Lying

[Hadesjw]

Hi all, (trigger warning)

I don’t really know how to do this, I’ve never done anything like this before I guess the first thing is being honest.

I’m a 24 year old woman and most of my childhood I never lied but when I was 10 my mum met a guy and while she was at work this guy would physically beat me, and I would learn to lie not only from my mum about the abuse but lie to the guy in hopes of him not doing anything. And well 14 years on I had told little lies here and there, but when I met my now partner my lying has just gotten out of control. Like for Christ sake the other night I lied about bread, like who does that (for context I cooked to much for dinner and I lied saying I got the meals mixed which wasn’t the case) but seriously who lies about that stuff. Anyway my partner sees me as this horrible/ bad person and honestly I’m starting to feel like I am. Cause who would cause so much pain and discomfort to their partner who they love. 
I really don’t know what to do if I’m being honest like I’m crying writing this because I can’t afford to get professional help. In the 3 years we’ve together I’ve lied quite a bit but lately it’s just increased and I don’t know what to do or how to stop it 

[Nerna]

Hello dear... we all have survival traits born from our childhood wounds, and some of us live our lives never addressing these parts within ourselves.

I'm truly sorry for what happened to you in your past... it is a brave thing to own how we have come to be.

What you should do with your current partner... is have a tender honest conversation. Start with sharing you know how much this impacts him. Be accountable that you lie out of habit - its a survival trait developed from childhood trauma. That you're not trying dismiss how harmful it is - this is something that will take time and practice to rewire. You care about making this work and want to get better, but need support and understanding from him too.

Now, the lying... all I can say is: baby steps. Ask yourself, do I really mean this? What do I actually want to say? Catch yourself each time you lie and correct it, openly and honestly. If you still lie instantly, as long as you own up to it quickly, you will get better in time. More importantly - be kind. Try not to beat yourself up in the process... it all starts with how we treat ourselves inwardly.

The road will not be easy.. but where there is enough compassion and continuous effort, the two of you will grow together.

[Croix]

Dear Hadesjw~

I'd like to join Nerna in welcoming you here to the Forum, and the first thing you may not realize is lying is something so many people do as a result of their experiences when young. From physical abuse, as in your case, to over controlling parents berating a kid for not getting straight A's. It happens at all levels. Yours was a horrific time and the self-protection methods you found best became deeply embedded.

By coming here you have shown you realize what is going on and the cause - that is a huge stride forward.

It may well  be you value your partner so much that lying comes to the front, as you do not wish things to end by being thought less of (yes, I know that sounds not what one might expect).

I really like Nerna's reply to you, it shows a great deal of understanding and sense.

The problem is of coure is that a person has the habit of lying in the same way one instinctively ducks from a threat. It becomes the instinctive reaction to most situations and the  ability to judge when it is appropriate goes and one simply lies on many occasions when there is no threat at all.

Trying to curb this is more than looking back and saying that was the wrong reaction, and as Nerna says baby steps is the start of the road.

Hopefully if you can explain about your early life your partner may understand and make allowances, however professional help for such an ingrained habit would be of great assistance. I know you cannot afford a lot.

If you have not done so already I'd suggest you contact the Blue Knot Foundation who are experts in helping people deal with the damage done in early years. 

No instant answers, but there is a lot of hope for a better life. You know you will be welcome here anytime.

Croix

[sbella02]

Hadesjw,

Thank you for your honesty in your post here, I'm really glad that you found the strength to open up to us in such a vulnerable way. It's not easy to admit when we're wrong or have been doing something to hurt someone, even unintentionally.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this battle with yourself right now. It sounds like it's really affecting the way you see yourself, and the way you perceive others to see you, as well as affecting your relationship. 

It makes sense that you're still in this pattern today, given your history. As a child, you were taught that lying gets you out of trouble, or that it keeps you safe from harm. When we learn something like this at such a young age, it tends to stick with us, whether we realise it or not. It's good to hear that you have realised how this is affecting you and are reflecting on why and how you can change.

So, it sounds to me like these lies might be a defense mechanism your mind has developed to mitigate harmful consequences. Consider a house of flammable things - you have a smoke alarm that's designed to alert you to the threat of a fire, so when a real fire comes along, this smoke alarm is really useful. Sometimes, that smoke alarm goes off for things that smoke generally that may not be as directly dangerous as fire, like burnt toast. This is what's happening - those lies kick in to help you avoid consequences in general, even if there's no direct threat or harm to you. 

However, it's important to recognise (as you have) that this defense mechanism can quickly turn into more of an attack mechanism to avoid negative consequences in a different and more active way. So, it may be useful to consider what these lies are doing for you at the moment - what do you fear will happen if you tell the truth? Do you have evidence that this will happen? Do you have evidence that it will not happen?

I really, really agree with what Nerna has said about having a tender and honest conversation with your partner where it's important to firstly take accountability, invite him to share his perspective, and then discuss what you would like to do moving forward. Then from there, it will take baby steps to form new patterns of responding such that you don't feel like you need to lie.

I hope this helps, please feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like. We're here for you.

All the best, SB