnosed with depression, anxiety and quite possibly bi-polar. My partner's parents have no respect for me since I have moved, and this doesn't help with how I feel. I'm stressed out because of work, not enjoying my living arrangements and really missing my family back home. The psychologist feels that this is what triggered my depression again. I was like this when I was 14, and into a lot of bad things that I regret now. I've suffered an ED during my teenage years... like my partner said, I was in an abusive relationship and I've lost my 2 best friends to suicide over the years. After I left school, I got a job and was working really hard, and you know what? I wasn't as sad or miserable as I feel now. But the move to be with my partner triggered something and now I'm back to where I was. I thought I was making progress over the years, but now I feel like I'm getting worse. I don't enjoy living with my partners family, they annoy me 24/7. I can't control my moods anymore and everything that they say or do just makes me want to hurt myself. I want to run away and be alone, but my partner is clingy at times. I need my space to just relax and calm down and my partner doesn't understand that. My partner feels like when I say I need some space that I'm ending the relationship, when I'm not. I just need some space and some time for myself. I'm annoyed I can never get it and I feel like I am trapped. Trapped in this house... trapped in the relationship. I don't know what else I can do. My partner makes me feel guilty for being sad and miserable all the time, and when I explain I can't help that things are like this, I feel like he questions me. On top of all of that, I work a full time job, where as my partner isn't doing as much at the moment (it's beyond his control) ~ but I feel like he doesn't understand why I am so stressed all the time. He doesn't get where I'm coming from, and to him it's basically "she doesn't get along with my family blah blah" but it's so much more than that. I can't deal with his family yes.. but they don't respect me, so why should I respect them? But I'm dealing with so much more that he doesn't get. I am stuck in this situation and it's making me feel worse. I feel guilty because he is upset because of all of this, but I don't know what to do to make him and myself feel better.

Forest_Critter · ‎11-12-2017

Hi Lilsadgirl, thank you for posting. This must have taken some courage, and I apologise if what I suggested made you feel uncomfortable.

It's really good you've shared your side of the story. It seems clear that in your case, and like many others, your partner's perception of you is incomplete, and misunderstood.

I'll keep my response brief:

The friction between your diagnoses and living situation with your partner's family, if it seems to create an environment in which you don't feel any support, may not be the best place to be in the long-term. If there is a feasible way of living with just your partner, that may be the way to go.

With helping your partner understand your condition, I recommend asking your psychologist if you can bring him to one of your appointments. Psychologists are very efficient at informing loved ones of how your condition works, and can be helpful in adjusting any misconceptions your partner may have. Hopefully this will help re-align your partner's perceptions with your own.

With the immediate living situation with your partner's family, I understand the reluctance to respect those who may not be respecting or understanding of you. Without much more information about this dynamic, I only recommend that sometimes in more hostile or uncomfortable environments, focusing on love, and loving those around you, no matter your disagreements with them, can often help. It can be easy to be caught up in the right-and-wrong of how we all behave. But if you and your partner's family do share a common care for each other, despite the occasional disrespect, I advise showing them as much love as possible; which may then be reflected back.

Again, my apologies if the posts here have not done your situation justice. I hope you don't find us guilty of being narrow-minded; we just try to help whoever posts, yourself included.

If you're comfortable sharing more, I'd love to hear it.

Best,

- FC