Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Opposites attract- is that good?
  • replies: 1

In terms of relationships I suppose I've had around......let me see, say 6 that are over 2 years in length. Three over 5 years including my first wife (11 years), a defacto (10 years) and my wife (4 years but we've known each other 28 years) Up until... View more

In terms of relationships I suppose I've had around......let me see, say 6 that are over 2 years in length. Three over 5 years including my first wife (11 years), a defacto (10 years) and my wife (4 years but we've known each other 28 years) Up until my now wife, all partners were introverted by nature. I'm not extroverted but am "loud" according to some and outspoken. I suppose that makes me extroverted. Anyway each of those before my wife were out of synch with me on so many levels. eg Punctuality - they all left me waiting in the car before an outing, sleep- they all slept at different times of the day/night than I and thinking...this isnt easy to describe but its like they were on another planet. We could never really get our thinking to work together. All these past ladies I felt guilt for leaving them...I took on all the blame to myself. For what ever reason. Enter my wife. We did have the benefits of knowing each other for nearly 3 decades. I once match made her to my then brother in law and was best man. So I knew her personality and it was very much in synch with mine. We are at the same pace, when leaving from the house there is only one minute difference...no need to wait long, we very often think of the same thing "lets go chinese tonight" She stares at me...yep- she was about to ask me the same thing. Yet we go there only every 6 weeks or so. I suppose I realise that I used to choose the wrong girl. We should always not blame others for a marriage failure. For I was 50% of that relationship. Those ladies didnt twist my arm up my back to be with them- it was lust.So poor judgement on my behalf.But I only know this now because of my wife and how well we connect. Otherwise I would have gone to the end of my days believing I was a failure. Which leads me to my point. Every potential partner is different. We should never give up on love. We should never judge ourselves as being a failure as a partner especially if branded that by the partner we are separating from. And finally and most importantly. Children. We should never demonise the other parent to our children. This is so true even if you are demonised by the other parent. It isnt a war if you dont play the game of war. A one sided contest will one day come back to haunt the aggressor and your children will likely hold that parent to account. There is honour in doing the right thing even if that isnt apparent in the early days. Choosing a partner look for a synchronised nature with your own. Tony WK

lostindarkness Lost
  • replies: 3

For the longest time i have felt like i have been loosing little pieces of myself. First it was family and friends. They would do things that would make me so mad, i decided to wipe people out of my life, so much so that there is hardly anyone left i... View more

For the longest time i have felt like i have been loosing little pieces of myself. First it was family and friends. They would do things that would make me so mad, i decided to wipe people out of my life, so much so that there is hardly anyone left in it. But that was ok because i like having my own little bubble that doesn't have any toxic people or the dramas they seem to cause. My main priority is my partner and my 4 kids. I don't need anyone else. Except, i need my family to help out at home. All i ask is dishes get rinsed off before they are stacked ready to wash. Put your clothes in the right way before you put them in the washing basket and i am happy to do everything else. Nope. Too hard. And the worst one for it is hubby. I come home from work, feel like i am living in a house from "houseos" except without the drugs, and if i don't clean, it either doesn't get done, or they might as well have left it for me to do anyway. This is not how i want to live, why can't the people i love more than anything in the world help me. I am failing to meet my targets at work, and people are whinging about me. Makes me feel like just throwing it in. But we can't afford for me not to work. That, and staying at home feels suffocating and not fulfilling. Especially when there is no appreciation. I've gotten to the point where i have days off, i get out of bed to drop the kids at school, then i spend the rest of the day in bed, sleeping or watching movies. I can't even tell you the last time i had sex, and even longer than that my desire for it. I would rather escape in the fantasy worlds that i watch, than actually do anything. Happily ever after doesn't occur in real life, it does on tv. I miss my old self, and i feel like crap that my kids are growing up with this horrid person as their mother right now. Sometimes i don't even want things to change, i just want to sleep. All the time. I feel ok when i sleep.......

TeaAndToffee Stepfather Cutting Ties
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I guess I'll start with the basics. So my stepdad moved in with us when I was only 1 year old - he lived with us before I'd even had my first birthday. Things were pretty good, but his marriage with my mother started dissolving before I was even 10. ... View more

I guess I'll start with the basics. So my stepdad moved in with us when I was only 1 year old - he lived with us before I'd even had my first birthday. Things were pretty good, but his marriage with my mother started dissolving before I was even 10. What happened then was a 7 year break up. To be quite frank, it was a relief when they finally split a few days after i had graduated high school. But I kept in contact, of course. This was the man that raised me. Apparently he doesn't feel the same. I'm now 22, and he has just informed me that he wants to cut all ties. So now I'm left wondering why the guy who's my dad in all but blood has just decided to waltz off into the sunset without us. It's not like we had a bad relationship. I've been financially independent since moving out at 17, send birthday/Christmas/Father's Day cards, phone every other week just to chat, and meet up whenever I'm on break from uni. I guess I'm just looking for someone who's been through something like this. How do you get over this sort of thing? I don't even know why he's doing this - and my sister says that he has said the same things to her, two weeks after agreeing to walk her down the aisle. Just.... I'm not sure how to feel. Would really appreciate advice from somebody who may have dealt with something similar

white knight Frog and the scorpion story- consider that message
  • replies: 0

For those unaware of this story. . A scorpion, desperate to get to the other side of a river, asked a frog if he could ride on his back to get there. The frog declined "you'll sting me" said the frog. The scorpion denied he'd do that several times an... View more

For those unaware of this story. . A scorpion, desperate to get to the other side of a river, asked a frog if he could ride on his back to get there. The frog declined "you'll sting me" said the frog. The scorpion denied he'd do that several times and finally the frog relented and swam across the river with the scorpion on his back. Just as the frog got to the other side the scorpion stung the frog and the frog lay dying. "But you promised scorpion, that you wouldnt sting me, so why did you"........."because its my NATURE" said the scorpion. A relationship is the combination of two personalities, individuals with unique qualities and quirks, values and traits, reactions and expressions. Over long periods of time (usually) a couple can predict the others response during conversations. Sometimes the partners responses, actions, expressions are not what you want and you begin to see other people that wouldnt react that way and suddenly the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence.Others wouldnt say that/do that/react like that. I've brought this topic up because I've got two sets of friends that clearly are going through a tough period in their marriages. All four appear to have little respect for their partners. It's sad to see and their reactions during a dinner with all six of us has turned into a disaster on many occasions. Why is it I ask myself- that there is such lack of respect for each other? I believe its that one or both in such a relationship have not accepted or have lost along the way...the nature of their spouse. One clear example of this occured at a recent BBQ. The tension began when our female friend asked her husband to "pass the sauce please" her husband grabbed the sauce and held it in his hand while he kept speaking to my wife. 20 seconds went by and the female rolled her eyes at me. I could see her frustration. Then she exploded. "I asked you to pass the sauce and what do you do? keep talking.This is typical of you....no other man treats his wife with such contempt" I know my male friend very well. His inability to focus on more than one thing is clear to me and is an example of the male's inability to do this -to an extreme. He intended to pass it to her. He got distracted to the point whereby even though the sauce was cradled in his hand- he didnt think to pass it to her to complete her request Poor memory, easily distracted and many other actions is all a part of someones nature.Best to subtly steer it than to try to change it

Disappointment Should I be over this?
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I'm 61, married for 40 years and have four adult children, all of whom I adore. Through our local church I became reacquainted with a woman I first met when I was about 22. We were all friends in a youth group at that time. We met again more recently... View more

I'm 61, married for 40 years and have four adult children, all of whom I adore. Through our local church I became reacquainted with a woman I first met when I was about 22. We were all friends in a youth group at that time. We met again more recently when she appeared at our church with her two young teenage daughters. They were on struggle street and because I had this pre-existing friendship with her I decided that I would do what I could to help their family. My wife had been encouraging them but wasn't actively involved in helping. I started out just helping with lawn mowing and gardening jobs and any other old thing that needed doing. Out of these simple kindnesses we became really good friends and we genuinely appreciated each other's company. There was no physical relationship. We had set ground-rules early on and we understood what was right and wrong. Sometimes if they were going to a movie I would be asked along just as a way of being thanked and it was nice to spend some social time with them. At their combined 50th, 21st and 18th birthday party I was invited along as one of the people who was significant in their lives. It was a very proud moment for me. My wife had never been involved with assisting them and didn't share my excitement and over the years had become more and more negative and antagonistic towards my involvement with them calling them 'my other family' or 'he's off to see his girlfriends again'. This was very hurtful but I pressed on as it seemed to me to be the right thing to do. Finally my wife put her foot down on day and told me to either choose them or choose us. I felt totally crushed inside. Because I deeply respect my wife and family and the importance of our marriage I contacted my friends and told them that I couldn't see them or be in contact with them any more. I tried to explain why but it was terrible. They were badly hurt and I felt like a total traitor to these lovely people who meant so much to me. After some years apart now they are still on my mind every day. I am struggling to reconcile what I did to them with what I thought my faith taught me about loving and caring for others in need. I betrayed their trust and friendship and have had feelings of regret and remorse ever since. I have since been told by the woman that they have forgiven me but it hasn't really helped much. I still feel awful! What is wrong with me? Am I obsessing over them? Why can't I just let it go and get on with living normally?

Tea_girl Daughter in law problem
  • replies: 8

16 June 2015 Hi, I am on here for the very first time. I suffer anxiety and depression. It is more sadness that I feel at the moment due to a problem with a daughter in law who has managed to finally after 17 years alienate my son. No reasons given, ... View more

16 June 2015 Hi, I am on here for the very first time. I suffer anxiety and depression. It is more sadness that I feel at the moment due to a problem with a daughter in law who has managed to finally after 17 years alienate my son. No reasons given, just wiped from their lives ( two grandchildren as well).... The heartbreak has been unbearable. This person has been putting me down manipulating my son for years and he has now caved in for the sale of peace. Been three months of anguish, self doubt, going over conversations all to no avail. Perhaps someone out there can give me advice or has encountered something like this. I will be contacted " when they feel like it" . Gutted is the word. As a mother the pain is unbearable. Some days I am okay, other days I crumble and struggle to get out of bed. Mothers Day and my birthday went by with no contact. My son is a good man. I will never give up on him but part of me is angry with him for turning his back . Mark this post as helpful

Amali Finally Letting Go
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I am struggling with letting go of a relationship. I mean I have told him it's over, I've been very strict in following through with the no contact- blocked him from social media, have not initiated contact and refused to respond to any contact by hi... View more

I am struggling with letting go of a relationship. I mean I have told him it's over, I've been very strict in following through with the no contact- blocked him from social media, have not initiated contact and refused to respond to any contact by him. It's almost a year since the split, but it wasn't our first break up. It was a very emotionally exhausting relationship that caused a lot of pain. But I still feel so connected to him, miss him and I am worried about how he is going. Even though I was miserable in the relationship I feel even more pain now that he is gone. We were building a house together (which I never got to see) we were going to get married, I still can't let go of those dreams, as it takes a long time to get to that place with a partner and I feel I tried so hard to make it work and be understanding and he just kept letting me down. I held on for way too long, hoping he would change and kept going back just to get hurt over and over again. I was hoping to feel better about this by now, but I feel as if we broke up yesterday, everything seems like such an effort and it's hard to look forward to anything when I still feel so lost without him.

jamesssss Childhood woundings linger
  • replies: 12

I am a 31 year old male and am depressed, feel alone and dependent on others. I was raised by a mildly abusive father. I have an older brother and younger sister who have also suffered depression from a fear of our father. My father is an emotionally... View more

I am a 31 year old male and am depressed, feel alone and dependent on others. I was raised by a mildly abusive father. I have an older brother and younger sister who have also suffered depression from a fear of our father. My father is an emotionally distant person who suffers depression himslef. He has always had a leave me alone and mind your own business attitude. He gave up on work, became an alchoholic and would dictate to us how life should be properly lived. He never set an example. In fact he never left the house. My mum was pretty much a people pleaser who agreed with everyone especially my father. Growing up, my brother and sister were highly praised for their responsibile natures. My dad was extremely strict on them. He swore and threw things at them and only gave them praise when they listened to his ways lessons on living. Me on the other hand he insulted, told me that im worthless and untrusted. Yep, there was no way in hell I was going to be as good as by brother and sister. The only way I got love from him was by stroking his ego. I am sitting here at my parents house as ive recently split up with my wife I was with for 15 years. Her personality was just like my fathers in the sense that she was always right and everyone had to listen to her or she would loose it. Breaking up with her has made me realise that I am quite the dependent person. What bothers me most is that I always agree with people to avoid dispute with them and the possibilty of them leaving me. Ive studied being assertive and am learning how to set boudaries for myself. But I feel I am naturally attracted to the same self centered people. I have no friends at the moment as I invested the past 15 years of my life in my wifes friends and interests. Ive had several psychology sessions, been on antidepressents. I feel really alone and worthless and don't want to lean on anyone close to me as I don't think it will help my situation.

nettle depressed and confused
  • replies: 4

Hi again I posted a few weeks ago here https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/grief-loss-and-separation/what-is-more-important-for-children-when-a-marriage-ends Just needed to talk to someone again. I am feeling so lost. I ha... View more

Hi again I posted a few weeks ago here https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/grief-loss-and-separation/what-is-more-important-for-children-when-a-marriage-ends Just needed to talk to someone again. I am feeling so lost. I have decided to move interstate to be close to my support as my marriage has ended. My husband has shown abusive behaviours, mostly toward the children. Leaving was a hard decision to make and I'm still feeling unsure about it because I have to uproot my children. Tonight when I tucked my daughter in she was very upset about leaving her friends and her life behind. I feel like this is not fair on her. but staying here doesn't feel like an option for me (no support). I am feeling so lost and so down, I know I have to look after myself so I can be a better single parent. But it's so hard. I feel like my heart is broken all over again hurting my children like this. And everything is getting so real, putting plans in motion, announcing things to extended family... I realise now I am still very attached to my husband and I don't really know how to stop loving him, even though I feel our children and I deserve better treatment. I don't know how I will deal with the finality of our seperation when I have moved away. Everything is such a mess, I never wanted this for my children. I feel like I want to be a good mother to them but either way I turn I hurt them and myself. There's no good choices. I feel like I have a tonne of concrete in my chest and every waking moment is agony. Dramatic I know, but it does physically hurt.