My wife of 8 years cheated on me - what do I do? I feel so lost.

[lostsoul369]

Hi all.

My wife of 8 years cheated on me in Feb this year with a co-worker while away on a work trip interstate.
We have been together for 12 years, have 2 kids (one is hers from a previous relationship and one together) ages 13 and 6.

I only found out by chance on reading an email she was going to send to this guy, but didn't and deleted it about another up coming trip in April where she would be in his state for work and that she was hoping to see him again and wondered how they could meet, knowing he couldn't stay as he has a wife. She mentioned that she had flashbacks in the week since they were together about how his hands on her body felt and how the feeling of him inside of her made her smile and that it was unexpected but wanted.

I was shattered and confronted her and she denied it at first, but when she realised I had read the email, she admitted it.

She is sorry and wants to fix our marriage. The big thing is that in December I had suspicions of her having an affair with a different guy that she works with in the same city we live in, and she said she wouldn't ever do that to me as she has been cheated on and knows how it feels.

We have been to a marriage councillor and we are trying to repair it, but I am just so lost and hurt in what she has done.

There has been a lot of other things that just don't add up, including an email thread with the guy I was worried about her having an affair with, after he was at our house for 4 hours while I was away. She said nothing happened at all, but I don't know!

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Lostsoul,

I am so very sorry to read your post of such betrayal.

I too have been betrayed; it was by my first fiance, and I caught him in the act. The thing is that I had suspected for some time that he was far more involved with this woman than he was admitting to, and every time I asked him about it, he lied ...... until I caught them. And even though we got back together, I could never trust him again.

The other thing is that we are still friends today, and he is, to a large degree, a changed man ..... but still can behave in an inappropriate manner at times.

As to what you do next ..... only you can decide. I guess it's a good thing that you are doing counseling together, but once trust is broken, it's a very hard thing to rebuild.

I do wish you all the best as you navigate this very difficult and painful situation. And remember, Beyond Blue is here for you and with you 24/7. Please feel free to reach out here at any time. Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[lostsoul369]

I had suspicions and concerns in December last year when I was away for a weekend with a mate and was showing him our new CCTV system and how I can see it on my phone. I saw a car in our driveway that I didn't recognise and after looking at the footage, found it was a male co-worker of hers. He was there for 4.5 hours.

When I came home I asked my wife about it and she downplayed it saying he came to get his laptop that he left in the office and he was going to be going past our house on the way down south for the weekend (it was a Friday). She bought the laptop home on the Thursday night after work and he was going to pick it up, but he ended up staying for 4 hours as they had conference calls and she didn't expect that. She said she didn't even have food to feed him lunch and she gave him some of my potato chips. The thing is that we had a delivery come about 1 hour after he came and it took her almost 2 mins to answer the door. When she did, she was wearing a different top to the one she was when he arrived. When he left 3 hours later, she was back to wearing the same top that she had on when he first arrived, so there was a change in clothes. She said that it was just long sleeve top she put on as she was cold.

I asked her point blank about an affair and she said no and that she would never do that to me or in our own house and that she knows what it's like to be cheated on (the father of her son cheated on her with her best friend).

She actually called me the next day while at work and said that she was really disappointed that I thought that lowly of her that she would have an affair. She said that it made her sad and that she was on a good thing with me and wouldn't do that.

Fast forward to Feb this year and she had been working more and more and going out after work for drinks. A wednesday night she had a work dinner and she came home at 12:30am in an uber as she drank too much. Friday night she had a work function and said she wouldn't drink as she had a big night already that week and had a personal trainer session the next morning. She said she would be home about 11pm, as it finished at 10pm. 1am I woke up and she wasn't home. I messaged her and she said they had "kicked on". She got home at 3:30am. I was sad that she didn't let me know she was going out, even though she said she wasn't going to, as I have concerns when she goes out - a beautiful woman walking after drinks in the city can end in disaster as we have seen in the news.

[lostsoul369]

She then went away a few days later for a work conference in another city and got drunk, met a guy that works for the same company, who lived in another city, they ended up in her hotel room and had sex.

The came back home and didn't say anything, but was intimate with me the next night and then I found was texting and calling him for the next week. Then she had another inappropriate email chat with the other co-worker that lives in our city that I was concerned about. I saw that confronted her about it and she said it was just flirting and that she wouldn't cheat on me. Later that night I found the email with her thoughts about how she felt about the guy she slept with and then I confronted her and she still denied it until she saw I had taken screenshots. She then admitted it, but had deleted SMS's from both of the guys, so I have no idea what was talked about.

She told the guy she slept with that I knew (not how though, only that she told me) and that they couldn't talk anymore.

I am just so utterly devastated and hurt. She said that she was in a "fog" and didn't take me seriously or respect me and was taking me for granted.

I don't want to divorce, but I am so lost and hurt.

[Soberlicious96]

I guess all you can really do is look at the facts. As I've heard it said "It doesn't take proof to destroy trust, only suspicion." ..... and that fact that you have installed CCTV cameras, tells me that your suspicions are certainly quite strong, if not becoming quite concrete.

I wish I could tell you that you could be wrong ..... but it's probably not for me to say.

It's incredibly difficult to face an ugly truth, but it's possibly more painful and drawn out to be living in a lie. I KNEW in my heart of hearts that my fiance was cheating on me, but until I had caught them, I just didn't want to admit it. It was almost as if I did admit it, I would be saying that it was my fault; that I wasn't 'enough' for him. I thought that his affair was a reflection on me. But it wasn't. It was a reflection on him, and his inability/unwillingness to be honest and loyal at the time.

I'll say it again; it was a reflection on HIM, and not on me. I put full responsibility of the affair on his shoulders. the only part that I take responsibility for, is that I kept doing the same thing and expecting a different result ..... I kept believing the lie, even though I knew deep down what was going on.

Yes betrayal from others hurts, but it also hurts a lot when we betray ourselves ..... when we go against our 'better judgement' and hope or wish or pray that things could be different to what they are.

One thing that I did, when my fiance and I got back together (even though we split up again later on, for good), was that I made a promise to myself; and that was to set some boundaries that I could stick to, that were not dependent on his behavior. And when those boundaries were crossed, I knew it was time to walk away.

And I know it's far easier said than done. So if you are going to set any boundaries or conditions, make sure they are something you can stick to, should things go pear shaped.

You may not be able to do anything about her, but you perhaps can do something for yourself.

I hope that helps a bit. I can't think of what else to do to help. I really feel for you.

[lostsoul369]

I think one of my posts didn't come through.

I had the CCTV a long time before, just changed to a newer model, it's only outside and wasn't for catching her out.

I know she slept with another man and she has admitted it.

Thanks for your posts, they help.

I do need to set boundaries and stick to them. and I do need to work and focus on myself. For far too long I have put her first and myself last.

[Sarah_Baby_Girl]

How heartbreaking! I am so sorry you have to feel the pain you are feeling right now. It’s hard to hear but it will get better! Steps to take now are to forgive or not to forgive. A few things to keep in mind 1: she did not tell you about the cheating. 2: she lied about it after you found out. It is your life you have to work out if you can forgive and move on with your wife or if the pain is just to much and all trust is lost you then need to start a new life. Both are hard and both are doable.

I suggest you start doing things for you things you used to enjoy doing and well doing them do you see you and your wife doing them together happily? Or coming home to her afterwards happy?

[quirkywords]

Lostsoul,

You have had some supportive suggestion from soberlicious, and sarahbabygirl.

agree about boundaries but you must be really strict about keeping them or you become like me and you keep moving the boundaries and making excuses.

You seem a kind person and alas people sometimes will take advantage of others who are kind.

Some people will make excuses for their behaviour and even make you think it is you.

Yes focus on yourself and look after yourself.

Quirky

[lostsoul369]

Thank you everyone.

I am okay, but just so hurt and sad. I still can't believe the person that I cared about gave everything to in my life would do this to me.

Today is 2 months since I found out about her having an affair.

[sheri72]

@lostsoul369 just wondering how you are doing? 😞

It's now been 7 months since I found out my husband of 20 years was cheating on me. He had an off and on affair for 8 months. He did confess when I asked him about some photos on his phone - the same girl kept popping up :(. Anyway we have been to counselling (months of it) and I do believe that we both want to make things work. He said he hadn't seen her for a month when I found out and was happy with himself that he hadn't gone back to her.
I now understand more about him - his avoidant personality - and how he couldn't tell me things or open up to me, and most importantly I understand more about myself since counselling, which I am still having individually. Please see a counselor.
But both of you really need to want things to change, (if you decide to stay together) and being truthful is the most important thing, not matter how difficult it is to hear. I know I couldn't have got this far without counselling. And I still have a long way to go.
I have blamed myself, for not being caring enough, kind enough, sexy enough, attractive enough, slim enough, young enough - you name it - I've questioned myself about it. I have compared myself to the affair partner, in every way imaginable and tried to imitate her, which is hard considering I have never met her and only seen a handful of photos. It's excruciatingly tough. I hope you aren't putting yourself through this, but I imagine we all do this in some form when we have been violated in this way.
I now know that this is NOT my fault. It is NOT your fault either. No matter what I have or have not done, leading up to my partner's infidelity is in not enough of a reason for him to do this. And please understand this about yourself. You are seeking support, which takes courage and grace. This is the first time I have written about my experience, so you are bounds ahead of me.
Please put yourself first. Take care of yourself. Hold your head up. Talk to someone who has been through this if you can. There are a lot of resources on the internet and books to read. I can recommend some if you like. It's not an easy journey but the fog does lift.
Thinking of you 🙂