Hi AdsR
I feel for you so very much, I really do. While my babies are now 23 and 20 years old, I don't believe I'll ever fully forget how intensely challenging the early years were. While the general consensus amongst parents who've been through it is 'It's not easy', sometimes that can be the understatement of the century. While in hindsight I can see how it all played out back in the day (raising my babies), hindsight doesn't really help when you're in the thick of what feels like various degrees of mental and emotional torture with some physical torture thrown in for good measure (regarding the sleep deprivation).
Not sure if it will help to know but I'll share of little of what I learned
- Well meaning people who believe they're helping can become depressing if you're not careful. Sometimes they may as well be saying 'What I'm going to do it bring the harsh and brutal critic in you to life. Let me just start downloading that mental program for you with 'You need to try harder. You're just not trying hard enough'' Hmmm🤔
- Parents/partners have to be on the same page with the kind of communication that's going to really put the relationship to the test. Honesty with emotions is a biggy. Whether it's 'I can feel your Mum/Dad seriously putting me to the test. I need for us to manage this in some way that works for the both of us (boundary setting)', 'I feel like I can't emotionally cope at the moment, how about you?', 'I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Do you feel a little the same?' and stuff along those lines. Checking in with each other and problem solving together is far better than leaving each other to work things out
- A clearly defined structure for what's basically a new lifestyle is a must. If I had my time again, I would have drawn up such a thing and stuck it to the fridge. There's no hoping your partner will come to the rescue, there's no wishing you could get more sleep, there's no guessing who's going to do the cooking etc. Everything's structured to run like clockwork but, of course, babies just love throwing a spanner in the works so flexibility is key. I think the best thing about some form of structure is being able to see when you're due to get a break. There has to be some set times to look forward to, otherwise there can be little to look forward to. It's about what works for everyone. Btw, it never works well for the person taking on most of the responsibility
- A far from perfect set of circumstances can be mentally and emotionally challenging and even depressing, depending on the circumstances. A depressing level of sleep deprivation's depressing. A depressing lack of ability to breast feed can be depressing. Well meaning people who are leading you to feel like you're not a good parent can become depressing, as mentioned etc etc. Not a lot of people talk about this kind of stuff
- While I could go on, I'd say the #1 most important thing to keep in mind and this will save your sanity is...it doesn't last forever (although it may feel like it's going to at the time). The baby eventually sleeps for longer, giving you more of a break. You're not always going to be changing nappies, thank god. Bottles will become a thing of the past at some point and so on
As a mum looking back, I can tell you that if a complete stranger came to live in my house one day and on a daily baisis cried about how tired they were, cried about how hungry they were, cried about how uncomfortable they felt and cried about a whole stack of other things, I'd want to scream. If they significantly changed the relationship I had with my partner to the point of stress and major emotional challenge, I'd feel seriously agitated. If they tested my patience, my tolerance levels, my ability to adapt and they lacked any form of co-operation, I think I'd go insane. Such is parenthood, so far from easy it can be enough to make you cry at times. On the flip side, your child/children shape you into the most adaptable, flexible, capable, patient, open minded and amazing person. As teachers, they start teaching us how to change from day one. As students, it's definitely a learning process for us. Some lessons can be seriously tough and tormenting, for sure.
