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My partners adult children - seven years in

Community Member

Until last year my partners adult children were polite, kept me at arms length and let me know my place (or lack of it). I was saddened by this and really wanted to be part of the family. Three years ago two of them had babies, I was over the moon and just adored spending time with the little ones and it seemed they with me. Despite some other obvious snubs, I hoped this was my way to fit into the family. About a year ago I was told that the grandparent name the babies had been calling me was inappropriate and no longer to be used, I am not biologically related. I was devastated. I was very ill at the time and couldn't manage a face to face conversation apart from the initial one. I, very carefully with my partners knowledge tried by email, writing to all four parents to explain why the grandparent name was important to me. In return I received a hurtful email to go with an earlier email refusing to discuss the matter since it had been decided, neither of the two married into the family parents replied. I know that my earlier life makes it hard for me to cope with rejection. I have tried to be rationale and now my anti-depression medication dose is very high.

There is no way I would say anything to stop communication / visits between my partner and his family. He sees them reasonably regularly, which I find hard. Its like I don't exist. I could go along, but don't because I can't cope with the rejection, or disingenuous behaviour. I have some chronic health issues that stress seems to flareup. I miss the little ones. My partner is unhappy with the situation but loves and is very close to his family and won't rock that boat. My partner gets angry when the subject is mentioned and can't stand to have his children criticised.

I'm not sure my relationship is going to survive. I can see we are becoming more distant and don't know how to fix it.

2 Replies 2

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Nonny,

This must be tough for you, I am really sorry to hear what you are going through.

I have a thought, you could drop it. Just for a while drop all your negative thought about this situation, the emotion and anger and frustration does not serve you so you could try to let the whole lot go, have no expectation of anything and don't buy into other peoples stuff. It might take practice but join in on the visit, with no expectation, no emotion, practice calmness, breathe, be your witness self and watch the show, become aware of when and how your energy is being withdrawn, refuse to let it go. I think you can do it, if you keep your love in your heart. Anyway, just an idea.


Community Member

Thank you Jacko,

I tried for years to be neutral and to not have any expectations it worked reasonably well. I tried enjoying the good and not letting the negatives get to me. I worked hard to be a part of something in the family, but could never break in. I loved the babies that arrived and wanted alongside my partner to be a part of their lives which initially worked in part. The 'you are not a part of the family' conversation sent me over the edge. Why after two years of building a great relationship with the little ones who knew me as grandma was this no longer okay?

Life is pretty tough on so many fronts. I constantly fight the overwhelming feeling to give up, my AD's help keep the edge off. I'm sure this all sounds silly.

I wish I could visit, but its now too hard for me. I don't have the resilience it would require or the ability to not let things get to me. I am not a part of the family. It's too hard for me and my partner (who struggles with his own high level of anxiety) and I won't do anything that would cause stress to the little ones.