Not even broken up yet but already upset

[Blue_Jay]

I have been with my girl friend for years and things are getting very stale. I have every daydreamed about her dumping me so I could just start over with my life.

Also Iive by country side and I hate so I am planning to move to the city but girl friend wouldn't, she wants me to just go check it out and come back after a year or two. I honestly can't see how this long distance thing can work. So I thought its high time to go our own ways. I am about to break up with her and start a new life. I thought I would be free but now have thus overwhelming grief. Only now I realised that she is the most caring person I have ever been with, even the nagging comes from her good heart. I am so lost, feels like I am making the biggest mistake of my life! But I also know that I will regret if I stayed (I am moving to the city regardless, this path is sealed), I can't sleep and I can't seem to focus (but still doing great at work). I also maintain a fake strong personality to the outside world. I can't even cry when I feel like crying, no tear, nothing. I feel so exhausted.... any suggestions

[Blue_Jay]

Additional information. I am also feeling extremely guilty, when things started to get stale I should have sorted it out with her, or break it our so not to waste her time. She on the other seems to be content just to be with me. I dont want to hurt her, I do care but I must get out of this town, with or without her. I wasn't strong enough to say I wouldn't come back during the past few week. I still harbour the hope that she would chanhe her mind and and come along (unlikely, she hates the citirs) and we can start a new life together. Also the sense of never being able to find someone else. I have start to abuse substances, well not drugs (haven't touched it since a friend died 15 years ago), but heavy coffee (15 cups) and tobacco (2 packs a day) plus I do sport to the point that I break in the hopes of taking my mind off. I am a mess but except a few good friends nobody knows. I put on a strong face and earn good money, people at work like me and sport buddies think I am awesome. But I am not

[geoff]

Hi Jay, welcome to the forum.

It's not an easy decision you had to make, but one that you have made.

In a year or two so much can happen and now what you are suffering from is being alone, and whether the r/ship would be OK if she came to you is unknown, it's now is what we are concerned about.

You say that you would regret it if you stayed and it may take a while for you to get settled, and you don't even know she maybe feeling exactly the same and decide to join you.

Be careful of your fake personality because one day it will become too exhausting, so get the help you need starting from your doctor, talk about how you are feeling.

We are always here to listen to you.

My Best Wishes.

Geoff.

[Blue_Jay]

Thanks for the reply. I do know this fake strong exterior is exhausting. A few close friends know I have a tender side but none are in town (they all left, many traveling tge world, something I do envy, they can just drop stuff and go). I do not know how to deal with that, I am in management and there is sort of an expectation that I remain professional and sort of emotionally detached when dealing with people, stats and facts. I often go home and feel bad about it. So I turn to sport by hammering myself to take my mind off, which further gives the fake exterior as now I am getting lean and mean (I haven't been this fit since 2000s). My girl friend knows my tender side so makes it so much harder to lose her. I am also dying from guilt because I am about to break her heart, I have lied to her for a few week by sorting of implying that I would take my break and come back. But I won't, and she is stubborn as me so highly unlike to move. Even if she does, I am afraid that she may resent the move. I hate (well more like dislike) myself for wasting her time by not sorting out things when the relationship started to get stale (she seems content just to be with me tho), and I didnt have the gut to even consider setting her free and save her from this potentially toxic relationship down the line, I feel selfish... I am a mess