Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Narcissistic Partner - Will it ever change

Community Member
Hey Guys.
I'm just going to give a little background info. I've been dating my partner for about five years now, we have been on and off. I didn't understand why we were always fighting over silly things. Until one day she told me she has been diagnosed with narcissism personality disorder (and BPD and others). I've done some research into this so i can understand it better and of course after i did this, things made more sense. However i stuck around to see improvements for then everything to fall apart just as quick. I was on a roller coaster and i still am. I never ever feel like i am heard, on a serious level. I'm always making her upset with little things. I can see myself changing as a person in a negative way. I'm angry alot more often, i'm very frustrated and often feel depressed. All this unresolved "baggage" we never can overcome, (its always just forgotten about) is seriously taking a toll. I try to move out back with family which proves to be also another detriment to my mental health as all my childhood traumas are in the same house. ( I went through the foster care system until age 21) I'm in debt and am struggling to save so i can move out on my own but i then wonder is that going to be good for me? Being alone? I just don't know how to manage the interactions with her anymore, i have so much underlying anger that it doesn't take much before i "shut down" and "dis-engage". I find that i seclude myself a lot now in my own room. (yes we have separate rooms). Ive suggested couples counselling to no avail. I'm at my wits end. We are not "together" at the moment and perhaps i now dont want to be, which breaks my heart but i have tried and been so patient, its now at the expense of myself and my mental health. Please help. Maybe give me some reinforcement? Any response will be appreciated.

1 Reply 1

Community Member

I haven't had experience of this in a romantic context.

But when I entered therapy everything I had experienced when I was little was given a name. I was useless at science and had never read about the psychology of it. I didn't know what NPD was. I think what is a problem is that ppl throw that word around and it has lost its meaning. For ppl living it, it's meaning is very real

All I can say is that you have probably read about the psychology of 'the other', about their experience, but I am telling you that a lot will be missing from what you read - mainly that it does not discuss the dynamic.

You may want to break up with your partner but when/if you do, you will realise that central to them feeling whole is the dynamic of a relationship in which they are the dominant partner/friend/sibling/parent.

They cannot survive without someone. It can tip over into the relationship becoming addictive and if the other partner behaves in counter ways that feed the addictive nature that dynamic becomes almost impossible for both of them to break free from.

If I was in your siutation I would separate and ask for evidence that she is committed to treatment. If there's no committment to treatment, and you stay, you may end up finding yourself becoming entralled in a situation where the dynamic of the relationship actually makes you both sick. It sounds like you're already half way there.