Lonely in a city of millions
I'm lying next to my wife right now, in bed. My kids are in the other room. I work in a gym and get to talk to people all day every day. Everyone seems to like me a lot.
The thing is I have no friends. I have no social life. I have no one to confide in. Everyday I go to Gloria Jeans or Starbucks before work and I sit there hoping I'll meet someone to make this feeling go away. Sometimes I do meet someone and talk to them, sometimes I just sit there for hours.
I'm being treated for my anxiety but I can't be honest with them.
I don't need help for that. I'm okay with that. But it is that bad often, tonight is really bad I don't know why.
What I really need right now is someone to talk to but there's no one. My wife is in bed with me right now but we don't talk. Mostly she doesn't talk. Its like we have a wall between us. Whenever I tried to talk to her or ask her she closes off, goes quiet. We've been together since 1995 and I don't really even know her.
Its very hard to describe the feeling, when its in print it seems pathetic. Its been so long though its wearing me down, the loneliness, anxiety, depression I get from both is very painful and I'mtired of it. I'm lonely lonely lonely lonely and I have no way to fix it. I'm trapped in my marriage, trapped in my body and I can't see any way to escape.
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I know what it feels like to really want to have friends. I think everything in modern day life is too short term to allow us to feel connected in any real way. Our marriage relationship may be the primary and most important but we cannot really expect one person to supply all our emotional needs. Also if we are trying too hard it can come off as a bit wretched and scare people off or we can allow others to take advantage of us.
There is a book I have read (and thank you for reminding me) and which I am going to reread which may help. Safe People: How to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that aren't by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend.
I personally think that one of the problems with the world is that we all pretend to be friendly so much that we never really know if someone is genuinely interested in us.
I can sympathise with how you feel. I also don't have any friends, nor can I say that I have ever really had friends. Lots of acquaintances. If I wanted to call someone to come and share a coffee with me - there would be none to call. However, I have now accepted who I am, and reasonably content with it. It does of course make you sad sometimes, but ... I rely heavily on my partner and children to provide me with friendships. As Grateful said, you can't rely entirely on your family. Sometimes it gets too much for them. It is difficult to be a partner of someone with a mental illness - I have only just realised that. Especially if the ill one also suffers social anxiety and has no significant support structure of friends. But I don't have any answers yet.
You mention in your first post that you are treated for anxiety but you
This thread is so so real. So honest and raw. Thankyou for posting it Zygote. I love the honesty on this site, it's like sufferers peel away all their layers of masks and fears to release here.
I'm not advocating separation from your marriage but I can comment on silence from my first wife. She used it as a weapon- up to 6 weeks without a word post even a slight disagreement. In our 11 years of marriage I never touched her in any adverse manner but I have to admit as our final days drew closer and the silence made its effect, the temptation was almost too great. Frankly I'd rather be alone. Now I have a talker, someone that never ignores me and I never ignore her.
I dont know what starts this...well....contempt (???) maybe too strong a word. That distance between couples even though you are inches away. It's very sad.
You might have read on other posts that I'm an advocate for rural living. We live in a town of 150 people, Central Victoria. Everyone bar one person is friendly. We have vegetable bartering systems, get togethers, etc and I feel at home. Of course I keep my distance a little as I've been hurt too many times. When we visit the local town (4000 people) we can park right outside the Dr's surgery every time, same for the supermarket, no meters, no stress. When we visit the larger towns for our monthly large shop (60,000 people) we are in and out as quick as we can be. We rarely visit Melbourne.
Just a thought. Whatever you decide....find happiness and peace. Google "Maharaji sunset" and "Maharaji the perfect instrument". His youtube videos make me happy.
thanks for getting back to us. I just wanted to let you know that even though you may have difficulty communicating some issues on here, please don't give up on talking and sharing your feelings on here. Can be about any day to day matter that concerns you.
you can see that a number of people have already read your post and shared with you. WK 's post for example, floats a number of ideas for you to chew on.
So please keep posting.