Narcissistic wife

[Behere]

I have posted under the title overwhelmed but I really want to write about Narcissism because I think it might be helpful to anyone else who feels they are locked in a narcissistic relationship and it will help me clarify my thoughts 

Firstly I am aware of the criticism around the word Narcissism to me the word is a shorthand for describing a group of behaviours that I believe my wife expresses I am not a professional I just wish to share my lived experience.

I will describe some of her behaviour There are events that really stand out in my mind as particularly cruel and demonstrate a lack of any ability to express empathy and then there are the everyday interactions that often seem too trivial to mention but these follow a pattern and are just as destructive possibly more destructive because they are easier to excuse or blame yourself for, they fly under the radar.

These examples may seem vindictive and you may think I am getting back at my wife in some way I want to say that non of these events have come out of for example infidelity or massive arguments this is the background noise if you like of our relationship.

One of many examples i could list is fairly recently i came out of hospital after a abdominal operation my wife had to pick me up because of the anaesthetic we drove straights from the hospital to the school There are two routes to the school one down a road with about eight speed humps I asked my wife if she could take the other route she ignored me and ignored the obvious pain I was in every time we drove over the speed hump we picked my daughter up and then despite me telling her how much pain I was in drove back the same way. Our relationship is punctuated with events like this that express a complete lack of empathy care and compassion for another human being 

The everyday events are more like finding out what is important to you what are your core beliefs and then going about trying to undermine them for example if you value truth and openness in a relationship to portray you as a lier My wife knows I like deserts so now if I ever refuse a desert when offered it is proof that I am a lier and nothing I say can be trusted. I have always had pets in my life and would never be cruel to any animal at Christmas the cat was about to climb into the Christmas trees so I grabbed it and pulled it out from behind the tree my wife said do not hit the cat you have a really cruel streak in you. The examples are endless 

Thanks behere

i will continue the post 

[Steve007]

Watch and read everything "Chase Hughes". The key to deal with such people...

All over YouTube and the like. Turned on soooo many light bulbs for for me.
I still these use principles today to deal with such people. Just remember the prompt - F.O.G.

[white knight]

I believe narcissism is the most difficult thing a spouse has to deal with. Since 1996 when I left my first wife that emotionally abused me ive been aware of the damage she did to my self esteem. Then after 2010 when my youngest turned 18 I felt free. No longer did I need to consult my ex about visits, extra expenses or careers. In that 14 years she'd spoken down to me and often said "but I'm the mother" pulling rank.

But also during that period she'd remarried to a nice guy. One day he approached as I dropped my girls off. "I'm having issues with her" he said. He listed them, exact same issues I'd had. I felt vindicated but I couldn't help him. They divorced. 

Im not religious either but since 1987 I've watched YouTube videos (cassettes in the early days) of Prem Rawat Maharaji. Here's my favourites-

Sunset

All is well

The perfect instrument

The power that we have

Now many years later I do divide people into two categories- the people that I can easily tolerate and those that I cannot. Avoiding the latter brings peace.

"A sunset lasts two hours- have you ever seen a sun...set"? -Maharaji

TonyWK 

[Behere]

ThanksTonyWK for sharing your experience 
The strategies Narcissists use are interesting I feel what unites them is the systematic attempt to undermine your sense of who you are to create confusion, to make you question your motivations to create chaos and confusion because from the chaos they create they can feel they are in control.It feels like your wife wants to punish you with her silence I have also wondered what have I done that you behave like this to me. 

There is no answer because you have done nothing it is another way to make you question yourself 

I am unsure if narcissistic supply is a form of control .
Thanks for sharing your experience for your wife to remain silent for weeks must be so destructive to your relationship how do your children understand this.

I worry about my daughter I really don’t know what she thinks she protects herself by remaining silent.

My wife uses a different strategy but I think the results are just as destructive so she will continue a monologue talking endlessly about herself until she said something so offensive that I will respond and get drawn into a argument the tone is all ways aggressive 

She is a lesson in passive aggression 

My daughter eating disorder to me is linked directly to this dynamic. My daughter response is to say if you do not stop talking I will not eat

My daughters whole eating disorder is contained and can be understood in that one sentence.

[white knight]

I have 2 children my eldest that I'm close to and the younger I dont see at all. This is relevant behere. 

I left the family home after a suicide attempt due to the treatment I was getting...1996 after 11 years married. My kids then 7 and 4yo. I hoped that my ex wife would treat the kids well and I had them every second weekend etc. My eldest when she reached 12yo left them and lived with me. I didnt know for some time that her mother treated her the same as she treated me with silence and cruelty. My eldest still visited her mother through my encouragement but at 17yo stopped and I realized why. From then on she didnt contact her mother at all, she's now 36yo and my wife is now "mum".

My youngest? well at 14yo she rang me and told me "I dont want to see you anymore"- devastating words. I continued financial commitments including thousands for her jaw operations/teeth. During her 20's she was treating me like her mother used to. Message me on Facebook, be nice then block me for no reason, as if she was on a fact finding mission. She would never give me her address nor phone number. This was torment and the last time she did that in 2020 after 10 days of promises to start fresh it was the end game for me, it was cruel. I had no option for my sanity but to block her and go no contact. It still is tough but my mental health is the most important. 

So my youngest followed her mother in nature, she had her genes and she learned from the master. There is zilch you can do about that. My eldest doesnt have anything to do with her sister either- why? because as children she also put up with her sisters cruelty. 

So where are we now? Well considering my mother (dec 2025) and sister are manipulators and triangulators (brings in family members to gang up) I dont see my sister. I dont see my youngest. I have zero contact with their mother. All these non contact people are gone from my life but... I'm etter for it regardless of the sense of loss. As I've previously said, the only sure action you can take against narcissism is separation. The spots wont change. Having these people in society is part of life, nothing you can do about it. The old saying- minimalise the fallout by accepting you have no control over other peoples actions rings true.

I'm enjoying the chat, helpful also to many other readers.

TonyWK

[Steve007]

Awesome to see you back posting Behere! I must say i notice a upward inflection in your wording. Little 'right or wrong' rather a shift toward an 'objective' analysis with and open mind. I wrote a 2 page version of this, but suffice it to say you have started a journey to remove negative input from your life. Those negative only hurt you. Keep going!!

[Behere]

Hi Steve007, TonyWK, and therising

I just wanted to thank you for all your support 

It has helped me to know I am not the only person going through this. I will probably never meet you all in person but I feel a real bond with you all. That I am walking down the same path that you have walked down.

 I will probably stop posting at least for a while I have a meeting with a couples councillor and need to put into place steps towards seperating from my wife if I can do that while protecting my daughter. It is easy to say that on paper harder to do in reality but that is where my focus is 

i need to stop raking over the past and try to forgive but never forget.

I would like to get back to you and have some good news to share but until then thanks again for all your support and kind words 

behere

[white knight]

Great that you've found support here. You are free to come and go, thats the beauty if this site plus this thread helps others that we never know the spread we achieve.

"Knowledge and awareness is the key to confident action"

TonyWK 

[Steve007]

“Knowledge is power…”
Drop in anytime @behere

stay well
🙏