New daughter in law accuses me of having favourite grandchild

[Nelsum]

I am posting as i feel so alone, dumped and heart broken. My son married 3 weeks ago, my new daughter in law I have known over ten years with some ups and downs. Over the years i have provided financial assistance and help with the grandkids. Recently the accusation of favourtism has surfaced from her, i will admit i have a stronger bond with one than the other. My son can see my side but probably feels obligated to back his wife. I am heart broken and scared i kniw im going into some type if depression and am scared this is a ploy to disconnect me from my son and the children. So lost.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Welcome to the forums Nelsum. This sounds like a tricky situation, and I'm sorry it feels hurtful. I'm not sure where things are at at the moment, but do you think it's possible to get together with your son and his wife and have an open discussion about the situation, so that you can try and get things back on track? I think it's natural to have an affinity with some people over another, but that doesn't mean that we love the other any less. Perhaps mum is feeling a bit protective over the other child's feelings though. Families can be tricky to navigate. Do you think it's possible to have a chat?

Katy

[Croix]

Dear Nelsum~

I do agree with what Katy has said and if talk will resolve the issue that would be great. I also think you are rather perceptive in realizing your son may feel pulled in two directions at the moment and not give you as much support as you might need.

Trying to look at it dispassionately do you think it has been obvious you have bonded more with one than the other? I guess if that's the case is it possible to pay more attention to the other for a while before settling down to a more even-handed approach?

It is never easy to favor all equally, and bonding with one more than another is quite natural if your natures click, but does not sound a good idea for that to be obvious at the moment.

Maybe in addition if not unwelcome might you pay more attention to your DIL.?

As for being 'eased out', it may well be your DIL feels somewhat insecure right now as new aspects to relationships evolve after the marriage, I guess maybe give it time?

Please do come back and continue to discuss this tricky and saddening situation

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Nelsum, and a warm welcome to the site.

You have provided financial support for your grandkids and they should appreciate this, just as I have, to my two granddaughters and never regret it as I love them dearly and I'm sure exactly the same happens for you, but what is not taken into account is that one grandkid may need more love and support for whatever reason that maybe, which your DIL may not take into account and can't address this issue herself and begrudged you doing it.

Your son may notice it and agrees with you, but to keep the peace at home needs to agree with his wife, that doesn't necessarily mean he's not supporting you when his wife isn't with you, he just keeps silent.

Your son isn't going to disconnect you, he's only going to be tactful in what he says and how he behaves, but if you feel this may happen, then please contact the links Sophie has provided as well as your doctor, remember they too maybe a grandparent and in exactly the same position.

If you need to see your grandkids, maybe you could do so when your DIL isn't with you, I know that's what my ex does when visiting our granddaughters, as she tells me it's less stressful.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.