I don’t want to give up

[fatima94]

since the age of 21 I kept getting away from my parents and feeling of guilt made me come back each time I did it 3 times living separately peacefully but I knew they are struggling , now that I’m back again I’ve been working two jobs one from 7 to 5 another from 6 to 10 , making a fair bit of money but everything every cent is going towards supporting my family, they also fight a lot not only with each other also with strangers and get in trouble a lot most days I don’t even want to come home for that one hour that I have between my works , all I hear is fight , arguments threatening , I don’t want have time to shower and I have had people at work confront me for that but my family enjoy everyday showers ranging from 45 minutes to an hour and I am the one who has to pay the bill , I’m tired of living pay check to pay check tired of being anxious and on alert the entire time I can’t leave either, my brother doesn’t want to work my dad doesn’t want to work and my mom can’t work either, I look and act so messed up that everyone thinks I’m physically sick but I’m reality I’m so tired of knowing that I’m being abused but I can’t leave because of guilt 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Guilt is a serious problem as I've had it all my life. More on that in a link below.

Your financial generosity is beyond normal. While that is a good thing that you help your family, how realistic is it if you wanted to do what everyone else does- travel, save for land or a home, help a new partner and so on. 

You said "my brother doesn’t want to work my dad doesn’t want to work and my mom can’t work either,"  So all are under 65yo so they have the capacity to work but choose not to. After all they have you to supply them all they need. Nice life. It's called "flogging a willing horse" and it isnt sustainable, one day the straw will break the camels back and it seems that straw is getting very close.

I also assume they are not entitled to Centrelink?? If they are and thy rather not apply then the situation is even worse. 

So, what I would do based on the information provided is give them 4 weeks to plan their new financial position. It is more important how you do this than doing it because they are argumentative. So I would tell them that your plans have changed, "I've decided its time for me to move out and find a life independent from everyone".

There is no need to "prove" what you are doing. You are an adult, if you intended to buy a motorbike and tour Australia then thats your right. Time to offload the guilt.

These decisions to indirectly force your family to be responsible is a position they have put you in. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

Reply anytime.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi fatima94

I think Tony's response is wonderful and supportive. He has so many good points that I'm sure you already know but are struggling with because of the guilt factor. You're a good person, who's working hard and doing their best to be loving, respectful, considerate and supportive. Sounds like it's time to do what no one else in your family's prepared to do...love you, respect you, consider you and support you. It's up to you to do that.

It was actually Tony who woke me up some time ago to a factor I hadn't considered and it was a factor that had led me to feel so incredibly down. I had no idea how depressing waiting could become until I felt it at depressing levels. Whether it's waiting for other people to make life a bit easier for us by getting their act together, waiting for a break amidst the chaos in our life, waiting for a sense of happiness or relief to come our way or whether we're waiting for something else (in the form of change), waiting can become depressing when there's no action being taken that's going to create change. Perhaps your mantra could become 'Why wait?'. Why wait to start saving? Open a new account, call it something inspiring like 'Gifts for my future self' or something else and start depositing monetary gifts in it for the person you're on your way to becoming. Why wait for the water bill to come in, dreading the lead up to how much the entire thing's going to cost you? Announce to everyone in the household 'Here's my contribution toward the next one' as you put some cash down beside the last bill, while leading your family to start thinking about how they're going to contribute to a bill of that magnitude. Why wait 'til you hit a wall of pure exhaustion that you just can't cope with? If possible, cut back on a few hours in one or both of your jobs. I know, all easier said than done. I really feel for you so much as you stand facing a fork in the road. Which way to go? I've found, if there's one thing a sense of guilt will always do...it will lead me to become more conscious and sometimes it will push me to let go of false beliefs. Sometimes I've found myself being grateful to guilt and how it serves me in a round about way. 'Being self serving is a bad thing' can be a completely false belief definitely worth letting go of, for in the act of self service there is self love, self respect, self compassion and so much more of the good stuff that we need. ❤️