How to keep the spark alive and help my husband.

[Guest_50868964]

Hi all, thanks for reading 🙏

so my husband and I have been married for 16 years this month and been together for 24 years all together. We have 2 beautiful children one who is neurodivergent so life can be challenging and chaotic. 

In the beginning ours was a love story and we really did fall in love, if we were together that’s all that mattered, we didn’t need big holidays or expensive things just each other. Fast forward to house,  marriage, 1  kid then husband changing jobs several times then he decided to have a go at his own business we brought a franchise that (long story short) failed. We had to sell our first home, lots of stress during that time, then  I was pregnant with our 2nd child we moved and rented my poor husband had a breakdown at that time and I was stressed and trying to deal with a new born and toddler and a dog that had multiple surgeries. We got through all that together and life moved on, my husband got a job, we moved to another rental. I started back working…
My husbands work has always been a stress in our marriage, he’s constantly looking at new jobs stays for a few years or quits then wants to go back to his own business then it all gets hard, we need $$ so then he goes back to a job now he wants to go back to his own business again. Don’t get me wrong he has always worked and tried to provide for the family, but he’s all over the place and if I question where/how/when it’s all going to happen he gets annoyed. He just wants to buy a new Ute and start.. well we have been there and it didn’t work last time. 

He has also put on a lot of weight, he used to be around 85kg now is 107kg. I’m slim and into running and healthy eating, last year I started at a run club etc and he was getting funny he wasn’t apart of it but then would say he would come to walk but then didn’t.  I’ve started to make his lunches etc and get him too loose weight but he just keeps having beers and snacking too much (I feel like all my hard work doing his lunches etc is pointless) plus I hate the drinking (I had an alcoholic mother) and don’t drink. He can get short when drinking too. Plus I see the beers/vodkas each night as a waste of our money and I’m becoming really resentful. I try to talk to him about that too but that just ends in, people don’t think like me and if he’s not good enough I should think about if I want to stay as he enjoys a beer and wont stop. In his defence he did drink when I met him it just wasn’t as much and he has changed over the years with stress. 

Because of these things I’m not as in love with him as I once was, the spark and physical attraction is still there a bit but not much. I know he’s tired and works hard but I’m just disappointed in his lack of motivation to look after himself and loose weight and be proactive with working out what he is really doing with his business. I’m tired of trying to help him and not sure what to do? I wish he would get his spark back and grab life with both hands. Thanks for reading 🙏

[Guest_10120]

Hi there! 
You're probably at a point of intimacy where you should be used to these things. You've been supporting your husband all these years with his career progressions: the family he brought most times, financial stress, his health developments, and family duty of your own. There are some valid reasons for your feelings, and it is understandable that you may feel frustrated and disconnected. You can not change that, but then again, open and honest communication, such as counselling, might help. Focus on how you can control your own happiness, boundaries and self-care. You deserve a partnership that feels balanced and fulfilling.

[therising]

A huge warm welcome to you

So much of what you mention sounds so challenging and exhausting and I feel for you so much. While it can be a massive challenge to naturally manage what feels exhausting, what feels stressful or what feels depressing, managing those things with alcohol is a whole different story. As a gal who's an ex regular drinker (using alcohol to manage my challenges and emotions), I acknowledge how it can be easier to drown our sorrows, drink away our fears or stress and escape what feels depressing with the help of what's in a bottle. But at the end of the day this is replacing the skills needed to be able to manage such things naturally, without some mind altering substance that's going to shift our chemistry.

While my husband and I started off as great drinking buddies, more than 25 years ago, he continues to drink to some degree on a daily basis. So I can relate to a partner who's been a drinker from the beginning of the relationship. While drinking may not be a major issue in the beginning of a relationship, it does become and issue as you start to share in the greater challenges in life as a couple and as parents. Not sure if you can relate but I found over the years that I was led to emotionally detach from my husband based on having no choice. When the bigger challenges come up and you need a partner to strategise with, manage challenging emotions with, see the way forward with etc and they're drinking their way through what's challenging, you can end up having to detach and manage a lot of that stuff on your own, based on no choice. When you need a partner to sit with and wonder with, in regard to open minded solutions and ways forward, a semi conscious person ends up not being the person to do that with. Detaching to save your own sanity is also a factor. Again, not sure if you can relate but the need to dis-appoint them from the appointed role of 'Partner in problem solving', 'Partner in feeling the challenges', 'Partner in co-managing life' etc grows. So, what roles are left that they can fill or are willing to fill? Looking back, I can see how with each dis-appointment in my marriage the lack of attraction grew greater and greater. Problem solving, the ability to feel or sense and life management skills are all very attractive qualities in a person. They also happen to end up being the qualities that are developed in the partner of a drinker, out of absolute necessity.

Trying to lead a drinker to see that their liquid solution in a bottle is actually a part of the problem can definitely feel incredibly frustrating. The main problem solver in the relationship, who's solving most of the problems, can lead a drinker to believe the problems get solved whether they drink or not, so their drinking is not really that much of an issue. It's definitely an issue for the main problem solver in the relationship, especially when this way of life becomes exhausting, stressful and even depressing or lonely in some cases. I've found self development, greater self understanding and self love to be 3 of the keys to unlocking the way forward for the partner of a drinker. At some point, the partner who drinks will begin to feel left behind, which can become depressing for them. They'll either work to catch up or sit and drown their sorrows. Working to catch up can come with a lot of natural highs and a greater sense of self esteem. ❤️

[Guest_65584037]

I am currently experiencing the same thing in my marriage.  My husband is a heavy drinker/has gained weight/is stressed. He cannot see that his drinking is impacting on his mental and physical health. This in turn is impacting on our marriage. However the strange thing is he has told me he has lost interest in me which he also told me was my fault. I feel like he makes no effort on our marriage and his spare time is spent at the pub or at home drinking. He sees it as me not letting him do what he wants… 

long story short- not sure what the solution is. Alcohol ruins relationships. 

[therising]

Trying to make sense of how the course of a relationship has played out, through hindsight, can take a long time in some cases. I had one of my biggest all time fast tracking revelations just a couple of days ago. It relates to the idea that life can be lived on 3 levels. If you can imagine a diagram on a piece of paper, start by drawing a horizontal line through the middle of the page. This line represents the ground or a 'grounding' level. Above that are highs and below it are lows or depressions. In a healthy relationship you can both (as little stick figures on the page) be experiencing highs together or enjoying the high life but it's important to come back down to earth occasionally, grounding yourselves in reality and responsibility. For example, you could both be imagining the most amazing things but if you can't afford those amazing things and if they're going to get you into incredibly stressful debt, grounding can sound like 'Let's go back to the drawing board and work together on how we can afford these things in the future'. When one out of the couple is a constant high flyer (imaging all these amazing things) or a constant grounder (imagining only what's safe, easy and comfortable), I think this is where a relationship can run into trouble. It can work the other way too, like when a couple is in a low, it's about finding ways to ground yourselves up and out of that low or depression. The middle ground (that centre line on the page) is a vital point at times. The question can become 'Where does my partner choose to live most of the time, at what level?'.

When a constant high flyer crashes out of their high, for one reason or another, they may dive straight into a depression. There is no middle ground for them until they feel the need for it and manage to develop it. A constant grounder will rarely ever aim for highs or experience highs until they feel a need for them and manage to develop them. What does it look and feel like for the partner of someone who won't develop on a much needed level?

While it sounds like you may be living with a high flyer, who doesn't like to occasionally be brought down to earth in constructive grounding ways, I live with a constant grounder. While I can imagine all these amazing ways forward, my husband refuses to visualise any difference in our life at all. He likes the way things are. We now live this way, with no difference, and we're going to die this way if nothing changes. Living with no difference is not my plan by the way, as it's a depressing way to live. With a regular high flyer who loves living based off their imagination, it can become a matter of 'It's not fair, you're so mean. Why do you have to bring me down (to earth)?!'. The truth is...sometimes we also need to imagine what's grounding and, of course, this is not always going to come with a dopamine hit or feelings of great excitement. It can be damn hard work, being a grounding element in a relationship. It can also be hard work, trying to raise someone to occasionally aim for the stars. While not entirely easy (far from it at times), it can be easier to focus on grounding and raising our self. It can be very rewarding too. 🙂