Tired and lacking the will
Its been a while since I posted things have been up but probably more down than anything. But hey I still here! I'm still going through hell with my ex and not being able to spend much time with my kids. But the little bit of time I do get to see them it does brighten me up a little. Last week it just all got too much I hadn't been able to spend anytime with them for nearly two and a half months got knocked back when I wanted to see them over the school holidays just shattered me. So last Thursday I decided enough was enough I was going to take a few days off and make the 7 hour drive to see them all I wanted to do was see there smile and hug them one last time. so Thursday I cleaned out my house sorted everything washed everything with the intention of not coming back and ending it. Until things seemed to have settled down enough I could see them for a couple hours and they then came and had a fish and chips with me for tea. Just seeing them melted me and I couldn't go ahead with what I wanted. It was a close call it just seemed at the time pointless to go on. I'm still not 100% I'm verytired all the time my memory is terrible and just exhausted but I can at least see a glimmer of light again. I will post more later as I'm out of time and must return to work for the day. sorry if this is a bit disjointed have typed it in rather a rush.
beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
So glad you were able to write your story for me to rea.d
Grieving is just so hard when you have no control over the situation which really sucks. Trust me, my story is a little bit different but I am grieving as well for the loss of a relationship of my Brother and the loss of my relationship with my niece, his daughter who I love so much I could explode.
Hang in there mate.
thanks for your reply Bella. Just find it easier to write than talk if I try and talk to anyone about I just break down and cant talk. Each and everyday is a tough day for me at the moment I live alone on a remote cattle property with limited contact with people but usually that's how I like it. I can ring the kids occasionally but most times just cant I know I should but just breaks my heart that I cant spend time with them and I suppose im just scared one day they will reject me and honestly don't know what I would do if that were to happen. Just don't see the purpose of life some days just have to wonder why we do it. I have been able to seek help and guidance from the Salvation Army Flying service but same old story I just cant tell him much because I cant.
Sorry my posts are short and brief but I have very limited time when running a property in drought conditions.
And thanks for everyone who takes time to read these posts.
I remember you when you were on here last time. I remember reading your struggles with life on the farm and your children.
I wish there was something I could do or say to help - but you are still here, you are brave and strong, Just remember you have beautiful children who love you very much and you love them very much. Keep their beautiful faces and smiles in your mind - that is what will keep you going.
Hang in there Pete, we are here for you to just write whatever you want, when you want. I understand how difficult it is to not be able to talk to someone and that writing things down is easier.
I am thinking of you, take care Pete
Sorry you are separated from your children and missing them so much. You must have a internet connection to be posting on BB. Have you tried keeping in touch with them by something like Skype. It might help you have more regular contact.
My son is an adult and only contacts me when he needs something. I really miss the time we had when he was young and actually liked doing things with me.
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yeah its tough being apart and also my ex wants me to have limited contact so wont let me set up Skype for the kids. the little bit I do get to see them its hard on them and me, they just scream and ball there eyes out wanting me to come back. Also I do suffer depression and it has made me into a recluse I don't like contact with people as much as I use to. I use to be on all community groups and organisations holding numerous positions and loving it now I hate going to town on the rare occasion in case I see someone. which also has made me dread ringing my boys just because I cant seem to talk like I use to. They are only 4 and 6 so its not the most in depth conversation but I use to enjoy it greatly and now I avoid the phone incase they or anyone rings.
Sorry I had not read your other posts. When my son was that age I was working full time which was necessary for financial reasons. I used to go to great lengths each pay day to shop for a little car for his toy car collection. It was a joy for both of us. It was more difficult in those days because there were not as many shops around. Maybe you could do something to keep them in touch with what you are doing when you are not with them. Maybe send some photographs of what is happening on the farm, a message, a treat, a little present. So they know you are thinking of them when they are not with you.