Need relationship advice

[Malto2001]

My boyfriend and I still live at home with parents, we are both 22 years old, I’m only allowed to have 1 sleep over a week at his house because that’s just what his parents allow, where as he can stay with me as much as he wants to, although he says he doesn’t like sleepovers. Am I being dramatic when I get upset that he doesn’t want to spend the night with me? We will have our one sleep over a week at his house and when I ask him to come sleep at mine he usually says No or when I say I miss him he says that it’s fine I’ll see him soon ect. But for me sleepovers are almost a need ? I almost cry every-time he says no to coming over or sleeping over. I am also always the one asking or begging but he says he likes his alone time, which is fair enough I completely understand but I can’t help comparing my relationship to others seeing my friends sleeping over with their boyfriend all the time, and it’s not like we’re kids. I don’t think he sees sleepovers as important but for me they are and I’m not sure if that’s just me being dramatic, needy and clingy? I have had this discussion with him and sometimes when I have anxiety and just want to be with him I’ll ask him to come over because he makes me feel better but he says that he can’t always be there for me and he can’t be the one I always lean on for help, which I also understand but sometimes I just want him here with me. 

[Croix]

Dear Malto2001~

Welcome back. As far as I can see it is perfectly natural for two people that are in a relationship to want ot be together a lot -and that includes 'sleepovers'. So I don't think you are being dramatic, needy or clingy. in the slightest.

In fact it may be that by not having an easy time at home it would make being with a special person even more desirable. That does go both ways though as if your mother is so difficult to get on with that might make anyone more reluctant to stay at your place.

I do find it a bit unusual that your BF's parents limit your sleepovers to once a week. Do you have any idea why they are not more relaxed about things ?

OCD can be a hard thing to live with, and that may have some bearing on his reluctance too, though I'd have thought if he enjoyed your company he's make every effort to be with you rather than seeming to distance himself as he does.

While it is good you can discuss the matter with him it does seem to show reluctance and also maybe not showing as much care for your feelings as some might, putting everything back on you by saying needy, and by also saying he can't be the one you depend on. In an equal relationship each depends on the other, it is a partnership.

I guess all hte time you remain a student with a limited budget making you sty at home  you may not be able to explore the relationship in ideal settings.

I do hope he becomes closer

Croix

[Bee1998]

Hey Malto2000, 

I used to be able to relate to what you’re saying. I know how confusing and hurtful it feels for your partner to not want to stay over, especially if it’s only once a week! 

Some things you should consider: 

1. Does he have a porn addiction and that’s why he is refusing to stay over at yours?
2. Is he seeing someone else?
3. Has he got controlling parents? Maybe they’re stopping him from staying over,. Especially if his mum is super clingy and attached to him, then she’s probably getting in his ear.

They are all worst case scenarios obviously, but you should still look for red flags…

It sounds like your partner has an Avoidant attachment style, meaning he pushes partners away because he is afraid of intimacy and getting too close to you. This in itself is a red flag, as from what you’ve mentioned, you have an anxious attachment style. These two attachment styles clash (not to say you can’t work out in time), but I would be considering protecting yourself and focusing on you / looking for another partner down the track 

Hope I helped in some way. 
- B xx