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Anxious About Intercourse

Community Member

About 20 years ago I had a accident that left me with altered sensations during sex, when I spoke to my GP about it, it was dismissed as a good thing I could last longer, I felt emasculated, but got on with it and found ways to cope. Foreplay was important as I've aged my libido has decreased my fear of pain has paralysed me sexually.

I have used soft porn to help build up my ability but this doesn't work anymore.

So basically I haven't had sex in 3 years.... this has hung heavy with my wife, I snuggle her in bed and even try to get intimate but I just cant... I love hugging her and being close, but she constantly questions my devotion and looks for signs I am unfaithful.

Yesterday she found an intimate video on my laptop and has told me she doesn't want anything to do with me any more...I am totally devoted to her... and now I feel I have little left to live for. I am emasculated in pain unable to get a job and unable to make my wife happy... Last night I felt I needed to suicide....didn't want to but had to... I have sort help one response was a joke the other was you have a duty as a husband... I just don't know how to get the help I need. I need to overcome the fear of pain and the fear of disappointing my wife during sex.

3 Replies 3

Hey Guest 7535,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing with us your experiences with sexual anxiety. We can imagine this is something a lot of people experience at differing levels. We're very sorry to hear of the pain this has caused you and the dismissal of your emotions from friends and your doctor. Please know there are many lovely and supportive people here on the forums who might be able to provide you with some useful information on how you can tackle this issue. 

Can we ask if you are still receiving mental health support? Please do feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you feel would be beneficial.

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it. 


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi there

Welcome to the forums. I'm really sorry you sought help, only for it to be really inappropriate. I've not always had the best experiences myself when help seeking over the years, and have had to try multiple times. If there are other options for help seeking near you, I wonder if you might give it another go? Professionals should really be taking you seriously and not imparting judgement either. I'm sorry you've had that experience.

Within your relationship, I imagine the situation is difficult for both of you. Is it something you've been able to discuss previously? The more honest you can both be about what's happening for you, the better you'll be able to work through it.

Sending kind thoughts, Katy

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi and welcome to the forums.

firstly, I am sorry to read of the experience you had when telling others about the issue(s) you have. And can understand why you might hesitate to tell anyone else.

I second the idea from Katy about being honest about what has been or is happening to you. And that would include the use of soft porn. I would hope she might accept what you are saying, even if not liking it. I hope that makes sense. And talking about it with her might help overcome the thoughts your wife has about you looking elsewhere.

Lastly, and I don't know what "intimate" means to you, so perhaps you might want to tell me a little more about that. There are many possibilities and I would think that by involving your wife in this journey you might find a solution that works for both of you.