My partner has been using prostitutes

Eagle2022 · ‎04-03-2023

I’m 54 and have been with my current partner 15 years. I’ve just discovered that he has been seeing prostitutes. I discovered it because I had to go to the doctor with a problem and it turns out I have an STD. When I asked him who he’d been with he confessed.
Before that I was married for 12 years -I divorced after discovering that my husband had cheated many times for many years. So I’m an old hand at the immense pain of betrayal and breach of trust.
With this situation, the part that is really blowing me away is that he didn’t protect himself or me. And that he went to his dr the other day with a problem of the same nature and didn’t advise me.
Our sex life isn’t good as since my menopause I’ve lost all interest and find it painful. So I know that he’s not sexually satisfied and I have always felt bad about that.
But how could he be so careless with my health?
I feel humiliated and I can’t bear being around him.
I’m terrified of breaking up though as I suffer from depression and he is a significant support for me. Other than this horrendous situation he has always been kind and thoughtful and will do anything for me.
I truly don’t know how to resolve what to do. Stay or go. I feel like if I stay I’ll never be able to let him touch me again because I feel so dirty and disgusted.

geoff · ‎04-03-2023

Hello Eagle, this must be such a shock for you because a lack of trust has been broken because sleeping with an affected prostitute/s actually means nothing, it's just a waste of money, and the person is insignificant with the possibilityof affecting a client which unfortunately has happened.

If you separate then he can still help you with your depression and he won't be able to touch you, especially when this is not something you want.

Broken trust is not what anybody ever wants, and I can't tell you what to do, but if I had ever done this to my wife, it would be goodbye, no questions answered.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Juliet_84 · ‎04-03-2023

Oh Eagle2022,

Words cannot express how sorry I am that you have been put in this situation through no fault of your own. To develop a medical condition is one thing but to have a disease transmitted to you through your partners careless disregard for his own health and yours, and betrayal is quite another. For many people that would be an unforgivable offense. But life is not aalways so black and white and you have other considerations, such as depression and his support during those times, which clouds your decision. I completely understand that thinking as I stayed in a domestic violence relationship for many years because he “accepted my medical condition”. The reality is that any decent human being would do this, but we have a tendency to develop tunnel vision and think that our partner is the only person who would do that for us, particularly if our self-worth makes us doubt whether there are any other partners out there for us (which there invariably are). In my experience, the best outcomes come from the decisions that are made based on fact rather than fear. Your husband has shown him to be capable of great deceit and careless disregard for you, in many respects. Only you know whether he is an inherently trustworthy person and this was a monumental slip. I will say that there is no need to put any pressure on yourself now, you don’t need to make a decision at this time, take some time, see how you feel.

white knight · ‎04-03-2023

Hi welcome

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I would treat it as Geoff described.

Weighing up your future you might need to simplify it to come to a decision. Eg

Question yourself as to the challenges to become single
Remain married and accept the current situation
Remain together and seek couples therapy with a long term quest of forgiveness and and improved sex life that comes with compromises.

The only thing by which I could lean towards the last option is that marriage is more than sex, emotional support and companionship is valuable to some and the older we get the greater we value that. Some people can overcome the breach of trust to live out their days together. Others cannot. It's not a case of obligation but a matter of choice entirely.

I wish you well.

TonyWK

Vale22 · ‎01-09-2023

I just found out that my partner of 11 years has been using prostitutes. He got drunk and blurted it out. It's been going on for the past year (so he says) but more frequently over the last few months. I'm not sure what to do next. Still in shock. My situation is similar, as I have a history of anxiety and depression and he financially supports me. How did you move forward?

Eagle2022 · ‎02-09-2023

Hi Vale22

im so sorry this happened to you. It’s such a shock.

i wish I had something useful to tell you. I haven’t really resolved what to do. I’m still with him but I don’t feel good about it. And I don’t feel good about separating either. He’s apologised many times and says he wants to rebuild trust. But I don’t know how I can ever trust him. I also have zero interest in sex with him and I’m not sure if this will change. I honestly feel stuck so I’m just doing nothing about it currently. If this happened to my daughter I would tell her to run and get away fast. But somehow I’m feeling unable to follow this advice myself. I’m hoping that time will help me resolve but I think I’m probably just avoiding.
I can say what helps me most is spending time doing things I enjoy like bushwalking, and spending time with my girlfriends and sisters. And trying to think less about him constantly.
you have the extra issue of finances. I’m financially independent at least, I don’t need him for that. If you think you want to leave then can you start exploring options?
Please take care of you

quirkywords · ‎02-09-2023

Vale and eagle glad you can support each other.
it is a difficult situation and isn’t black and white.

mmMekitty · ‎02-09-2023

Hello Eagle2022, Vale22 & everyone

I've just been reading this discussion & a question immediately sprang to my mind.

What price your own dignity & self-respect?

I also agree that, for a healthy partner/marriage relationship, there needs to be many components to the relationship. As people age their needs change & these need to be addressed & discussed, so that maybe things like cheating & going to sex workers won't seem like an option for either person.

Depression (& anxiety) can affect how well we make decisions which are in our own best interests, therefore I would suggest that at least yu seek some sort of therapy , to help you sort through what is in your best interest. Sure, I'd consider his views if he was to make some supreme effort to sort out his own part in your relationship - what does it mean to him? What does it mean to him that he would make the choices he has, too? Does he fully understand how you have been effected by what he did? If he can do that, maybe, I'd think about havig a relationship - a changed relationship, with him.

I haven't investigated about how sexuality changes after menopause. If you want to, you could approach your GP & maybe get a referral to someone who could advise you about what you could do, if you do want to feel such desires & take pleasure in sexual activity, again.

Hugzies to you, Eagle2022 & Vale22

mmMekitty