Breakup support - not coping

Jilted

Hi. I’ve been in a non-commited relationship with my old high school boyfriend for 7 years. He has been separated from his wife of 25 years and has always said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. However we used to text daily, he’s met all of my friends and been on holiday with me and my friends. He talked about me meeting his children and even going on a cruise. A few weeks ago he ‘accidentally’ slept with someone. He said he was too drunk to know if they had sex. He thought they just slept in the same bed. Since then he says he’s ‘off the rails and needs to sort himself out’. So, he dumped me and maintains he always said he didn’t want a relationship. But we had a kind of relationship. He can’t even say he loves me or misses me.
he won’t ad me to his social media , but he is adding others. He says he wants six months to sort himself out. He is starting to not respond to my one or two messages. He did say he wanted go keep in touch - now he’s saying he didn’t mean weekly.
i live on my own and don’t have any support in the city I live in. I’m absolutely devastated. I don’t know how go cope. I thought we were working towards a future together. His sudden coldness and shutting me off is excruciating and I don’t know how to cope with it. Please help.

white knight

Hi, welcome

I hope you are feeling ok.If you need to ring someone there is a number at the bottom of the page.

There's a wide variation of peoples responses to these sorts of problems. The two extremes are- let him go and better luck next time or total devastation as in your case... and all others in between.

Your personality and keenness for this man has led you down a loving hopeful path until a number of events displays a different person than what you hoped for or what you believed. So in essence you are in grief with the only positive is that the relationship didnt go on much longer.

It will take time for you to accept that his many actions and inactions are painting a picture of rejection. When falling in love we refuse to face the obvious and its really emotionally hard. So what can you do?

I've had 4 long terms relationships and for me I found that returning to dating purely for company was best for me. It allowed me to feel any gratitude my ex hadnt given me, appreciation etc. It also told me that my ex got it wrong and let a good guy slip through her fingers. My confidence returned. The same with hanging out with friends that support you with how you've been treated. For others hobbies or sports etc does well also.

From my male view this man conveniently doesnt know if he slept with someone or not isnt believable. To "sort himself out" which in reality is to leave you in limbo isnt the actions of a person that has any level of commitment. By giving you the "silent treatment" is saying it all.

I'm sorry you've been rejected and treated poorly. To look after your own well being your kindness to yourself is paramount now. Pamper yourself, buy a new dress, attend a comedy... grow. You deserve better than this, you are strong, you are a beautiful soul and the faster you get to a place of peace and detachment from him, the healing has started.

"Instead of assessing what a man takes away from you, assess how you'll fill that void with activities and someones full heart"

Reply anytime

TonyWK

Jilted

Thank you for your kind words and guidance. I am slowly accepting its over but it’s so hard. This is not how I thought it would play out. I thought he was so much more.
i can’t change the outcome which is hard to accept. I’m moving forward one day at a time.

sbella02

Jilted,

Thank you so much for reaching out here, we warmly welcome you to our forums. Hopefully you can find some comfort here. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this awful situation. I've definitely dated this kind of person before, and have also been through a few breakups in the past few years, so I feel that I may have a bit of advice to share. This may be a bit of a long post, and you don't have to read it all - I'll highlight parts that may stand out.

For people who want all the aspects of a relationship but without the commitment, I always just assume that they're fully aware of what they're doing and how it affects others because, in general, they are. We tend to give people more credit than they're worth because we can't imagine doing that to somebody, let alone somebody doing that to us. People like this want all the benefits of being in a relationship, so they give you the illusion of them being interested, but in reality they can still use the excuse of "we were never committed" if they do things like sleep with or talk to other people.

Regardless of whether he has slept with somebody else, it doesn't sound like he's treating you very well anyway. You deserve better than that. Even if the relationship started without commitment, that seven year tenure is long enough to legally be considered "de facto" if you were living together, so that does denote a level of commitment that I don't think he was fully ready to accept. You've dedicated such a huge portion of your life, time, and energy to this person that it may now feel like that void is unbearable.

It may take time and energy to help you feel better, but from my experience, it is worthwhile. I've been where you are. It hurts. It's so difficult to understand why somebody would want to do that to someone else. It's selfish.

I suppose for me, the light at the end of the tunnel was coming to the realisation that somebody like that will never truly be happy or satisfied, whereas I can use this situation to learn, grow, and better myself. If my experience is anything to go by, recovering from this kind of intense pain, hurt, and yearning is possible.

I allowed myself to go through everything that I felt my body needed to, in order to cope with the pain of someone that prevalent leaving my life. If I felt that I needed to cry, I did. I blocked them on every social media to remove the temptation of reaching out - after a while of feeling guilty about the prospect of blocking, I'm glad I eventually bit the bullet, it feels so much better. If I felt like texting them or had words I needed to express, I'd write it all down in my journal.

I'd encourage you to do the same, in terms of listening to your body - it generally knows what you need to do in a particular moment to help yourself feel better. Going out, attending local events, hobbies, reaching out to friends/family/anyone in your life who you've trusted and felt safe around in the past who wasn't a romantic connection. It may even help to do what I did and create a list of either standards or qualities that you'll accept in a partner moving forward. Something along the lines of "would somebody who loves me do XYZ?", or "I want somebody who does/has XYZ". It can help to solidify what exactly you will and will not accept in somebody to protect yourself and your peace in the future.

For right now, focus as much on yourself as possible. Just from your post, I can tell that you're kind, giving, and empathetic. These are great qualities. If it helps, make a list of every positive quality that YOU bring to a partnership. That may serve to boost your confidence and make you feel better.

I hope that something in this advice resonates with you. Please feel free to keep chatting with us, we're here to support you.

Take care, SB

Jilted

Thank you so much for your advice and insight. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact I was probably too nice and should have ended it years ago. I think he’s looking for escape from his own life - all the pressure from running a business and raising a son on his own. As soon as I pressed for more, he ran. Because I was no longer the escape from his daily life. He’s got stuff to sort out. I can’t help with that. As much as it’s not what I want, I have to move on.

sbella02

Jilted,

I think there also comes a point where we must realise that being kind to ourselves comes above being kind to somebody who doesn't deserve our kindness.

I'm a people-pleaser, and there have been so many times in my life where I've been kinder to others than I have been to myself. I was in a really toxic relationship about two years ago now, and I always found myself thinking "I don't want to leave him because HE seems happy", or "I don't want to tell him how his actions are making me feel because it will upset HIM", when in reality, being this considerate of him was hurting me more. He didn't deserve my kindness. Sometimes I think we also mistake our silence about issues as kindness, because we're avoiding the conflict that stems from their defensiveness about their terrible actions. This is why I say that it's so much more important to be kind to yourself, then you'll find that well-directed kindness towards others will fall into place from there.

I feel like I can relate to your hesitation in letting him go, and your frustration about having been treated like you don't matter. For me, it was difficult to let go because of the "what if" - "what if" he comes back and I finally get that validation again? "What if" he changes? "What if" I'm letting go of something great?

You are worthy of love, and you are worthy of somebody who can commit to you wholeheartedly, with no reservations. Staying with somebody who is not worth your time may be depriving you of something so fulfilling and beautiful. In the six months that he's "sorting himself out", this gives you the opportunity to throw yourself into things that you want to do, things that make you happy and fulfilled. People like that hate to see people they've hurt thriving. Not that this is the primary motivation to pursue your own interests, of course, but it can contribute to the initial fuel for that fire.

SB

Jilted

Sounds like we are both people pleasers.
I’ve told him I can’t wait around for six months only to have him maybe walk away again. So I am trying to move on. He would be delighted to see me happy and doing my own thing which just irks me more. I want him to miss me and want to do stuff with me.
I can’t force him to do any of it.
For now I’m learning to be at peace in my solitude.