FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Narcissistic traits or am I crazy?

Sunflower_xx
Community Member

Hiya. Newbie here.

back story- have been together for 10(ish) years. 2 children. Not married. Hes not home a lot (works long days). No shared finances. Nothing to my name.

i am currently in a pretty depressed state at the moment so it’s hard to get it all out.

i feel as though I’ve done a lot and adapted my life to suit his. I’ve lost many friends because of my decisions. I try and be interested in things that he’s interested in (cars,gaming,racing...)

I could tell you his favourite colour or favourite food or anything you want to know about him. But he couldn’t tell you what my interests are or what my favourite band is.

i struggle to talk to him about my depression/anxiety because I never know how he will respond. He once told me to get over it and stop thinking like that. So I REALLY struggle to open up to him when I get down.

ive been unable to work full time since my youngest was born (due to her ongoing health troubles) and I rely on carers payments from Centrelink to pay my debt/bills. because I work casually my payments Get reduced. My employer didn’t pay me for the last 2 weeks of work, so basically I have nothing but .62c in my bank account (I live pay check to pay check) and we don’t share finances.

most days he doesn’t greet me when he comes home, but is happy to complain about all the things I didn’t do throughout the day. he is so negative and will complain at the slightest inconvenience.

we only have sex when he wants it. Even when I’ve tried initiating it he rejects me.

what the heck am I doing wrong?
how do I get over the fear of talking to him? how do I tell him I’m struggling without being afraid of his reaction?

i need a little motivation today. I haven’t gotten out of bed yet. How can I pick myself up?

5 Replies 5

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Sunflower_xx~

I'd like to welcome you here. It takes a fair degree of desperation or courage (or both) to make a first post, particularly one as detailed as yours. I'm glad you did as you are in need and I'm sure it is going to help.

Taking everything you have said into account I'm afraid you are asking the wrong question "what the heck am I doing wrong? "

Better to ask "what he is doing wrong?" It is a sad fact that if one is badly treated one can come to the stage of thinking that it is one's own fault. I don't know why, but it is very common even though in fact the fault lies with the abuser. One sees oneself as responsible - which is untrue.

You have painted a clear picture of a relationship that is completely out of balance in every way. There is isolation from friends, no financial support even when you are broke. There is no sex unless it is on his terms, perhaps more importantly there is no support when you are struggling with depression and anxiety - quite the reverse, you are casually dismissed.

You are not even greeted, just taken for granted.

This is a process that ends up with one in total control and the other an obedient servant who has not got the self-confidence to leave or even set boundaries.

Your life is one of constantly being put down and devalued, small wonder you want to stay in bed.

You may think my view of your situation is a little extreme, can I suggest you give 1800Respect - 1800 737 732 - a ring and talk over your situation with them? They can give you an unbiased perspective based on countless family matters and will be able to discuss your options realistically and sensibly.

Do you have any support? Family or friends who you can talk to and want to help you? It can make a real difference if you do. A little awkward to start a conversation but often well worth it.

I'd also ask if I may if you have medical support for your anxiety and depression? I never improved until I did.

You asked in your subject line - am I crazy? NO you are not, you are simply being beaten down by selfish cruelty.

Please come back and talk some more

Croix

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Sunflower_xx, thanks for posting your comment and what Croix has said is spot on.

Your partner is emotionally controlling you, even when he wants to be intimate, that's being dominant and not how any marriage or relationship should function.

The other worry is the 2 children and who makes the decisions regarding their upbringing, education, clothes, friends and the list goes on, because if you decide on something, then does it change when your partner says it should, that's going to confuse them as well as cause a disagreement between you and him.

Can I also suggest you talk with your GP who may offer a mental health plan, which entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions.

Take care.

Geoff.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Sunflower_xx

Oh, how much I want to give you a massive hug!

In my opinion, I believe your partner to be incredibly lazy and self focused in the relationship. Yes, pretty harsh. He's possibly hard working in the job he gets paid to do but outside of that his efforts are seriously questionable.

He will not rise to the challenge of helping you through mental challenges. He will not rise to the challenge of investing in your personal interests or in sharing a bank account. He will not rise to the challenge of noticing all you achieve throughout the day. He does not rise to the challenge in working out ways to work up to relaxed activity at the end of the day, which includes the relaxed activity that can be shared during the intimacy you crave. He does not rise to the challenges of overcoming small inconveniences. Your husband seriously does not like a challenge by the sound of it. Wouldn't be surprised if you occasionally hear something like 'I work hard all day, I expect to relax when I get home. I don't want drama!'

You, on the other hand, are an absolute legend when it comes to rising to challenges. I'm sure he's given you thousands of challenges over the years and you've probably risen to a majority of them. You really are a (thoroughly exhausted) legend!

Sunflower, sounds like your partner's sense of comfort comes down to your deprivation and this is undeniably soul destroying. You're a beautiful soul who deserves to be raised to a sense of peace, fulfillment, happiness and so much more. You should not be put down or kept down by him or anyone else. Would I be right in imagining you're also a little bored out of your brain, doing pretty much everything his way? You deserve to be excited back to life, perhaps another challenge he isn't facing.

Now, don't know if this is your cup of tea but have you given any consideration to relaxing your efforts? If you don't want to dust the house, don't. If he says 'You're a bad housekeeper', you could always say 'No, I'm a relaxed one'. Or if he says 'Come watch this car show with me', your response could be 'Can't, I'm focused on something more exciting'. You could get to know yourself as someone who has the freedom to make her own choices, as opposed to 'she who must always make the effort to please'. Is he worth the one sided effort? Personally, as a mum, I find my kids offer way more than my husband in the happiness and adventure department. We love raising each other.

Stay beautiful 🙂

Thanks for commenting Geoff.

i honestly appreciate it.

as for the kids, he makes the decisions and I foot the bill...

especially when it comes to education. There was NO choice For me in what school she went to, private school.
Im totally ok with it, what I’m not ok with is paying the school fees on my own (2.5k Mark per year) luckily I am able to get school card. But I don’t work full time, nor have I worked full time since our youngest was born as she has Some pretty nasty medical issues (has had them since around 12 weeks old, has been the main cause of my deteriorating mental health)

I really appreciate you taking the time to write all of that information for me.

i have been hesitant to reach out to friends about it because I know they have their own issues... the trouble being most of them come to me for help... I only have a small group of friends and I’m not feeling very connected to them lately unfortunately.

i was previously on medication for a few different things, but it was turning into a bit of a pill cocktail. It affected my weight, hair and skin, so it was kinda making me feel worse. I have found that the gym has been the best medicine.

i was getting help through a councillor, however, I was then told off because he didn’t want people outside of our relationship to know our issues. So I had to stop.

it was a fairly standard night for me, he must have had a bad night at work. I wasn’t greeted, but steamrolled with questions about the random car sitting out the front (which I had NO idea about)