Not Infertile, But Not Pregnant

[Ocean26]

Hi BeyondBluers,

I'm having a really hard time. With a family history of mental health challenges, my Mum and two of her brothers all took their own life before I turned 18.

After years of psychology sessions, a uni degree and finding the love of my life, I'm now married and hoping to start a family with my Husband. He's such a warm, wonderful and supportive guy. I have beautiful friends who are also supportive, and so many of them are PREGNANT. Or have a child. We've been trying for 18 months. I don't know if I or my husband have any issues yet. I haven't felt ready to start the process of working with fertility clinics to take it a step further. Plus my psychologist tells me that being within 2 years from starting to try for a baby is actually "normal". I'm feeling the cycle of disappointment, heart break and loss for something I haven't had yet. This grief is as real, raw and deep as when I lost my Mum. Except it also comes in cyclical waves when I get my period, when a friend announces they're pregnant or when I'm around friends who are pregnant and they're talking excitedly about their futures. I don't check social media much anymore because I need to get away from all the announcements. I never knew that wanting to have a baby but it not happening yet could bring so much pain. Not many people around me understand, or know what to say to me when I confide in them (which is fair, we're not trained to know what to say!). They try to make me feel better by telling me not to worry, that a baby is just around the corner, don't give up hope, at least I should be grateful for XYZ, or the many different versions of that. It's hard to feel heard, understood and not alone. I can feel happy, and grateful at times, and at the same time, the heart ache and pain is so frequent. It's just hard. I'm hoping someone here might understand. Please don't make me feel guilty as I already understand that others can be in a tougher situation than me. It doesn't mean what I'm feeling is any less valid, which is hard to remember at the best of times. Thanks in advance for reading. I'd love some support.

[Sophie_M]

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal with us. Your words paint such a clear picture of just how heavy this has been for you, and I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to open up about the heartache of infertility, especially alongside the loss and grief you’ve already endured in your life.

Wanting something so deeply, and facing disappointment month after month, can be an incredibly isolating experience, particularly when those around you are celebrating pregnancies and milestones that you long for. What you’re feeling is absolutely valid, and you’re right: this grief is real, even if it looks different to the grief we usually talk about.

It sounds like you have a lot of insight and support in place already, from your husband and friends to your psychologist, but even so, it’s clear that you’re craving a space where others truly “get it.” You’re not alone in this, and I’m glad you’ve come here to connect with people who understand that mix of hope and heartbreak.

Our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) is here 24/7 if you’d like to talk through these feelings when they feel heavy.

I hope others in the community who have walked a similar path will reach out and share with you. You deserve compassion, understanding, and to know you don’t have to carry this alone

Take gentle care,
Sophie M

[Ocean26]

Thank you so much for your kind words, Sophie. I welcome anyone who might relate to this in any way. I've found it's really tricky finding resources for this niche area I find myself at the moment. I'm not going through IVF, haven't had a miscarriage and am yet to investigate further in our fertility journey, but not pregnant and don't have any current children.

[Guest_37856527]

Just wanted to reach out to you and say that your experience is exactly what I am going through at the moment. I feel pretty isolated because no one around me really understands the constant grief of constant unsuccessful cycles abdvthere doesn’t seem to be a lot of support available for people who haven’t yet started fertility treatments like IVF. Thank you for posting on this forum. It helps to know I’m not alone.