my wife truly despises me and has no tolerance for my depression

Luttes · ‎03-10-2014

Been reading about it for years, been diagnosed with it now, been lurking this forum and others for months, been trying to ride the tide and not drown.

Now I don't know what's left. Now I believe that my wife truly despises me and has no tolerance for my condition, for my illness. Realistically, the only thing that has stopped me from topping myself is my two boys. Aside from that, I feel like a walking, breathing curse, like I'm good for nothing. My step-daughter hates me as well and naturally has supported her mother kicking me out of the bedroom. I've tried so hard to apologise to all involved and it means nothing to any of them. I thought my meds were working, but knowing how much my wife holds me responsible for everything that has gone wrong in her life - as though I deliberately planned it - there's nothing to help me through this.

The one person I want to comfort me refuses to. I can't stop hating myself.

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geoff · ‎11-10-2014

dear Luttes, this is so upsetting for you, but you can challenge any divorce she may proceed with as I could have done, but for me I didn't see any point because it wouldn't have changed her attitude towards me, we would be back to square one.

At the moment it's going to hurt, but it won't stop you from seeing your boys.

Can I say and I know that what I do isn't going to make you happy now, but once it happened I had to rebuild my relationship back with one out our two sons, and then after awhile contact my ex because the eldest son was getting married.

It will change your life again but this doesn't mean that it's not going to be what you you want. Geoff.

Doolhof · ‎12-10-2014

Dear Luttes,

I am so very sorry to read your news and I am also sorry it has taken a while before I have become aware of your situation. I had trouble connecting with Beyond Blue yesterday using the computer. Thankfully Geoff was able to connect and has acknowledged your situation.

Okay. Right now you are probably not thinking at all clearly and your life feels like it is in turmoil and your heart probably feels like it is going to break!

Geoff is correct in saying you still have rights. I suggest you get in contact with one of the phone help lines and discuss things with people there who will be able to direct you onto the right people to help and assist you through the separation.

Immediate things to consider are your health and well being. Do you have a Dr supporting you who could also help you at this time with the extra strain on your mental health?

Do you have somewhere you can stay for a while if your wife requests you to leave the house?

Talk openly to your sons about what is going on, let them know that they are not the problem here. Tell them how much you love them and want to be with them.

Right now you are probably still in shock and in great despair as it seems to me you were not expecting your wife's decision at all.

Reach out to all the people you can right now, especially those who can give you professional advice and assistance. Talk to people and write when you need to.

Please keep us posted as to how you are managing. Look after yourself in all of this.

I am thinking of you and acknowledge your pain and confusion right now. One step at a time and solutions will come. From Mrs. Dools.

Luttes · ‎16-10-2014

There's nothing of any reason in her fait-accompli. I'm sitting here listening to her on the phone to her daughter (who also hates my guts) and all I can feel is that they're all ganging up on me. He her and her daughter were at loggerheads until recently, now that they both hate me, they're getting on so well.

I'm just in complete and total shock, I don't know what to do. Nothing makes any sense. It feels like she's been planning it for so long. She's so incredibly aggressive toward me.

And then the Buddhist stuff comes in to it. It's not her who's causing my suffering, it's my mind and the way I'm choosing to react to it. but at the same time, I'm 1 million % responsible for the hurt she's felt "for the last 15 years" How does that work? It's as though I've done nothing decent at all over the years, as though I deliberately planned how to upset her. I mean I CAN'T STAND THIS TURMOIL, I WISH THE NIGHTMARE WOULD END.

I can't stop loving her, even through this - it's killing me.

Doolhof · ‎20-10-2014

Hi Luttes,

Sorry for the delay in my reply. I have been staying with my parents for a few days.

I'm not really sure how to comment about your wife's definition of what has been happening over the years. Her reasoning does sound rather baffling to me as well. It also sounds like she has a lot of hurt, anger and frustration with in her.

It is such a shame you were not able to seek help and guidance together before this situation between you both became such a problem. Hind sight is always good, but it is certainly not at all beneficial!

Have you been able to organise some counselling, assistance, help for yourself to try and make sense of this situation?

You obviously love your wife so very deeply. I wish I had the words to share to help you sort all of this out. I can just suggest you get professional help if you can, try to be a little more independent, try not to react to your wife's aggression to wards you, just walk away. Hard to do I know, but it will help you hopefully and it might reduce the sense of power she may feel she has over you.

If you are able to change the dynamics of the household by being more calm and settled yourself, it might overflow to your wife.

Remember all of the wonderful and great things you have managed to do over the years. I don't think you should share these memories with your wife right now, just keep them in your mind. Remember you are a very special and worthwhile person who is capable of loving and caring for others.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools.

Mares73 · ‎20-10-2014

Dear Luttes I'm so sorry to hear that things have progressed in the way they have. It's ironic that your wife is really into learning the principles of Buddhism-compassion, forgiveness & acceptance-yet she seems to forget all this when she's at home. Regardless of separation there is a legal mediation process especially when children are involved. So as hard as it is try remember she won't be able to stop you having access to yourcchildren-you could apply for joint custody & also you need to consider shared assets such as the family home. If you both own it then she can't claim all the assets. When the shock settles I suggest you seek legal advice. Even start with legal aid. I appreciate your very distressed & as others have mentioned you really need to get support from your Gp, Psychiatrist or Psychologist. Can you write a list of all your worries & then another list of possible supports. As much as your wife's words are hurting you, it's most important that you get support so you don't lose all your strength at a time you need it most. Please keep us updated. We all care for you. Lve Mares xx