A very warm welcome to you at such a challenging time in your marriage.
As Tony points to, there can be a number of factors involved when it comes to sex drive. What it is, what creates or generates it, what sustains it and what changes it dramatically at times can be just a few areas to wonder about. I think one key question in a relationship, when it comes to sex or intimacy, is 'Are we actually still on the same page?'. Has the perception of it has changed over the years for one partner but not the other? What may have started out as a basic shared highly energetic form of passion in the relationship may have become something completely different for our partner. For them, it may have become more so a form of stress release or a way of simply getting a high or a form of loving bonding, a form of meditation (meditating on the energy that moves through the body during such an energetic exercise), a type of energetic form of relaxation, a form of amusement full of playful laughs or something altogether different. The connection can be lost when 2 people find themselves on a different page.
There's just so much to consider when it comes to this particular form of energetic expression. One factor can be 'What the hell is my or my partner's energy doing and why?'. There can be chemical energy factors in play. When there's a lack of energising amounts of testosterone, dopamine, sertotonin, endorphins, B12 and so much more, that's a vibe that can be hard to get excited about or excited through. Then there's the kind of energy generated through the imagination, which can also influence chemistry. Imagining the same old same old maybe doesn't ignite anything like it used to. Low self esteem and seriously challenging inner dialogue can be a destroyer of energy too. Meds that block certain types of energy production can also be a factor. An enormous list, so I won't go on. Just so much to wonder about.
A significant lack of certain types of excitement (such as sex, for example) can become depressing for some. So, I can understand where you're coming from. This can simply be about how we work on a chemical level. If this is your #1 form of getting high, it can become about a lack of chemical highs, which can lead to natural lows. Releasing that energy yourself (if you get my meaning) or channeling the intense drive into productive creative pursuits, could help give both you and your husband a sense of relief at times. I imagine he may be feeling a bit stressed about the subject and perhaps even a bit down on himself, which wouldn't help matters. It can be nearly impossible for someone to gain the kind of 'high' we may be on when they're feeling nothing but 'down'. Perhaps thinking of things that could give him a high, besides sex, could generate some new kinds of chemistry between the 2 of you and who knows where that could lead. The most important thing could involve the 2 of you discussing what it means to you and whether it's possibly changed meaning in any way. Honest yet thoughtful and considerate communication could be the key to unlocking the way forward. An open mind can also be a handy key to possess, as you both consider the way forward together a little outside the square maybe (to a point that feels mutually respectful and comfortable for the 2 of you) 🙂
