How can I forget your love?

[Girl_Anachronism]

I lost  a seven year relationship, six months ago. 

How do you move on? How do you keep going everyday, knowing you don't want them, you don't want anyone new, but you can't stand to be lonely?

When does this gaping hole in my chest stop hurting? 

How do you be lonely and accept that loneliness, accept yourself?

GA

[mrsanxiety]

You are strong enough to get through it. TIme will heal your wounds. Keep pushing on. I had a relationship with my daughters father fall apart after three years and it destroyed me. Three years is not seven, i can only imagine how you feel. But i look back now and realise how hard it was but how strong it made me. I know it hurts but you can do it 🙂

[white knight]

My dear GA, how are you?

Well after my long term relationships that have folded (happily married now for 4 years) I have the best remedy.

My first long term defacto lasted 6 years, then married to the mother of my daughters for 11 years, then a defacto relationship for 10 years.

After my first marriage folded I got busy- real busy. Worked 2 shift work jobs so I slept well. Built my own home with my own hands so apart from the actual building I was ordering materials, planning and thinking about it all. Even at 3am if I woke I often got up and worked on the house.

But I also knew that moving on from my last relationship was easier if I did find love again....and better more suitable love that would last forever. You dont have to move in together but its nice to be able to spend time with a girlfriend/boyfriend strolling a market, sharing a coffee, being a fiend or a little more than a friend.

Keep busy, accept dates and realise- you can fall in love again.

Take care

[geoff]

dear GA, when I had to move into the rented house after our house was sold and the divorce had almost been finalised, I was by myself, but then I was by myself in the house because my then wife had already moved out.

It was a dramatic change to my circumstances after being married for 25 years although the last year she wasn't with me so what did I do, well I met some people just by chance who hadn't seen me for a number of years, but they needed help, as no one else was doing this for them, so it only started off only in a small way, but then it seemed to grow as other elderly people also needed assistance.

I didn't go looking to do this it just happened, but it was done by venturing out, but it got to the stage that I was pleased to get home and take my puppie for a walk around the block.

I know that it's hard to believe at the moment but it will get better in either of two ways, 1 you will again meet someone else, or 2 you will eventually decide that being by yourself is something that you choose. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

How am I? Pretty damn terrible. 

I have been trying to keep busy, but everywhere I go I can feel the pain of where he used to be so keenly I can almost feel the gaping wound in my chest where my heart used to be. I try keep busy but i can't out run myself. 

At the same time, this grief, loss and pain feel so all consuming that it feels impossible to do anything but feel it. To quote a book, 'Pain demands to be felt'. 

I am not healthy for anyone else, romantically or purely platonically. I understamd that. But I don't like myself either. I have to be alone but I can't stand myself. 

I am not sure what the purpose of this thread was, I should probably just delete it. I don't know anymore.

GA

[Amali]

Hi GA,

maybe we can help eachother. My 4year relationship ended 4months ago and I'm really struggling. Yesterday I woke up feeling so anxious and helpless. Thoughts of him flood my mind constantly and right now I can't picture my life without him. I live in a small town, and the thought of bumping into him makes me terribly anxious and afraid to leave the house sometimes. 

One thing I do know is that this happened for a reason, and if anything is giving me some hope, it's knowing that getting thtough this will make me stronger and  I'm closer to being on the right path. 

I have written a list of ways that my relationship was toxic and I look back at that list everytime I fantasize about the life we could have had together. 

Please keep talking. I know what you're going through. I've never dealt with pain like this... But I do believe it will get better. It has to! 

Amali

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Amali, 

I feel for you. I can see the pain in your words. 

My only advice is try find at least one other person to keep you safe, and let you cry on tbeir shoulder, even when its the same pain from week to week. Try do things for yourself - whether it is a bath, clothes, books, a class you always wanted to try. Try and write your pain out. 

I know my relationship was toxic, unsupportive and not good for me. I don't want to be with him. But I do want to be happy with myself. I want to stop this pain, this grief, not for him but for the person I was when I was with him. 

I don't know if this makes any sense.

GA

[Amali]

Do you mean you are grieving for the person you were when you were with him? As in you were happy then? Not because of him but you lost yourself a bit when you went through the break up? 

My ex and I were supposed to move in to a house he was building just before we split. The way he treated me meant more to me than a house but I guess I'm grieving the excitement I felt planning a life together and not being able to see that dream come alive. 

I feel like I was so close to having it all, a house, security, maybe marriage, children. and now I don't know how to start again. I can't turn off the love I have for him, if only he didn't hurt me and continue to disappoint me. 

But I know I can't go back, I know I deserve more. And it sounds like you know this too. I have been trying to do things for me, I try and keep my weekends busy. As soon as I stop, that's when the anxiety hits hard and the pain is unbearable. 

I think you can get the old you back. And like you said in your previous post you're not ready for another relationship (like me) but if you can learn to love yourself and be strong on your own, enjoy your own company and your friends and families company.. Then when you least expect it you will attract someone into your life that complements you and the love you feel for them will be like nothing you've experienced before. 

Visualizing a more happier you will help I think. 

A 

[Substituder]

Hi GA & Amali,

Earlier this year, I was in the same situation as what appears to be what both of you are going through (albeit different circumstances).

I broke off a 3yr r'ship (where we had planned marriage, family etc, it was 'it for me' I thought). I knew I needed to end it, but I was not ready and a month after I broke up (moved out) and tried to move on, I went back to him because I couldn't stand the pain or myself!

Every single thought was about him him him ... of course, I could not move on. But you know what? I got back with him and was further down the anxiety path, I would throw up  from the stress and knew I was wasting my time.

I want to focus on something here, which I have noticed in your posts - your focus is currently on him, and the negatives of the r'ship.Is there some way you can find it within yourself, to find a place where you can be silent for a while, and start to find that light within that comforts you. 

And I don't mean soothing fantasies of getting back together - but something more basic - finding what cheers you up, what makes you happy, what helps you take a break from feeling so down. Perhaps a stroll by the water, some music, a funny movie (may I recommend Kids movies, they are delightful when you feel sad).

Try to slowly bring the focus back to yourself. Take it minutes at a time, then stretch it out to hours, and days etc. I found what really helped me was meditation. I recommend listeing to Tara Brach, she is wonderful.

It's now nearly the end of the year, and I'm 2mths into absolutely no contact and fully moving on - my desire to get in touch has completely diminished after I started to focus on myself. I find the time I spend thinking about that r'ship less, but I still think about it a lot! I give myself permission to do this. And I give myself permission to get sad. And then, I pick myself up and say 'hey, it's a new day, let's do something worthwhile today - however big or small, I call the shots.'

Strength comes from within. You have it inside you. Believe it.

Substituder.

[Whatnext]

I grieve the loss of my previous self due to my entire character & the way I interact with people changing as a result of the toxic environment at my workplace.  I was a far better person when I started my employment with them, and now I have become "one of them", and that is not pleasant.

Substituder, your comment

 "... let's do something worthwhile today - however big or small, I call the shots"

has resonated with me in an unbelievable way.  I am currently repeating (ad nauseum) in my head (almost organically) "However big or small, I call the shots" & I feel I the seed of hope planted in the many, many areas of my life that require significant change.