Narc mum

[Samvv]

I think my mother is really selfish and jealous of me.

Im pregnant with my first child, left the father due to ongoing abuse and just got through a heavy month waiting for a restraining order, as he had become really troublesome.

I have had to move 6 times in the first trimester, was in a refuge and was having constant severe migraines, the stress was exhausting and put me in hospital twice. I'm just in my third tri now and my mother said I could move back home.

Shortly after she started to nag at me about little things like my washing on the line or how I'm going to burn my toast which I never have.

Then she started bossing me to cook for my dad every night, doesn't ask even thank me now it's just expected. She buys the food and tells me off if I don't eat it, even if I don't like it.

She tries to compete with me if dad compliments my food. She puts me down and starts telling me off all the time. I try to do nice things to help her out lie walking the dog so it doesn't poop inside, and she's completely dismissive and ungreatful. She argues with me about anything and everything, then blames me.

She makes underhanded comments about my weight, what I eat, my money and constantly compares me to others and ridicules my hobbies.

She backstab my father as soon as he leaves the room.

I don't want her in my life and am on my last nerve. I've already tried to talk to her in the past nicely, she plays the victim tells me she wishes she had aborted me and tells my dad I'm trouble causing rifts between us.

She tries to dress me like her, and makes constant jealous comments about my weight and size of my baby. if I say no and tell her to stop spending money, she guilt trips me and back stabs me but also tells people im too dependant on her, I'm not at all and feel she tries to make me so she can put me down.

Im beginning to hate her.

She made a comment about family's who take custody of daughters kids the other day and demanded that it does happen as if a threat. She told me my ex contacted her online and wouldn't confirm if she's blocked him which were police orders as he's under AVO.

She got upset and vindictive when I wouldn't let HER name my only son!

i don't want her in my life at all but if I try to speak up I will be homeless again. I'm 35 have had a really hard time lately and really need her to back off before I end up sick again.

There is 3.5 months to go before I can afford to move out. She gets worse by the day

I can't take it anymore 😢

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I fully understand and I’m sorry but the few things you can do in this situation is move out.

To day my mother is the same is an understatement and I did try for decades , finally when I reached 54yo I broke contact- it was 10 years ago.

You might be very interested in an article written by Dr Christine Lawson. Google this

Queen witch hermit waif

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[Guest909]

Hi Samvv

Ultimately, you will have to move out as soon as you can; the situation will only get worse.

You didn't say a lot about your dad; is he supportive; is he someone that you can turn to for help. If yes, he might be the key to your sanity while living at home.

I'm guessing your dad has the same problem that you have; your mother. The only difference is, he can't move out, but you can when you are ready.

Just a few thoughts!

[Samvv]

Hi thanks for the thoughts. I would move out but really can't afford to right now. Rent is so expensive. It was cheaper in my home town, but the person with the AVO lives there and was stalking me for months.

There really isn't anything I can do to get out earlier, housing waiting lists are huge because of the bushfires. And I already called DHS, they said there is a huge waiting list, years long.

Im still in counselling and it's coming along great until I have to confront her.

I think I will cut her out once I get out. I've only been here two months and have a good relationship with my dad, when she's not home.

He knows this is going on and does try to defend me but she threatens him too.

I know I can't change her. I'm still in shock that this is who she is.

[Samvv]

Hi, yeah Mum and Dad have had years of hidden marital problems.

They fight a lot and Dad often spends all day avoiding her. He can be very bad tempered too especially if he drinks, but since I asked him to stop drinking (I'm worried about his health) he hasn't for over a month.bim really proud of him, but she continues to berate him saying it won't last.

I know I've got to leave and I will. She won't come and see me or call, she never has and I'm glad of that so, realising this makes coping with 3 months a bit easier.

I think she's always been jealous that I'm closer to my dad, but it's not deliberate I just find him interesting and we have more in common. He doesn't mind who I am, but she's always putting me down.

He says she's very jelous of me and that hurts.

I feel kind of like she has some sense of entitlement to my child and after all I've just been through with the ex and still have to face, to have to deal with a controlling nasty mother is just so grinding.

Thanks for the reply, I feel better just being able to say something.

I have tried talking to others and they say I should show her compassion, but I can't bring myself to do that on top of everything right now.

[white knight]

I still get the “You should show compassion because she’s your mother” comments

My answer to that is- “only the children of s narcissistic mother know what it’s like to be her child”

The narcissistic parent befriends others as a tool against there enemies.

This is all explained in the topic

Queen witch hermit waif

worth googling

TonyWK

[Samvv]

I just googled Queen Witch Hermit Waif, and wow that is very helpful.

Borderline runs on my mother's side of the family, my cousin said she has it and I believe her sister may have as well.

My aunt I as going through a terrible time with them both. Thank you for sharing this with me and relating too. Sometimes in my life I have felt my lack of healthy relationship to my mother has left a massive hole, but I'm ready to fill it now and walk away. I can't fix this.

[white knight]

Hi Samvv

You might be interested in this

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-...

or use the search above and put in-

emotional blackmail- likely extreme BPD

TonyWK

[Guest909]

Hi Samvv

You don't owe your mother anything. Just keep that in mind!

My wife had a similar experience with an abusive narc mother, it scared her for life and ultimately it destroyed our 30+ year marriage. My wife ended up turning into the very person she despised the most; her mother.

I would agree with your observation that mental health problems run in families; it certainly was a problem that ran back many generation in my wife's family. It might be genetic or environmental, passing from parent to child.

In the meantime, you have your dad. Try and build on that relationship. I think he needs you just as much as you need him.

[white knight]

Hi Mr Paul

Sound advice in your posts and I’m sure they are appreciated

In my case in my earlier life prior to 1992 when my father died, our mother used our father as a weapon. He was scared of her and she knew he was her greatest weapon.

In 1989 I’d spent 12 months away from my mother and my father refused to have any contact with me as he believed it was being disloyal. But I told him “if I don’t see eye to eye with my mother- why should I lose my father also?

The problem is: narcissists use people as easily manipulative tools to achieve an end purpose- to win a dispute.

Countless family breakups resulted in reuniting then all would be ok for a year or two until her focus would change from other relatives to me or my sister. The merry go round had to stop permanently and so it did by my sister and I breaking off all contact with her. She is now 89yo.

Our mother has favourites. Her nephew and grand daughter (she has told us) is her favourites. Both of them are “the golden children” that have no idea what it’s liked to be owned by her, dominated and emotionally abused.

Breaking off contact is the only way towards peace.

TonyWK