I miss people I used to be best friends with but no longer talk to

[PurpleOcean]

I've had quite a complex history of friendships/best friendships. I like to get really close to people and have deep friendships with them once I get to know them. So, usually, my friendships are either just acquaintances or very close friends who I can share my deepest secrets with. The problem is, I can often be blind to people's faults, or idolise them/expect too much of them when I get close to them. I put them on a pedestal, basically. This is not a very healthy basis for a friendship and inevitably causes disappointments and hurt down the line. I've lost a few very close friends because of this. Each time this happened, I was hurt deeply. Sometimes, I would question myself, thinking there must be something very wrong with me because I kept losing people I loved. Other times, I would be very angry and resentful at those former friends. I would feel cheated and betrayed because I had expected better of them. Over time, I have tried to reconcile these feelings and accept them, trying to move on with my life. But days would come when memories would flash in my head and I would miss my former best friends terribly while knowing fully well the hurt they have inflicted on me. This is always exhausting for me because of my conflicting feelings - both missing someone and being angry and hurt at the same time. I don't really do anything about these feelings, though. These people are not in my life anymore. We don't talk, I don't keep tabs on them on social media and don't intend to ever have them back in my life. I just want to put my feelings on this out there and hope someone else out there has experienced something similar. 

[Sunny69]

I hear you. I've had the same issues. I've shared my struggles & opened myself up to people who I considered friends and they have continually let me down. I've been there for them in their times of need whether it be anxiety or depression and then as soon as I need some support they aren't around. My expectations are probably a bit high but just once I'd like a friend to be there to listen, even if they can't do anything to help, just having someone to listen  to how you feel always helps. Reach out if you want to chat, take care & know that others do care. 

[Richju]

Dear PurpleOcean,

I hear you and understand how much it hurts when people leave your life. This happened to me for years. I used to shut myself away from others and pretend I didn't want any friends but the problem was that I was very needy and expected too much of my friends. I had a difficult childhood and was always looking for someone to tell me I was ok.

It is normal to feel that we are the ones at fault, when a relationship ends but it takes two to tango, as they say. 

Have you tried meditation? I found that as I meditated, I discovered more about myself and why I was expecting so much from others. I learned that some people become nervous when others try to get too close. I also learnt how to love myself. How much time do you give to yourself PurpleOcean? Are you eating well and having regular exercise? How do you relax? What are your hobbies? 

I found that the more I developed as a person, i joined groups and met people with similar interests and tried not to get too close too quickly, instead talking to a counsellor about my more personal issues.

By taking things more slowly, I had time to concentrate on others and to gage if and when new friends wanted greater intimacy.

I feel you have made a good start by posting on this forum and hope you'll continue. I'm sure that, in time, you'll be able to form the loving friendships that you so richly deserve.

With warmest wishes 

Richju xx