Office fling is tearing me apart

itsagamble · ‎19-07-2018

Long story short, I am married but was going through a down patch feeling lonely at home with all the attention on the kids etc. Sex life dried up and also a bit depressed about work, except that I had a crush on a girl at work and seeing her every day was my inspiration. She was a divorcee also in a long term relationship with a boyfriend of about 4 or so years. We were quite close and when she announced she was leaving, she became very flirty for the last few weeks. On her last day, we got drunk and ended up having sex, stopping part way through. The first few weeks after that was hell. I was so confused, crying all the time and shutting out my wife (who doesn't know). We ended up catching up with intention to talk it over but never did, just talked general chit chat, until a few weeks later, when she said she didn't want it to get out as her previous husband had left her for another woman after a long term affair. It seemed like she was more worried about repercussions than not wanting anything, but we agreed that it was a drunk fling and basically it didn't happen. This was months ago but I still have that crush. We see each other every now and then for drinks, only as friends, but she doesn't know how I feel and I don't want to stop seeing her - its the only thing that makes me happy apart from my kids. I literally think about her all day, every day. Have tried being intimate with my wife to get over it but she is always tired and never initiates anything. We're only in our mid 30s but averaging less than once a month for intimacy. I have tried to tell OW how I feel to see what she says, but I can't muster up the courage and then feel like crap again for days until I get a chance to see her. All has been friendly with OW, no intimacy , until the other day when we were flirty a bit and she blew me a kiss (after I joked about not kissing her and smudging her lipstick) then affectionately rubbed my arm when she said goodbye. That touch felt amazing. I am so confused and don't know what to do. On one hand, I want to be with her, but on the other I don't want to break up my family. Also, if I do split and OW doesn't want to join me, I would feel worse. My best guess at the moment is to get financially sorted so worst case I can afford a divorce and OW if she wants to, tell my wife and see if she forgives me. I think I would try pretty hard not to make the same mistake again. Should I just ask her if she likes me and if not bury it all? This sucks.

itsagamble · ‎03-08-2018

Thanks all. The thing is, there are no real problems in the marriage. I have come to realise the things we are/were going through are normal and the problem is just me and my stupid obsession. I have come to realise the initial attraction was not really acting out due to marriage problems, just that I was keen on this person and acted on it. I have then had this fantasy that she must like me to flirt quite openly and then have sex, drunk or not, afterwards thinking it might lead to something and I having been clinging to that and guilt of betraying my spouse which is casuing all the sleeplessness and bad feelings. I spoke at length with my brother about this as he went through similar and he said everything I told him he had felt too, difference was he was approached by the girl and he fell for her. They are now together but its been a tough road and still is. When I told him the details of her flirting, what she did and said before we hooked up and he couldn't understand how she wouldn't want something to be saying those things, so understands my confusion at her going cold turkey after. I think I have realised that I don't necessarily want to be with the other woman now, given her reaction to it all and her desire to stay living a lie. But I'd still like closure because I want to know if she feels anything and is just hiding it. My brother suggested that I should be cautious if she can easily forget about it because she may have done it before and could well do it again. Unfortunately, I now have to try to ignore her and stop my obsession which is tough in the modern age with facebook etc, plus I see her name and writing all the time at work, plus colleagues ask how she is etc if they know i've seen her. If I ignore her and she doesn't contact me I guess I'll know, without having to embarrass myself and tell her how I feel or think I feel but that's going to be tough. Then after that i guess it will be easier for me to decide to tell my wife what happened, tell her about my stupid obsession and that nothing is going on, and hope she can forgive me. My brother said out of all of it, the biggest regret he has is not seeing his kids every day and that he knows his life is going to be pretty crap for about 15 years. OW might be comfortable lying to her partner who she claims to love, but I'm not. I think I need to confess and let wife make a decision because I can't suffer like this forever - it will kill me.

Croix · ‎04-08-2018

Dear Itsagamble~

I'm glad you are seeing things the way you do in that last post, it sounds pretty sensible, as does the advice you have been offering elsewhere.

Can I suggest there is a big difference between saying to a partner there has been someone else and I'm trying to/just have broken up and saying there was a brief time a while ago but it's been over for so many months (or years) and I'm glad.

If my partner told that to me I'd be much more likely to be understanding of the second case.

Croix

blondguy · ‎05-08-2018

Hello Itsagamble

Thankyou so much for your quality & heartfelt advice on another post that was greatly appreciated

You are only human Itsagamble. I didnt mean to infer that you have problems with your marriage. Im sorry about that. Being human means we are imperfect by nature. You are a legend for being here with us in the first place!

Thankyou for taking the time to post back with the clarity you have

I hope that your weekend has been reasonably good to you

you are not alone

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

Wizard1 · ‎06-08-2018

Hi itsagamble,

Sorry to hear about the troubles you are facing. There a lot of people who would have read your thread and can relate to your predicament. I am however glad to hear that you have gain some clarity and know the path you feel you should take. It will difficult no doubt but this forum is here should you need it. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

Cheers
Wizard

To_Old_For_This · ‎06-08-2018

Hi itsagamble

I have followed your story and I am glad you have come to a place of clarity before throwing your marriage away. Please take some time to think, before speaking to your wife. I am not saying you should keep this hidden from her, but please think of the impact the news will have on her.

As a wife who has been cheated on, I can tell you, it is an extremely painful thing to recover from. It has had a tremendous effect my self-esteem and self-worth. My husband felt a sense of relief in telling me and no longer hiding his lies, but it was at my expense.

I think you have learned from this terrible mistake and I hope you go on to have a happy and fulfilling marriage.

itsagamble · ‎07-08-2018

Yeah thanks. Its a hard one but I'll have to keep toughing it out and hopefully not break. I understand the impact it will have so will try to forget. I'm on a no contact pact at the moment, only 5 days in though, so will see how it goes. I still look at facebook photos etc but not as much. I don't think she will contact me, which makes me sad at the same time as realising the feelings aren't mutual. Its just that seeing her, the conversations we have and 'signals' I pick up, which may not be signals at all, keep me thinking about it. What ifs, you know.

Talking with my brother has definitely helped, along with feedback on here. He seems to think she liked me and maybe still is attracted in a small way, but wants to stay safe in her happy world, which I can understand. I hope she isn't hurting as much as I am. It doesn't seem that way when I see her and I obviously haven't asked and never really thought about it. A while ago she put an old photo of her and her bf on facebook and I recently noticed it was the day after we had our night together. Maybe that was to help her realise she'd made a blue and wanted to reinforce her feelings for him.

In hindsight, as much as I wanted it at the time and thought she wanted it, it was a stupid mistake. I realise now if it didn't happen I probably wouldn't have seen her again after she changed jobs, or maybe as friends a few times here and there, but nothing would have eventuated.

Its going to take some effort on my part both with my wife and trying to forget OW. Its a real shame because she is a good friend. It sounds silly, but I'm also anxious because I don't think she'll contact me, but I hope she does. Anyway, the focus will be on the family and having fun with my wife and maybe falling in love again because deep down I know the love is still there, where on the other side its just hopes and dreams. God that feeling of hollowness and pain in the chest is awful. I've never felt it before even after breakups from long term relationships.

To_Old_For_This · ‎07-08-2018

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think the feelings you describe- that you haven't even felt after a break-up is because you never broke up. The fling you had with this woman was more of a fantasy, than a real world thing. You never had to live in the real world with her- to see her bad habits, to be her sounding board after a hard day.

The relationship you have with your wife- although it is rocky after what has happened, has been built on real-life, everyday chores. Paying the bills, taking care of the kids etc.

Real-life is not always roses, as we all know and the grass always appears greener on the other side. Affairs are borne out of selfishness-she has been selfish as well. If you had of really stopped beforehand and weighed up wether one night with this woman was worth destroying you family over- would you have behaved differently?

Wizard1 · ‎07-08-2018

Hi itsagamble,

When I saw this quote from you I felt I should give you my thoughts on it:

"Anyway, the focus will be on the family and having fun with my wife and maybe falling in love again because deep down I know the love is still there"

Love is verb. It something you do. The feeling of love comes from when you love someone. Take your children for example. When they were born they didn't enter this world, give a big hug and say "daddy I love you". Nope. They enter the world kicking and screaming, pooping, vomiting and demanding your attention all hours of the night. Yet despite this, you loved them and as a result you felt love. So love your wife, serve her, hold her, cherish her, smile at her, be there for her and you will feel love for her again.

I hope this helps as I know it has help me.

Cheers
Wizard