Can this be fixed?

[Guest_23252614]

I found some online orders my husband had bought after something had been delivered and I had accidentally opened them.  It was "sex coins".  I then found evidence of some pills and some cologne to make him more attractive to women.  I had a discussion with him over these items and he said it was silly.  I asked him if he had already found or was actively looking for someone else and he said no.  We got over this over the next day or so and it was our anniversary that was difficult as were hardly speaking.  I found a website where he had been looking for women in the local area to "hook up" with for casual sex.  That night when I went to bed, I woke him and asked him what that was about but he just went back to sleep.  When he woke, I asked him again and he said it was stupid and he never intended to do anything about it.  He works away so it's hard to continue these discussions when he's not at home but my trust has been shattered.  We hadn't been intimate  regularly and I told him I had body issues as I've gained weight and I don't know whether this has driven him to do this but he's always been a regular watcher of porn and has some awfully explicit things on his phone.  I asked him to delete the site from his phone where the "hook ups" were but I've now found another dating site that he was on that I didn't know about and this is still active.  I don't know if I can get over this as it's devasting to find out the things he been looking at and for.  He's gone back to site and I don't know if I can trust him being on site either.

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. If you look around you will find many women who have been in similar situations and how they coped, some by staying in the relationship, and some by leaving. In many cases it was circumstances or children that were the deciding factors.

Please excuse me for being blunt however I think you deserve it. Your husband has acquired a kit of things to promote an intimate relationship wiht a stranger. A coin to act as an invitation, cologne to seem attractive and pills (though you do not specify which).

In addition he has been looking on local sites rather than general international ones, for someone to be with at least for sex. From your account he is very interested in porn and I think this adds up to an actual intent to be unfaithful, if it has not happened already. In that case this raises the unpleasant idea of being tested for STDs.

Sadly his interest has not led to greater intimacy with you. Instead he has minimized the matter and keeps on sites even when asked not to. No respect or consideration for how you feel.

I guess it is remotely possible this is all fantasy, however it seems too complete. 

You could try couples counceling to see if there is any way he may acknoledge he has a problem, values your relationship and would seek treatment for his obsession. If you go down that path I'd suggest Relationships Australia, or if they do not have a center near you might recommend one that is.

While there should be a reason for his activities it may in fact be nothing to do with you, your dissatisfaction with your looks or your behavior. It could well be something from his early past that started this off.

Treatment can be difficult and normally does involve an expert psychologist or psychiatrist for possible therapy and medication plus the partner in giving encouragement and praise, and accepting slips and recoveries. Not an easy life. Trust has been broken and for him to regain it, if that were possible, would take a great deal of his effort over a long period of time.

If you would like to come back here and talk more that would be great, you are in a heart-breaking and difficult position. Talk can be good rather than going it alone. Do you have a family member or friend you can have frank discussions with, not to fix things but simply to show care.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I realise the mix of emotions you must be feeling in such devastating circumstances and am simply popping in to see how you are getting on and if you have a need to talk. I have found on other situations it is extra hard dealing with  things on your own

Croix

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly stressful and heartbreaking time in your life.

Croix offers many a wise word. It does sound as though porn alone is no longer enough for your husband and he's taking things to the next level and is beginning to act on his fantasies. He's actively acquiring things to attract women. Imagining is one thing, acting on what we imagine is a whole other ball game.

For me, if it was my own marriage, the deepest hurt would be based on how easily my husband's dismissing my upset, my concern and my heartbreak by not wanting to discuss things. With me having come to define disappointment from others as 'them dis-appointing themself from roles I'd appointed them', there is just so much disappointment you're facing at this time in your life. If the roles you appointed your husband in the relationship involve honesty, respect, deep consideration and trustworthiness, I imagine you're feeling him dis-appointing himself from these roles through his actions. I suppose the question comes down to 'What level or degree of disappointment are you prepared to feel before demanding an open and honest discussion where your husband doesn't shut it down in a way the works for him?'. Another valid question, one I've come to ask in my own marriage, is 'What roles is my husband actually willing to accept in the relationship?'. If the appointed and accepted roles are few and far between, it's time to seriously re-evaluate the relationship if your goal is to save your own sanity.